Overall Recommendation:
5.0 stars
(2)
5 Stars:
100.0%
(2)
 
4 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
3 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
5.0 stars
(2)
 
Story structure:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
Character:
5.0 stars
(2)
 
Dialogue:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
Emotion:
3.5 stars
(2)
 
 
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1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Jake and Elwood, move over - here comes Patrick and Tilley!

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
April 12, 2011
Excellent work Mathew. A new twist on an old premise that manages to be totally unique. The script is certainly viable as is, but if you decide to undertake further revisions, here's what I've got for you:

1. Even given that it's a comedy, I thought a few of the less probable events needed some additional attention to enhance believability. Specifically, the car chase scenes and running over band leader on the beach. I suggest taking these parts in one of two directions; either make it absolutely clear that we've veered into theater of the absurd (I'm thinking of the chase scene in blues brothers with the car pile up), or find a way to allow us to believe the character would behave in the ways they do. E.g., unless you want us to hate Patrick, don't have him be totally nonplussed by running someone over, it makes it too hard to sympathize.

2. I loved Jack Knife - but it took me 2-3 occurrences before I got the joke. I recognize that's part of the humor, but is there a way to make his first appearance a bit more humorous? Because it happened so early on, I was more confused by his appearance and joining of the band than amused by it.

3. Patrick's existential crisis was probably the least effective part of the script for me. I know it's standard for comedies to include the emotional element that get's solved, but it sometimes served to bog down the script. I suggest either spoofing this element of standard comedies a bit more directly, or perhaps toning it down.

Overall the script was hilarious. I would definitely watch it in the theater.

Good luck and keep writing!

-Rhett
 
1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

A Little Bit Blues Brothers + a Little Bit Orange County=All Good

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
April 09, 2011
Definitely one of the best scripts I've read on AS. Other than some typos that can be easily fixed (for example, the spelling of Tilley's name changes sometimes, and there appear to be extra page numbers thrown in after some slug lines), it reads very smoothly. The dialogue is great, and even the action/description sequences are a fun read.

I really enjoyed the idea that the Universe seems to be moving Patrick toward his fate whether he likes it or not (although sometimes Tilly's a bit too on-the-nose about that fact). Loved the dream sequences, too.

The characters were great and each had their own voice. Jack Knife is especially awesome.

I know you have specific songs in mind and would like to see them in the film, but for various reasons, it's usually not a good idea to specify those things in a spec script. Maybe you could try describing the songs instead of naming them? I don't have a problem with it personally, but I know it's considered a "no-no."

Over all, great job!
 

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