Overall Recommendation:
4.6 stars
(5)
5 Stars:
80.0%
(4)
 
4 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
3 Stars:
20.0%
(1)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
4.8 stars
(5)
 
Story structure:
4.4 stars
(5)
 
Character:
4.6 stars
(5)
 
Dialogue:
4.4 stars
(5)
 
Emotion:
4.8 stars
(5)
 
 
1-5 of 5 reviews
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1 out of 4 people found the following review helpful:

I liked the premise...

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
May 12, 2011
YouTube Famous is about a down on his luck guy name Ned. He has a dream to become famous and they best way he feels he can do this is by creating whimsical and interesting YouTube Videos with the help of his best friend and girlfriend. The concept sounds interesting, and I had high hopes for this being funny and creative, but I am afraid that it doesn’t meet my expectations. The story fell flat in my opinion and I frankly at times I was bored.

To start I have some specific errors that I think need correcting. Not much but a couple.

Page 2 Bottom. You say “Sonesta is the nicest person on Earth” Although this may be true, it is an unfilmable statement. Anything in the descriptions needs to be able to be seen and this is not able to be seen. I guess it could be portrayed by her actions, but constantly teasing Ned by calling him “Neti Pot” Doesn’t fit this description. I would just remove it.

Page 10,19,28,56. You have the number 10 in the dialogue. All numbers should be spelled. This is so you can tell the actor how to say what he sees. If you have 410 in the dialogue the actor won’t know how to say it. Is it” Four, One, Zero…” Or “Four Hundred and Ten”.

Page 14 if you have a character dialogue is broken up with actions, you need to append (Cont’d) after the character’s name each time. This seems to be intermittent throughout the screenplay. Try to be consistent.

Page 34 “Ze” should be “Ned”?

Page 37 “Jace” should be “Ned” halfway down?

Page 39 should be NED (O.S. through phone). It will give you back some page real estate and look neater.

Page 44 “Ned rises and walks to the window.” Should be action line but formatted as dialogue.

Page 49 “Ned *begins* to smile” Begins was spelled wrong., but really just say “Ned Smiles”.

Page 49,56,57,58 This may be subjective, but you are now putting “We” into you actions. Take US out of the action. “We” aren’t doing anything. Also this is considered a camera angle and should not be used in spec scripts. You could say “Ned is watches the video on his laptop” Let the Director of Photography determine how to show it.

Page 52 You have a character named “Customer” you have the same character name on page 41 as well. Is this the same Character? If not you should make it a unique name even if its just “Customer #2”.

Page 65 *cheers

Page 67 FADE IN not FADE UP

Page 78 my = me?

Ok that’s all the typos I found (there may be more)

Now lets talk overall formatting. Generally you have a very good understanding of screenplay formatting. For the most part its was formatted very well. One major thing that I noticed, is your use of Parantheticals. You are using them incorrectly.

I am going to copy a post that someone told me about parentheticals and it has helped me greatly.
In the first instance, parentheticals or parentheses should never, ever be used for actions. So:

(laughing)
(thinking)
(reading)
(twitching)
(into phone)

All these are actions that should either be cut entirely or written in the action section of the script.

You should also cut out any directions to how and actor should act. If Tom Cruise or George Clooney or, heck, Dwayne Johnson, picks up this script, the first thing he does is cross out (beat), (pause), (softly), (quietly) and so on. He’s thinking “Why is this writer telling me how to act?”

Likewise, where someone is (angry) or (nervous) or (calming) you should be using angry words or phrasing, or nervous dialogue, or calming words. your writing should be good enough to NOT NEED them.

After this nugget of advice, I went back and opened my completed scripts, and I got rid of every parenthetical, then went back through every bit of dialogue, and asked myself if it needed something adding. If I was tempted to add (angry) etc, I changed the dialogue. It improved my script 100% because I was forced to think harder about how my characters spoke.
This bit of information helped me a lot in my writing. I suggest you try it yourself.

Ok, now for my subjective review of your screenplay. I am not an expert on this, but I do think I have a good understand of what makes a good read and I am doing this because I want to help. I am not doing this to be mean or anything of the like. I truly want you to be able to put out the best and to succeed.

So please don’t take this at all personally.

