Overall Recommendation:
4.5 stars
(2)
5 Stars:
50.0%
(1)
 
4 Stars:
50.0%
(1)
 
3 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
5.0 stars
(2)
 
Story structure:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
Character:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
Dialogue:
4.5 stars
(2)
 
Emotion:
5.0 stars
(2)
 
 
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6 out of 7 people found the following review helpful:

Blues review

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
Let me start by singing your praises and then I’ll move on to where you were a little off pitch.

Your concept was inspired. It’s a story the audience knows but you’ve put your unique stamp on it, and that’s a really good place to be. The familiar story line gives the reader/viewer a sense ownership when reading. They feel like they belong in the Chrysler with Patrick and the gang. There is a sense of unpredictability but at the same time when a new twist pops up it’s easy to swallow because you have involved us so heavily in the story.

Your dialogue for the most part is pitch-perfect. Quirky enough to entertain, but not so quirky to be “cutesy”.

You’ve created a strong character in Patrick. As a heroes go, he has distinct voice and he does take a journey that is truly relatable. His obstacles are very well defined.

The pace was quick and gave us the ups and downs that are the hallmark of a great rollercoaster ride of a script. Your witty dialogue pushed the pace with spot on transitions and gave us the semblance of a road map that kept us invested.

Places that need to be tightened include a few spots of dialogue that was a bit too “on the nose”. An example would be pg 30 Bo says: “You know, I've been apart of the Sick Sad Souls since high school. They have no talent, and yet continue to play, badly. It's not fair that your folks had to die. Still, for someone who can actually sing, I don't understand why you wouldn't be willing to introduce some fairness to the world and form a band that actually play good music.” That’s sort of punching the reader/viewer in the face with your theme rather than letting the theme present itself organically. Also in that same area (pg 29-30) we hear about Patrick’s parents death “sort of”. You teases it a bit in the beginning of the script but we haven’t really been given enough information about the deaths for it to be presented in such an offhanded way. I think you need to either give us that information in full at the beginning of the script or not have a minor character throw it around so casually. It gives a sense that we as readers/viewers aren’t important enough to know that information but a minor character is important enough. I had to reread that section 3 times to understand what they were talking about. Tilley says: “Exactly, and you're not doing your folks any service by not doing anything with the freedom they paid for.” Out of context, when you’re thinking music not military that sounds more like a hippie statement rather than a solider statement especially coming from a girl like Tilley.

Tilley is an awesome idea of a character and she has a lot of moments where she’s a fully amazing 3D character, but at times she gets lost so when she pops back up again it can be jarring. Also, this is a nitpicky point but do a search of your character names. Tilley’s name isn’t said in dialogue until page 25. The audience won’t know her name until then. You did a nice job getting Patrick’s name out by having someone at the hotel say hi to him but other characters could go unnamed throughout the entire movie. The idea of Jack Knife as Jesus was lost a little bit (I did catch the water into wine reference on pg 5). It’s a neat idea that you should push a little harder. A loaf of Wonder bread could feed a crowd. Stuff like that.

Transitions like CUT TO: etc. are sort of out of vogue right now in spec scripts they eat up a lot of space in your script and for page count your running a little short so I would lose the transitions and put that page space to better use.

One of those better uses might be in setting up the story. Setting up Patrick’s background in particular. This is really the biggest place that the script needs help. I never look at script notes, or in the case of AS watch the script pitch until after I read the script because I want the script to speak for itself, (I did watch your pitch afterward, very funny). You mentioned something like using the blues to kill Emo music. I love the Blues and know just a little bit about Emo music but as I was reading the script I never got a real sense of either of those two types of music. Yes you use specific songs which you might get spanked for by other reviewers for copyright infringement (I don’t personally care because you didn’t use lyrics and I know any one of those songs can be changed if need be). What you need to be careful of is making sure the idea of what the songs are is evident in the text. Once the music starts in the actual film the audience knows it’s a blues song or an Emo song but without the music present it’s hard to reconcile the difference especially anyone not familiar with the songs you pick.

We also need to be hit a little more over the head with the ultimate destination, i.e. the SAD contest. Like I said we feel that we are on the ride with the characters. They are in the dark a little bit about where they’re going and that’s okay but we as an audience member need to have the goal a little more in our minds to want to stick with the journey. We also need to see the Blues trying to come out of Patrick more in the beginning. Maybe in the car during the first scene he’s flipping through the radio looking for good music and only finding Emo. He could be drumming on the desk while the woman is asking for flight information. I also think that part of the dream sequence needs to involve music and there needs to be an element of music in the relationship with Shelly. Show her to be an Emo. Maybe she’s the one that invited Patrick to the Sick Sad Soul concert in the parking lot. Maybe the flyer is in Patrick’s car because Shelly gave it to him so he’ll know when and where to go and the flyer then gets stuck on Tilley’s shoe as she exits the car and that’s why she shows up at the concert (the universe stuck it to her shoe to help Patrick). Patrick going to see an Emo group against his will for Shelly makes more sense than him going for Tilley who doesn’t like the band anyway. Long story short, we need to know Patrick better before we get in the car with him.

This is truly as great idea with some amazing dialogue and a fun ride. It just needs a a few minor tweaks.

Any questions let me know.
 
3 out of 11 people found the following review helpful:

Brand new bag of LAUGHS

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
June 20, 2011
NON STOP LAUGH RIOT!
 

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