Overall Recommendation:
3.3 stars
(9)
5 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
4 Stars:
33.33%
(3)
 
3 Stars:
66.67%
(6)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
3.3 stars
(9)
 
Story structure:
2.8 stars
(8)
 
Character:
3.7 stars
(9)
 
Dialogue:
3.8 stars
(9)
 
Emotion:
3.7 stars
(9)
 
 
1-9 of 9 reviews
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4 out of 4 people found the following review helpful:

Red Badge of Courage meets Farewell to Arms...and legs

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
July 31, 2011
With a war storming all around the author keeps our focus inside a stone house full of wounded soldiers. The sting of war keeps the tension up as the soldiers recant their lives and intermingle their true beliefs.

A stunning realistic opening scene gives you a sense of what a war would be like.
The author pulls you into the Civil war action and before long you are in the nineteenth century right along with his dynamic characters. The rich dialogue brings these characters to life. Seth’s memories of Goose are heart felt and give a fulfilling depth to the story. The reunion at the end brings a warm end to this story of war.
 
0 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

More characters then you can shake a stick at.

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
May 01, 2011
The read was relatively quick, good pacing, I actually read it past the first 30 pages (page 35).
I'm not a fan of flashbacks because sometimes it loses the reader but I was able to keep up with these. Imagery was fine, not too wordy, again, very easy read.

Favorite Part:

The interactions with Seth and Goose were good. Dialogue sounded good, very readable and didn't seem like it was forced.

Characters:

Zinger, meh, not real impressed by him or his character. Just seemed kind of a carbon clone of a Bully.
Seth is a good sympathetic character, I like how he names his GF Goose.
Goose, love her. Awesome gal, great lines nothing of her's seems wasted.
Young Reb has a few nice lines. good bit part, nice role.
Hiram, good nature character, funny lines and I had a soft spot for this guy.
Doc, he wasn't too bad of a character, I like the fact that he was looking out for everyone though he was a reb.

What doesn't work for me:

There are a lot of characters that seem to say a line or two and are never to be seen again. I went back to count the characters that had a line of dialogue or more and there are over 17 characters that have speaking roles in the first 30 pages. I'm not sure how there could be that many characters in such a short time but there they were. Looking back, this is way too many.

Solid script and good writing, I feel that the pacing was good, but would not have minded if our lead character was a bit more proactive.

Overall I would rate this 3 to 3.5 stars for the first 30 pages.
 
0 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

30 Pages Review

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
April 21, 2011
As discussed, this is a review of the first 30 pages only. It reflects an opinion of a partial script.

First, the good stuff. Loved the setting and the set-up. Goose is a treat. The characters are three-dimensional and true, the dialogue crisp and not too wordy, and the story locale is evocative. I think the writing, the way the author handles words to tell a story, is top notch.

Now for the negatives (in my opinion): What distinguishes this script from a television movie? TV is timed and budgeted to dialogue and there's a reason for that. Dialogue means fewer set-ups and makes for easily managed production. That's why most TV is not visual and the story is carried forward by dialogue.

'No Longer Warriors' is carried forward by dialogue. Judging by the first 30 pages only, it could even be converted into a stage play. Most of the real action takes place in or near the cabin. The characters could express almost everything else via dialogue. This isn't to say that dialogue isn't important -- it is -- but there should only be enough dialogue to tell the story and no more. Dialogue assists the image.

Still, this is a well written script and I could see it produced for one of the cable channels when the time becomes right for a Gettysburg story.
 
0 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Zing!

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
April 11, 2011
The premise is good.

But the real strengths is in the structure. These types of structures are not the easiest to design but you have dug in and created a smart foundation.

The characters really power this story, the interchanges feel real and the story has an authentic flavor because of them.

Which leads us to the dialogue. The dialogue complements the characters, as they should.

Emotionally, I wouldn't say I was deeply rooted in them, but it is only 30 pages that I read and everyone should know...I am intrigued enough to read it through.

All and All,
a promising story
that deserves more then a 30 page read.


Well Crafted and Finely drawn out!
 
0 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Good hearted guys

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
2 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
April 05, 2011
I got to tell you that I was a bit positively surprised about how accessible you've got the characters. First the bond between Seth's woman and then he's out there alone about to die. And she already has got his death confirmed through a letter. Find things like that brilliant.

After this Seth is left on his enemy's mercy. These are good movie moments. The good-hearted, friendly way they have... very touching.

Then the doctor scene. My thoughts went to the hospital series on TV. They have a lot of viewers, but they're not for me. However, the story rolls on pretty well through the dialogue. But it also has the a bit too common "you might loose this leg" and "bullet went straight through"-chat.

When Seth is in the house the time stands still and I don't care for these new characters. Means I as a viewer am stuck in the house as well. That your intention? At the same time I ask myself if the things that I mention above are optimal even if I like them. Are they true to the story as a whole? From your synopsis I get the impression that we'll spend most of the movie in this house. Maybe the guys in the house become more interesting soon... So far I am most interested in to see Seth return to his woman.

So, yeah, you've done well where it works, but it's not truly strong yet.
 
0 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

NO LONGER WARRIORS review

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
April 05, 2011
This is a review of the first 30 pages as requested by the author.

