Overall Recommendation:
4.0 stars
(2)
5 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
4 Stars:
100.0%
(2)
 
3 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
Story structure:
3.5 stars
(2)
 
Character:
3.5 stars
(2)
 
Dialogue:
3.5 stars
(2)
 
Emotion:
3.0 stars
(2)
 
 
1-2 of 2 reviews
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0 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

A lot of fun to read. Kind of confusing keeping track of all the different men.

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
February 10, 2011
I really enjoyed reading the script. The main character Charisse, is witty, earthy, kind hearted and totally drawn to the wrong men. There were lots of typos in the script that need fixing, and I did get confused in places about whether some characters were mixed up with others.

This is a really fun premise, a good romantic comedy, and I could not tell who she was going to end up with until it actually happened. I also felt like it could be shortened and simplified some more.

Fun overall!
 
2 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

A Fun and New Take on the Rom Com genre!!

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
January 30, 2011
I’m a big fan of Rom-com’s so I was happy to know this was my first read by K.L. Brady And I must say this was a great story from beginning to end. The story centers around the love life of a young woman Charisse and her ups and downs of love. I must say that this was an easy read, I love screenplays where it just flows and this one did nicely. The storyline was very strong and viable I believe for a great film. But the Dialog was on hit as well as the descriptive action scenes. K.L. has a way with using precise language that gets the point across with the use of very little words. I really liked this Screenplay and without a doubt would go and see the film and would recommend it to others. The following is a just a few of my suggestions and comments, take what you will and discard the rest, I’m a firm believer that suggestions are great but as writers no one knows better than we about our stories! Thanks K.L. for an Awesome Read!

“He’s The One”?

Pg. 1 Great start with the VO and the Sealy Posturepedic comment, hilarious!

Pg. 3 Suggestion: When the VO ends at “at least until…” and then action then continuing VO (maked the VO flow a bit cohesively from the last, a bit choppy here. Ex: at least until VO: “Fate came knocking one day, see no matter what…” Hope that makes sense.

Pg. 4 Dialog: “Pre-law and Pimping” hehehehe, “Gigolo lol” Priceless! really like this!

Pg. 4 the last dialog by Charisse: A “the few, the proud” get rid of the A.

Pg. 5 Great dialog again: “short bus special”

Pg. 7 Hey K.L I know you are working on a revision and may have caught this one already, but Dialog: Confused…and hands the bag to her. Should be how it reads.

Pg. 8 Another issue with that ellipses VO: Until… This has been done already: I would suggest just saying it instead of the hanging until next scene. Ex: Until the truth bitch slaps us.

Pg. 13-14 is a bit confusing for me hear, I had to go back and reread several times to try to make sense of it, may translate differently on film but tell us a bit more as to what is going on, I’m not real sure what McMansion is??? And this flashback to Marcus, not sure what purpose it serves.

Pg 17 Dwayne?? Who is this? Did we get an intro or did I miss it??

Pg 20 Dwayne again?? A little confusing here

Pg. 26 I like the dream transition, well done.

I like the VO they do add some of the comedic flavor to the Sp but I would suggest limiting them some as they are somewhat distracting by page 30. This was done quite a bit in the movie “Two Can Play That Game” as well with Vivica and Morris and I think it worked there because she was not only giving a lesson to her friends, the audience was also her pupils and therefore she would turn to the camera when she spoke quite a bit. I would suggest deleting the ones that are repeating things we know already or believe already about the characters.

Pg. 37 Dialog between Dwayne and Charisse is Priceless, Great job!

Pg. 40 Dwayne when should be Marcus, I think this was done before which is why I was confused above.

Okay I Googled the word McMansion, excuse my ignorance but the term was starting to get to me since I didn’t know what it meant. Know I get it!lol
Suggestion: The underlining is also a bit distracting and can be somewhat insulting to the reader, as if they just will not get the point unless its underlined…I think you’re a great enough writer that the point is clear without the underlining.

Pg. 73 Dialog…should be: I hate to interrupt you two.
By pg. 74 I am asking the question who is the antagonist/nemesis in the story and what are some obstacles that Charisse is facing that’s outside of herself, I get it that she is her own worst enemy but with that said, I would suggest some other sub-plots that is causing conflict for Charisse otherwise we have a story that premise that the world revolves around the main character which makes for a very unrealistic world.

I really liked the ending and how she ended up with Kevin, I was guessing him but thought maybe Lamar, good turn for sure.

Overall I thought this was a great Screenplay, the storyline was the strongest for me…I think it’s a feel good rom com for sure and is something many women can relate to as far as men and relationships go and the pitfalls that we find ourselves in when we don’t step back and analyze why we keep falling in the damn pit! The dialog was great and on point most of the time the only suggestion that I would have with the dialog is to cut it back some as far as the amount that the characters are saying at one given time. A good read and I would surely want to see it on the big screen!
 

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