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1 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Great plot - Suggestions

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
January 15, 2011
First off, I liked it, I am going to be focus on things you may want to change/adjust. However, there are a few concerns I have with it. Technically, the script was great, so most of my concerns are going to be opinion based. You will have to decide whether to listen to them or not.


SPOILERS AHEAD


First, the script was pretty long, which is not a big deal if I felt like the tension was a little more balanced. But this script is pretty long for a story like this, and if that is the case, I think you may want to work on the tension a little. In Italy, especially, I felt like it dragged a little. Once Rodger and Sara move back to the USA, the pacing picks up significantly. I would consider trimming up the script or trying to work on the tension.

Does their kid in Italy even matter? I am not sure if it contributed much to the overall plot. It seemed almost like a twist thrown in there. Maybe I missed something, but I just feel like if she was cut from the story, the overall plot would not suffer.

Second, you had some very clever plot twists and a very clever plot. Unfortunately, it just did not quite hit me as I think it could have. Thinking about it, I think something you may want to consider is making the Mayor/ Bill a little more villainous. Bill did not even do anything to the story. He was part of it, but contributed little.

Also, the reveal of Sara and Macie at the end is very big. However, it was only foreshadowed in one short flashback. Maybe other small nugget of a hint could be added for a bigger impact. The Major was revealed as the villain early on, so the biggest impact is Sara at the end. Take advantage of that. I would try to subtly foreshadow that a little more.

One other quick thing. At the end he happened to have that piece of plastic in his pocket when they were laying out on the beach? That seems a little bit of a stretch... He doesn't need to HAVE the plastic. I would just omit it.

These are just suggestions. Hope they help out and I think you have a great story here. Wish you the best of luck in the future.
 

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