The skill of the writers here is obvious and it was a joy reading. I was immersed in the plight of all characters involved, especially of course Seth. He's a very likable character. The dialogue is well crafted and fits the times. The only bits of dialogue I felt uncomfortable with were between Seth and "Goose" - a bit cheesy, melodramatic, chick-flicky. Consider maybe giving "Goose" a less stereotypical voice (and perhaps a different nick name because I couldn't help but constantly think of Top Gun lol ) - something that creates a special chemistry between her and Seth. Right now, we accept them as simply in love because the writers say so. Show us instead what makes their bond special.
So far, this script reminds me of an extension of the battle scenes and romance bits in ATONEMENT, which is a very good thing. Where I feel this script (or the first 30 pages) lacks is a clearly defined hook. Although I was engaged, at about page 15 I was wondering if this was all it was going to be - men surviving and talking about their wounds and Seth having flashbacks.
Which brings up flashbacks. To put it simply - they don't bother me but you do have to use them wisely because a lot of people have a problem with them and it can interfere with your story and character progression/arc. Which brings up another thing I wonder about - Seth's character arc. He's already extremely likable, obviously a good guy. Is his "arc" basically going to be whether he ends up dead or not? I'm not sure if that's enough. I think you need more set-up regarding his arc in the first 15 pages or so.
Judging by your notes, you got rid of a revealing line in the beginning narration about his destiny? That sounds like it's something you should work into the hook. Not in a revealing manner but in a manner that, well, gets us hooked and wondering.
Overall, this is extremely well-crafted material that I feel just needs a bit more shaping in terms of beats... structure. The strengths are overall atmosphere and solid characters that people are going to want to root for. The premise is not overly original but it's solid and timeless. The story you're wrapping around it has the beginnings of, what I feel, people are going to care about and want to watch on the big screen. Further down the road, perhaps after having resolved some structural issues (if you agree they even exist - I could be wrong) something perhaps to look at and play with is visuals. Make it stunning. Be creative with some of your transitions. People can argue all they want about whether or not that's the writer's job but readers will flow through your work even easier and end up mesmerized by the picture your painting. After all, the point for you as a writer is to get your readers to drool over your potential film. Use your skill. This is a fine beginning!

Best of luck!
 
3 out of 4 people found the following review helpful:

No Longer Warriors Review

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 

E C

March 29, 2011
I thought that the limited setting of this story was quite interesting. I thought we got to know the soldiers and I was affected by their plights. I think that dialogue was strong, all relevant to the time period and it felt very based in history. I can definitely feel the Civil War looming over these character's lives.

My major problem was the constant flashbacks. I was having a hard time keeping track of all the characters even without the flashbacks. Then, every other page or so, there was a flashback that brought about at least 2-3 more characters. Sometimes I got why the flashback was there but a lot of the time it was just there to show us the actions behind a line:

BERDAN TRAINING OFFICER 2 Your father teach you?
INT. ZINGER'S FAMILY HOME - 20 YEARS AGO - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
ZINGER'S FATHER, (40’s), scruffy, stumbles into the house, holdingawhiskeybottle. Zinger's Mother is standing there.
ZINGER'S MOTHER Uriah Zook. You're drunk.
Zinger's mother hits the man and he drops the bottle and it shatters on the floor.
The broken bottle sends the man into a rage. He hits Zinger's Mother several times.

I'm not sure what this adds to the story. All in all I counted 18 flashbacks. I know the constraints of just having one room is hard but I'd rather stay with these guys and have the plot go without interruptions than be foisted back into a character's backstory so often.

Overall, I liked the story that was happening in the present and I wanted to stay there. Trim some backstories and I think this could be a great screenplay.
 
2 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

first ten pages review

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
No rating
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 

aMy

March 28, 2011
I am an amateur script writer so i cannot comment too much on formating but i do think that instead of written words: day one… you are suppose to you SUPERIMPOSE: day one….

when it comes to your story i like the nonlinear aspect of the story, but because i only read the first ten pages i don't know if you it to get the maximum effect and weave a cohesive story

From the first ten pages i didn't get a real sense of Seth and his motivations. All i know is that he's been shot, I don't even know if he's trying to make his way back home from these pages.

I also didn't really like the dialogue between goose and Seth when he tells her he is going to war

And lastly I was a little confused about why the rebels are helping him-- is the war over at this point?

i have to read the whole script to give it a better review because not much happens in the first ten pages.
 
0 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Slow Death

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
March 28, 2011
I’m really the wrong guy for this material. I hate hospitals, I hate hanging out with sick people. I don’t think I like wounded people, either. Judging art is so subjective anyway, and I’m afraid I’m biased. I just get the heebie-jeebies hanging out with all these mortally wounded people.

Anyway, I'm going to do the best I can to give you constructive feedback.

You might look for ways to make this more cinematic. Have you seen Dead Man? That’s an awesome Jim Jarmusch movie. Johnny Depp plays a man who is shot in the stomach and it takes him several days to die. It’s poetic and beautiful. You ought to study that movie, it might give you some ideas.

Another suggestion would be to watch Dark Passage. That’s a great Bogart film where we don’t see Bogart for the entire first half of the movie. Everybody talks to the camera. What I’m thinking is that it might be highly effective to do this with Seth’s character. We tell the story from his point of view. You put us directly in his shoes and everybody talks to the camera/us.

I think that might help this material a lot. Right now I have this huge urge to distance myself from these characters. I don’t want to be hanging out with all these dying people. But if you put me in the shoes of Seth, and you distort things as I start hallucinating, and everybody’s talking to us, that might really work. Make it a bit more surreal.

I think that might help with the flashbacks, too. If Seth is hallucinating, slipping in and out of consciousness, it would make sense that he would start dreaming of his woman at home. I like Seth's flashbacks and I think they work really well. I'm a lot less happy with everybody else's flashbacks. It seems to me we're filming backstory now and getting away from the drama in the situation.

That's another suggestion I would have, look for ways to increase the drama. You might take a look at Lifeboat to see what Hitchcock could do in a confined space.

Right now it still seems like more of a play to me than a movie. On the other hand, this could be shot fairly cheaply I think. Good luck with it.
 

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