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Premise:
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Story structure:
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Character:
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Dialogue:
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Follow Through

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
April 16, 2011
Some good ideas and elements in this script but there are a few issues.

The idea of Shane mimicing his wife's symptoms is very intriguing but it is never fully explored. This angle is better laid out in the synopsis than the actual script. Plus, Jake seems the be the character having many of these issues, not Shane. In many of sections of the script it seemed like Jake and Shane were mixed up, the focus on Jake with Shane as a side character.

The other issue I had was with motivations and reactions of some of the characters - in particular the girls. I'll give you one example - a wife who is 4 or 5 months pregnant and has to go to Mexico to bail her husband out of jail but isn't pissed off at all? Hard to believe. At every turn, the wives give these guys a pass. Leaving out any conflict is leaving potenial comedy on the table.

There's alot to like in this script. I think one more pass that clearly follows through on your premise, cements Shane as the character that you intended him to be, and makes the wives more realistic would make this script a winner.


PS - It's Bob Dylan (not Dillon)
 

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