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(1)
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4 Stars:
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(1)
 
3 Stars:
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2 Stars:
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1 Stars:
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Premise:
4.0 stars
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Story structure:
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Character:
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Dialogue:
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Emotion:
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3 out of 5 people found the following review helpful:

A Fresh Twist On An Old Premise

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
January 23, 2011
Here are my findings while reading your screenplay.

The writer: Glen seems to have a reputation on Amazon Studios of providing his very best reviews and being a recipient of said review, I will try to do his review justice by providing an as in-depth review for his script.

The reviewer: I am a true believer of giving honest opinions and constructive criticism when needed. I am not a professional reviewer nor writer so please take my opinions as just that, my opinions. I hope this review helps you in a positive way to help you move your screenplay to the next level.

Now on to my review...

I am assuming that you plan to enter this into the contest, if you are, you should read through the formatting requirements in the rules. One of them states that the font size must be 12 points. The file I downloaded had it set to 10.5. The font size could effect your page count and if you increase to 12 it could put you over the maximum pages. Fortunately I made the change on my copy and increased your length to 127 pages so you are safe, but I would make the change on your own draft. I don’t know how strict they are with that, but why take the chance.

General Script and Formatting: I found that in some of the narratives, you described what the character was thinking or spelling things out. Although this helps the reader, it doesn’t help an audience member watching it on the screen. A viewer won’t have the benefit of the narrative to help. So try to convey these characters thoughts and explanations in a visual sense. Some examples of what I am talking about are:

Page1: When Cooper enters, As the viewer, how do we know he is looking for cleavage if he doesn’t see any? I would inset some close-ups of womens chests with very high cut tops to try to convey this.

Page 78/79: When Zach gets into the limo. You explain to the reader that the unknown person is in fact Valentino Lentini. How would a viewer know this? Try to add some sort of visual identifier or have Zach whisper to himself.
There are a couple other minor areas, but I had trouble finding them when looking back through (I should have taken notes while reading but was very enthralled with the story).
That’s all I have on script formatting. All in all the script was very easy to read and in some places the extra narratives did help me as a reader, just be careful and be conscience of the eventual VIEWER.

Premise: At first read of the logline, I thought to myself that amnesia and insurance sounded familiar. Then I remembered the movie Memento which had a plot containing Amnesia and Insurance fraud. But when I read this screenplay I easily deciphered that this plot had nothing in common with Memento. In fact the premise is fresh. You see all these movies with characters with true amnesia and then at the end they remember etc. etc. This was a twist on the old genre.

Story: All in all the story is really well done. It has a good setup. I liked the opening and how you introduced your main character. Although, when it came time for Zach to have “amnesia”, I was looking forward to seeing how he would act towards certain situations, but his plan went downhill so quickly. I actually wished you had kept the farce going a bit longer in the story. I felt a little rushed. One moment he is putting this big extravagant scam on and within a whim it’s all over. He never had a chance to even get comfortable playing the fake amnesia victim. The time spent on the dart challenge scene I felt was one of the moments you could have used to further explore his “amnesia”. Maybe I missed it, but the dart scene didn’t really progress the story nor did it develop any characters other than that his Father is a good hacker and Cooper is an obnoxious jerk. It didn’t utilize Zach’s amnesia to its most. Maybe you could have setup earlier that he previously had challenged Cooper to a dart game and lost miserably and this was a chance to redeem himself. Or replace the dart scene all together with a story progressing or character developing scene(s).

Characters: I really felt your characters were very well thought out and defined. The Lentini thugs were a blast to read and same with the FBI agents. The Agents were great in that they were so cocky yet so incompetent. I could read the homeless guys all night with their “Inside Voices” Well done!

Dialogue: The dialogue was easy to read and very witty. I did however find the over use of the retard joke a little old after a while. The scene when Marcus was talking to the doctor right after his diagnosis was really funny. I would have ended it there. Maybe find another angle or bring it to the extreme later on. Like instead of saying “retard” try having people take it way out of the norm by saying something like he how has Autism or Down Syndrome all of a sudden or go extreme political correctness (just a suggestion).

Emotion: I had no trouble knowing what the characters where feeling or expressing. This could be a result of being given these emotions in some of the narratives. So again be careful. When it came to the character expressing their emotions within the dialogue this was done very well.

Final Thoughts: I thoroughly enjoyed this story. I found it entertaining and funny. I especially though the end was cute and perfect for the plot. Great job and good luck!
 

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