First the title. Using licensed names and products in your screenplay although I don’t think is illegal, but I am not sure if Amazon would take the time to obtain the permission to use the name YouTube in a title of its movie. I know that the title is the whole point of the script, but I would think about changing the title to something more general. Maybe “Internet Famous” or “Online Famous” how about “Viral Ned”. Also you mention things like Zip Car and Tumblr. Being a fellow geek,I know these things, but your general reader may not. I would just say Rental car and Blog.

As I said in my opening I feel you have an interesting premise, but you do not execute it well at all. I found it drawn out and frankly very boring. You have some good moments and I think you set things by establishing your characters well and I can distinguish between them easily. You have also established the motivation of the main character. He wants to become famous through you tube and he has to do it by the time he moves out. Good.

But how he goes about it… not good. Your characters spent more time talking about doing things rather than actually doing them. I say get on with it?

Pages 11-13 what was the point? It didn’t have anything to do with the story. I think if you insist on having this scen you should have your characters talk about videos and being famous. So we can then understand why Ned is so obsessed with wanting this. OR have Ned talk about why he is afraid to go outside. I mean saying he hates people isn’t enough. You have me interested in him, but you leave me hanging. It may have been explained,later on but by then I may have been long gone on interest.

Incidentally, Sonesta calling Ned “Neti Pot” I get it and I like it, but wouldn’t it be more fitting for her to use a combination of the two. Like “Neddy Pot”. And for the name of his show at the end too. Would be a better play on words. Your call.

back to business… So you have your characters discussing and I think you need to have them doing more. You have these large blocks of dialogue and they are just way too big for a comedy screenplay (I will bet Kevin Smith is a big influence on you).

For Neds explanation of the” top five cultural candy corn”. I mean my eyes rolled back into my head. Make it interesting. How about having the explanation Voice over the actual action of them making the videos. It could be done in 5 pages though montage sequence. Then the last one being the successful one. You have Ned calling Sonesta to ask her to be in his video? What is the point? I mean this could have just been understood and she could easily just say “remember you promised to leave the apartment if I do this”. And he done with it. Instead you spend a page having them talk about it. Not funny or interesting.

Also in the likness of Jeff Goldblum from Jurasic Park:

“Uh.. you do plan to have COMEDY in your… uh COMEDY script…right?... hello? Anyone there?”

Ok, sorry that may have been mean spirited. There were a couple funny moments, but I don’t think enough to sustain a comedy screenplay. You have the potential of having this screenplay be read by Ivan Reitman! I mean he produced Animal House! You need to step up the funny!
Page 23 had potential to be funny with the Oscar awards dream sequence. I kept waiting for the “wrap it up” music to start but no. Would have been funny. Also Jaces job with his explanation of not walking the dogs was funny too. But not related to the story.

Things start to get interesting when Ned finally strikes a winning video… not until page 62? I think this needs to be done a lot earlier. He needs to feel what its like to be famous in order for him to learn his lesson. It’s a classic rags to riches story. Then he bumps into his Idol! This is getting good. But its already over. You don’t hit your stride till the last third of the screenplay. Make it happen quicker!

Also when Sonesta leaves him, I think it is too easy for them to get back together. I would think he would do something youtube related in order to get her back. I right? But no he just goes to her and proposes. And she takes him back without hesitation in fact she was on her way to him!. Too easily if you ask me.

OK, I have tortured you enough. I really do think this is a potential winning premise, but I think it needs major overhaul.

Best of luck to you with this.

EDIT: I read and reviewed this before noticing that there was a newer version uploaded. I downloaded that version and with the exception of my points about parentheticals, I still feel my points stated in this review apply to the new version as well. It doesn’t look like a big revision.
 
0 out of 4 people found the following review helpful:

Clever and Witty

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
January 10, 2011
This should be made.
 
0 out of 5 people found the following review helpful:

Make this a movie!

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
January 07, 2011
Come on, Hollywood! Throw ten thousand dollars at this thing and make it a movie!
 
2 out of 7 people found the following review helpful:

Make Ned nicer?

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
January 07, 2011
I love you and I love the script Nate, but what do you think about making Ned nicer? Especially at the start of the script. That we we get behind him and root for him more?
 
0 out of 6 people found the following review helpful:

Five Stars!

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
January 07, 2011
Ka-boom!
 

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