Overall Recommendation:
5.0 stars
(1)
5 Stars:
100.0%
(1)
 
4 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
3 Stars:
0%
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2 Stars:
0%
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1 Stars:
0%
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Premise:
5.0 stars
(1)
 
Story structure:
3.0 stars
(1)
 
Character:
4.0 stars
(1)
 
Dialogue:
4.0 stars
(1)
 
Emotion:
4.0 stars
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4 out of 5 people found the following review helpful:

Should please anyone involved with AS

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
May 25, 2011
I reviewed this script considering the writers had a lot of fun writing it and obviously doesn’t take themselves too seriously. I think that’s one of the strength of the script. There seems to be no limits to ridiculous and unthinkable. I’m usually not a fan of that kind of movie but this is kinda refreshing and I liked it.

So here are a few notes and suggestions, feel free to do whatever you want with this.

Neuro Obsessive Scriptamos Mania (LOL)

I think the lack of structure is obvious and it is the main problem of this script. Probably because there’s a lot of writer and the twists seems to be mostly improvised. It’s a good thing though because I was expecting literally anything to happen, the script doesn’t follow the usual boring pastern. But I think the first thing to do is establish a structure and some twist, also when you’ll know how it ends, you’ll probably be able to structure it all much more.

First of all you need a reason why these scripts affect them like this. The illness is a funny detail but it’s hardly realistic. I would suggest to keep it, but add something bigger behind this. Maybe at the end we could find out it’s not a illness they have but it’s like AS website that has some super powers and controls people minds with their scripts? Maybe Malak can be aware of it and he’s skipping the battle to find the premise of the big head of AS and if he destroys it with lot of votes against it, it will free all people’s mind? How about making Auditorz the big bad guy of the story? Just a thought.

You can also say that the solution is in one of the scripts on the website. Like the answer is in Vernon’s script Ohmygod, or something like it. But they have to find the right premise through premise war.

Maybe you can add some thinking about logline a little more. Cause the premise of the script is a man struggle to find the right logline, yet this premise seems to be forgotten at page 5. Like for example, they try to find the solution but Dave can’t stop thinking about his logline and come up with some funny, ridiculous or completely off subject logline. I can see that through a conversation, the characters are talking about some life and death matter and then Dave interrupts to say his logline idea out loud and everyone look at him like, what?

You have a thing for Turkey huh? It’s weird and comes back so often that it actually really gets funny. But Turkey butt and dip shit came back too often. Find something else and replace a few of them to keep the dialogue interesting and especially to keep it from looking all the same.

If you’re going to run through the premises until you find yours, you should at least vote. (Lol, considering the situation he’s in, it makes it really funny that he just bothers about the guy skipping the battle, maybe Ralph can be really obsessed about it and the ``rules`` of premise wars or something like it.)
Overall I think it could be funny and definitely interest everyone involved in Amazon studio which is why I think that instead of focusing just on premise war, you can go bigger and go for the whole studio and premise war is just an instrument to get to the writers or something.

This was my opinion and you do what you want with it :P
Good luck for the rest!
 

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