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The title suits your script.

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
1 stars
 
Story structure:
1 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
February 01, 2011
I had a series of concerns:
*The bold lettering you use is distracting. You should just capitalize your characters.
*Speaking of CAPS, all your sounds need to be capitalized, as well as first introductions of new characters.
*Where you have "We hear a postal official" isn't needed.
*Don't write, we see on the screen, one month later. All you need to do is write SUPER: ONE MONTH LATER. That shows its superimposed across the screen.
*You should change how you write SWANN Iiiiiaaaahhhh! Why not simply say Swann screams.
*Your dialogue does sound natural, but it's entirely to wordy. This is a script, not a book. You need to trim all unnecessary words, actions, and scene descriptions.
*You use to many headings. You should try slug lines or a series of intercuts. It stops the script from flowing smoothly.
*Overall I like the concept, but where was the hook? You need something in at least the first ten pages to capture the viewers interest. Why not have the postal carnage at the beginning and flashback from there.

I hope it helps your future drafts.
 

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