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Premise:
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Reminded Review

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
May 21, 2013
Rob-

Nice to see another Chicago writer on here!

I like this script. The pace is good and the layers of intrigue keep me in the dark and wanting more. Since this is your 11th draft, I'm not sure how interested you are in making further edits, but I'll throw in my two cents anyway.

There are times when the narration suffers from trying to tell to much. For example:
p. 31: "The lonely streets and empty alleys outside their window seem to condemn this union, but tonight, they are denied." I'm not sure how this would be conveyed on film. Something like "CUT TO: The darkened streets, stark, quiet, deserted" might give the director the image you want and allow the audience to impart meaning.
p. 49: "a yellow and black capsule, Mcat or mephedrone. Street name - meow meow.
BRUNETTI
Meow..."
Since this is not a very common street drug, I'm not sure how the audience would grasp what the capsule is from an image and "Meow." Even having Brunetti describe the pill "Mcat, mephedrone, meow meow" would help.
p. 88: "The personality of a true politician lies somewhere between open diplomacy and hidden agendas." A moralizing political statement disguised as character description.

I also think you have the opportunity to take this project a little farther. It stands up very well as an original action/thriller/drama, but there is some hinting at an ethical interpretation from Roger that you could tighten up to really bring this piece to the next level. To me Roger's speech at the gala comes off as a bit generic and preachy, especially since it ignores most of the hard evidence he's worked so hard to compile. It's a side of him that doesn't really appear until this moment, which makes sense in a way because of his amnesia. Perhaps a scene at the beginning to portray Roger as the "ass" he's described as would help by way of contrast. The only impression I get from before the accident is that he is in a contentious marriage--good foreshadowing for the truth about Macie but not really well-rounded character development for Roger. Also, if you were to narrow your message down to a subtle main theme (questions of personal identity, forgiveness and dealing with the past, ethics of cutthroat business, etc.) with a few minor side ideas I think you could have something really powerful.

Again, well done and I will look forward to watching the test film.
 

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