Overall Recommendation:
4.0 stars
(2)
5 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
4 Stars:
100.0%
(2)
 
3 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
4.5 stars
(2)
 
Story structure:
2.0 stars
(2)
 
Character:
4.5 stars
(2)
 
Dialogue:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
Emotion:
3.5 stars
(2)
 
 
1-2 of 2 reviews
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2 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Dude, where's my money

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 

E C

April 17, 2011
I definitely got a Harold & Kumar/Dude Where's My Car kind of feel from this film. You have a group of goofy normal guys and some crazy villains. There's vignettes everywhere in crazy places mixed in with a low-stakes but solid goal.

I thought this script was pretty fun. As the other review suggests, the story structure is confusing so I did find myself having trouble following it. Then, I just gave up, and started just enjoying it.

The script is funny and clever. I would definitely take out some of the real obvious movie references...they took me out of your original stuff. But, overall, this was funny!
 
1 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Very Funny

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
April 14, 2011
You have several hilarious scenes, many many amusing scenes, some annoying scenes, and one dead air scene that's eight pages long. Your structure's a mess. I'm not even sure if that matters. The nice thing about comedy is that you can break all the rules, as long as it's funny. As long as people are laughing, they don't care if this is irrational or makes no damn sense. Just keep 'em laughing.

Best parts. Your lumberjack. I totally see Tim Meadows in that role.

"So, Mister Black Lumberjack. Where exactly did you come from?"

"Well, I’m a... woodsman, you know? So, the woods. I live in a little cabin over that way."

Love his smoke bombs and horrible disguises. That's very amusing.

I liked all your scenes with Marty, Tony and Oliver. I can cast them, too. Zach Galifianakis, Paul Rudd, and Christopher Mintz-Plasse. Funny!

Your funniest scene is the nudist colony. "They made me dance with them." LOL.

You might think of ways to add more physical humor into this. For instance, when Tony confronts Jack in his living room, he should have a football instead of a baseball bat. Since he's a football guy, not a baseball guy. "Damn it. I wish I had a baseball bat." So he puts his helmet on and throws his football at Jack. "Ow!" Hits him a couple times with the football and then Jack throws one of his smoke bombs. Then they talk.

Your inciting incident, when Jack and Tony agree to steal the winning DVD case, is on page 82. That's what I mean by "structure is a mess". I almost want to say make it messier. Your scenes are so disconnected right now. It's like 3 or 4 or 6 movies all kinda mashed together. But what is funny and kinda works is when you put a title card up like this: ONE WEEK AGO. OR MAYBE IT WAS MORE LIKE A WEEK AND A HALF. WE’LL CALL IT 10 DAYS, OK? 10 DAYS AGO.

You might think about throwing those titles up a lot more often. FOUR DAYS FROM NOW. THREE DAYS AFTER TUESDAY. AT LEAST A WEEK AGO BUT MAYBE MORE WE'RE A LITTLE CONFUSED. Just pointing out to the audience that your structure is all over the place and not to worry about it will reassure your audience and also make it funny.

Your dead air scene for me is the Tantamount Studios scene. All the movie talk is horrible and boring and not funny.

I also think you should take out--or greatly reduce--all your homages and references and steals from other movies. Take out Back to the Future, take out Neo, take out Kevin Costner. None of that is really funny. And it makes me suspicious of your original stuff. I'm like, "Maybe he stole the black woodsman, too. That sounds familiar."

There's just a huge amount of amusing dialog and wit in this screenplay, though. Almost all of your scenes are funny or amusing. They are just so disconnected right now.

One thing I really like is how you bring characters back and circle them around again. I like seeing your cop three times. I'd like to see Larry once or twice more, too.

You might think about sticking your black thief in just about every scene. Like he's always stealing something. Instead of doing the Office Space homage with the red stapler, have your thief, in disguise, running off with a computer. At Tantamount Studios he's stealing stuff. He's stealing something in every scene. It could be like a background gag. That might work as a linking device. He could steal the cop's motorcycle the first time he pulls the gang over. "Son of a bitch!"

Read it out loud. You probably want to cut back on some of your dialog. All your scenes seem to be running long. You have 8 pages in the car. 8 pages in a board meeting. A table read will really help you figure out what is working and what is not. Right now it's really amusing. I think if you keep working this material, you can get it up to hysterical. Good luck.
 

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