Overall Recommendation:
4.0 stars
(2)
5 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
4 Stars:
100.0%
(2)
 
3 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
Story structure:
3.0 stars
(2)
 
Character:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
Dialogue:
3.0 stars
(2)
 
Emotion:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
 
1-2 of 2 reviews
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2 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Really Good (First 25 pages)

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
January 09, 2011
Really good story idea, and I like the script. Though I only read 25 pages (still more than the 15 I was asked) I can see that it's a story that has alot of big screen potential. It's the type of war movie that I enjoy, it's about the war but a small story that happened in the war rather than "D-Day!".

A few suggestions:

In those first 25 pages I didn't really get a sense of the desire of the main character to survive his wounds, and make it back to his wife. Seemed to lack a little emotion in that regard.

"
SETH
No God. Not like this. Not here in this hell. Not alone. Oh Goose...
"

I'd drop the "Oh" sounds off.


INT. VANDERGOST HOME - BEFORE THE WAR - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

In this scene I would make Goose cry in this scene

When he walks in the house and is asked for the first names of his officers it would be cool if you run the flashback and he voice-overs their names during it as they drop from their horses.

All in all good script, and when I get more time I may revisit and finish it. Good job!
 
1 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Amazing story but needs a lot of work

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
January 08, 2011
I would have give a five star just for the story that I really loved but still it needs a lot of work on the way it's told. I took a few notes while I was reading and here they are, hope it's gonna help you because this script really diserve to eventually be made into a movie.

- The script title isn’t the same on the site then on the script itself (No longer soldiers or warriors) Personaly I prefere the first one.

- Always double space the end of the scene and the slugline.

- Page 3 you can’t say : with a shout, "Charge!" in the action line. This is a dialogue and should be written as such.

Cromwell raises his sword in the air, waves it twice, then brings it down and forward :

CROMWELL
(Shouting)
Charge!


- Try to avoid the verb that finishes with (ing) in the action line to make it more dynamic, instead of Fighting at close range rages. It could be : They fight at close range rages.

- Page 5, 9, 11, 15 and a lot of other pages too, there’s 4 lines on the page and then you skip to the next one.

- Page 7 there’s a formatting mistake : The written words aren’t under the name, there’s no space between this and the slug line that is only half in capital.

WRITTEN WORDS

Day Two. 3rd of July, 1863
EXT. THE SAME RIDGE - July 3, 1863 - Day (back to Present)

At a few place I noticed a missing space through the dialogue and the action, I guess it's because of the RTF format, I heard it mess up the formatting a lot.

- In some sentence there was twice the word (and) which I’ve always been told should never be use more then once in the same sentence.

- Suddenly, the field looks fresh, with no dead bodies, and Seth imagines

You can’t say Seth imagine because you can’t see it. And this paragraph is a bit confusing, is it a flashback? If it is you should write it in capital in a new action line and when the flashback is over you write BACK TO SCENE in a new action line.

- P.23 The name Horace and Zinger can be replaced by a pronoun to avoid the repetition.

Sargent HORACE Jenkins, the oldest and highest ranking in the group, is sleeping. Horace has a bayonet wound to the leg.

ZINGER, Lionel Zook, a large, mean looking, Union Soldier in his mid twenties, has a badly injured back.

Zinger is seated uncomfortably in the rocking chair, pointing a Colt revolver at Seth.

- P.28 to 38 this dialogue is way too long, even with some flashback in it quickly gets boring. Maybe you can find a way to cut off what’s unnecessary. Because 10 pages of dialogues means 10 minutes looking at people talking in a movie, even with two 1 minute flashback in it, it’s still really long. This is just a suggestion but maybe the movie can happen differently. Like in a part you see what happen to each of them (not in flashback) and then what happen to Seth the same way this part is told, only when he gets to the stone house you don’t have to see the story of each of them in the dialogue as we already know it. This way a short dialogue can show us that they’re talking about it, then you cut through the scene.

- Overall it’s a really good story but it’s obvious that it first was a book. There’s too much dialogue and not enough of action for that kind of movie. For example this dialogue:

ZINGER
Those damn johnnies are cutting down the cavalry as though they was in some kind of shooting gallery, ain't they?

DAVEY
How do you know that?

ZINGER
Because that's what I used to do. That ground is awful for cavalry. I would wait for the rider to hesitate at a boulder and I would zing him right through his stupid head.

Instead of telling us what he would have done, it would be more interesting to see it. Like in a combat scene you actually see him doing that and when it gets to this dialogue you just let us find out of our own. A few things like this would take off a lot of dialogue, add more action and makes it a really good movie. So there’s a lot of work to do yet but you’ve got a great idea and it would definitely makes a good movie.

- And in the end, the written word should be a narration instead. As it’s movie, the writing should be kept to a very minimum, this way people can focus on what’s going on the screen instead of reading.

So here’s my review, I hope it was helpful.
 

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