Overall Recommendation:
4.0 stars
(4)
5 Stars:
75.0%
(3)
 
4 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
3 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
25.0%
(1)
 
Premise:
4.0 stars
(4)
 
Story structure:
4.0 stars
(4)
 
Character:
4.0 stars
(4)
 
Dialogue:
4.0 stars
(4)
 
Emotion:
4.0 stars
(4)
 
 
1-4 of 4 reviews
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0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

lots of bones no meat

Overall Recommendation:
1 stars
 
Premise:
1 stars
 
Story structure:
1 stars
 
Character:
1 stars
 
Dialogue:
1 stars
 
Emotion:
1 stars
 
September 08, 2013
When a reporter witnesses a child's kidnapping, his heroic attempts to recover the girl draws him into a world of deceit where nothing is as it seems and soon finds himself fighting for his own life.

If the author's aim is to reproduce a Die-Hard type of iconic film, he was nearer to success in the 3rd draft. Sadly, he recants and regresses back to earlier aimless drafts. And leaves the reader much disappointed in draft 4 which seems more like the first draft.

This first draft needed a lot of rework, found merit in the second rewrite (draft 3) and fell apart again in draft 4???!!!! I am confused why you downscaled the 4th draft when the 3rd draft was so compelling.

What is wrong with all drafts except for draft 3:

- no clear plot
- transparent , hand-spooned dialogue
- no emotional connection with the characters
- lots of action without impact or meaning
- no coherent parts
- trying too hard and confusing the reader.

The 3rd draft corrected all of those problems and showcased:

- strong start
- adrenaline-pumping action
- clear protagonist
- clear antagonists
- better plot and subplots
- stronger dialogue
- engages the reader / audience in the adventure.

The 3rd draft did need a little bit of work but remains, in my opinion, your best work thus far.

Good luck
 
1 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Action blockbuster waiting to happen!

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
January 06, 2011
 
1 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

The next "Die Hard?"

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
January 04, 2011
This could be the next "Die Hard." I shot through this script after I read his so-far only other script, "Collegiate Behavior," which was extremely impressive. This may even be better. "Thanksgiving Day Parade" is a great idea with which everyone can connect. But we might not all make this decision, and that gives this script a whole new element of fantasy. The action is outrageous, over the top and exciting. The script is surprising--the story structure never lets up. Great dialogue, especially from Sgt. Black (the other review said it was Nordberg, but Nordberg's the other cop). Sam Drabing is a great creation, an everyman to give John McClane a run for his money. This deserves a run at moviegoers' money. This might not even need another draft. Check it out!
 
2 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Parade of action-script awesomeness

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
January 04, 2011
This is a heck of a first draft. The premise is exciting--I mean, what would any of us do if we saw this happen? It takes off immediately, and it does not let up. If the script's exciting, the film would be a blast. It reminds me of "Unstoppable," but this is way better than "Unstoppable," which was a good story but a cruddy script. The characters are great. We quickly know exactly who Sam Drabing is, and Nordberg is a hoot (what's up with his excitement about the English language?). No, it's not just because we share the same last name: I can honestly say this is a ragtag, full-blown smash of a script, and it'd be a hell of a movie. I can't wait for another draft.
 

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