Overall Recommendation:
5.0 stars
(3)
5 Stars:
100.0%
(3)
 
4 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
3 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
5.0 stars
(3)
 
Story structure:
4.3 stars
(3)
 
Character:
5.0 stars
(3)
 
Dialogue:
5.0 stars
(3)
 
Emotion:
5.0 stars
(3)
 
 
1-3 of 3 reviews
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0 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

A winner!!!!!!!!

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
March 14, 2011
I never was much for war scripts or movies aside from a few such as The Patriot, but I absolutely loved this one. I love the way it shows both sides. The characters were amazingly well written especially Zinger, what a character he is. I loved to hate him lol. The story structure was great. I just found a couple of minor things like:

Page 29 What were you saying? you is missing from the question.

Page 32 The meal ended. The plates are still on....

Page 57 Prior to Possum asking if somebody shot zinger too. Is the sentence about Zinger's back supposed to be dialogue?

Page 89 SETH'S MOTHER.....holding a needle in her...if I remember correctly the r is missing on her.

Page 96 Is Minie supposed to be mini ball instead of minie ball?

I thoroughly enjoyed your script David and would love to see it on the big screen.

Great job!

Charlene
 
1 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

These soldiers found their greatest moments when they were No Longer Warriors.

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
March 07, 2011
This is a worthy endeavor that reveals (from both sides) the human emotions trapped in the horrors of war. It shows (through memories and flashbacks) what gives soldiers the ability to carry on. And it also reveals what makes them who they are.

My notes overall are minor.

On Introductions of characters, I would suggest CAPS on the complete name. Example: UNION CORPORAL SETH ADAMS

In a number of action scenes, I would try to edit down on some of the descriptions. Cut to the chase.

Page 11) Example: CONFEDERATE DOCTOR, blood-stained coat. Sees Seth carried in, points to the ground away from where he's working.

Interesting info about how the morphine was doled out.

Page 16 & 17) Descriptions of the stone house and its furnishings could be cut down.

NOTE: Some of these descriptions appear novelistic. (I realize that this is an adaptation and one sometimes just pulls from the book. (I'm guilty of that myself.)

Page 18 & 19) I'm not sure if you need a repeat of seeing the flashbacks again on Ellis and Cromwell, as we already saw it. (But that's your call.) I realize that it's the flashbacks that give us the back story on our characters.

Page 30) Example: SUMMER KITCHEN: Spartan, bare essentials.

Page 32) This is a small point. The stew was done pretty quick, in fact it cooked in the time of a small flashback. (Also, wouldn't these soldiers be concerned about smoke from the stone house chimney?)

Page 33) After the meal: Davey cleans up and everyone else is asleep.

Page 36) You could cross out the line about the sound 300 miles away.

Page 67) Again, tighten up the sleeping soldiers.

Page 100) SARGENT shouldn't it be SERGEANT?

All in all a nice piece. I liked the ending. It was touching and said a lot about the journey of life and veterans, no matter what war it was.

Good luck,

Richard Guimond
 
0 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

ZING...SPLAT

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
February 11, 2011
I love your dialog. It can be a little blocky at times but it works. Hiram comes to life. I am 10 pages in and not sure the Narrator was needed. It kind of stole the surprise of Seth getting shot being that it happens so quickly.

45 pages in and still interested. These characters are great and I love the dynamic going on in the cabin. There are a lot of flashbacks and most of them work. My only suggestion would be to cut out maybe one of the Goose flashbacks in order to maintain the action. We know Seth misses her and longs for her and maybe one of them isn’t needed. I can’t say which one because they all work but once we got to the cabin I really wanted to keep seeing the soldiers. This is only a suggestion and by no means would keeping all the flashbacks hinder the story.

Seth: “Thanks for shooting the unarmed Reb, Zinger. You saved us all.” I about peed my pants that line was so funny. It only works because your characters work so well together. I keep seeing Zinger as Rooster Cogburn from True Grit and it’s working for me. Don’t know if you intended that but I did just see True Grit.

This story works on many levels. I like that the battle mostly rages all around them like a storm and they get the after effects of it…wounds, Possum, etc. In the second act when all the characters begin getting flashbacks I think Seth’s story was lost for awhile and I started to feel that maybe this wasn’t about him. Maybe instead of a few of the flashbacks you can have a character tell an emotional story, Davey shooting his gun for example.

I really couldn’t find anything that bothered me though. Sometimes you have a little too much information in the action lines that the viewer wouldn’t be aware of. And therefore it could be cut while retaining the same effect. The one example I can think of is when you explain that the cannon fire (before Possum) could be heard from 300 miles away. You could probably cut that and just say that The cannon fire is all that could be heard.

Just a thought, could all the flashback be cut and just show each individual characters story up until they meet in the cabin? Then the cabin in real time? That way we would know Davey was lying about shooting his gun and I think that might show how much it really affected him. I don’t know just a thought. I’m stretching for improvements here because I really enjoyed it.

This is a good piece of work.
 

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