Overall Recommendation:
3.0 stars
(1)
5 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
4 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
3 Stars:
100.0%
(1)
 
2 Stars:
0%
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1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
5.0 stars
(1)
 
Story structure:
4.0 stars
(1)
 
Character:
3.0 stars
(1)
 
Dialogue:
3.0 stars
(1)
 
Emotion:
3.0 stars
(1)
 
 
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1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Your title doesn't flow easily. Hard to imagine on a marquee.

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
Just a few thoughts. Your premise is excellent . The best element of your storyline is bouncing around New York sites everyone knows well and will effortlessly connect with. And your opening scene is spot on. The perfect foil for everything that follows.

On the other hand, I think you are less successful in making Jake, your central character likeable or appealing. Why would someone want to be with him? He's clearly obsessed and driven. But why would a woman want to be involved with him? And then there are so many sexualized and objectivizing of the women by the three buddies and just about everyone else in your script. "hot piece of tasty delight" "bone this chick". I expect you'd be alienating a good many of the women in the audience. My best advice is to give your audience more reason to sympathize and simply to like him. More hopelessly romantic. Less sexually aggressive and driven.

I think you set up your action descriptions well but I'd try to make them more realistic, more believable while emphasizing their absurdity and comedy. Hard to exactly explain how but for instance, this morning I was in a Quaker meeting and a very angry and obscene conversation took place just outside. It was uncomfortable and at the same time incongruously funny.

I hope some of this criticism helps and continued good success to you. You have created something wonderful with huge potential.
 

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