Overall Recommendation:
4.0 stars
(3)
5 Stars:
33.33%
(1)
 
4 Stars:
33.33%
(1)
 
3 Stars:
33.33%
(1)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
4.3 stars
(3)
 
Story structure:
4.0 stars
(3)
 
Character:
4.3 stars
(3)
 
Dialogue:
3.7 stars
(3)
 
Emotion:
4.3 stars
(3)
 
 
1-3 of 3 reviews
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0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Break Up Artist

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
May 09, 2016
I have dumped before, it wasn't great. Good show. Good luck.
 
0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

A nice little comedy, but a bit too much on the romance

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
September 07, 2015
This little comedy explores relationships. But I didn't like how Chris didn't have a lot of development. In fact, everyone else but him is developed. We know Jerry has a sweet apartment, gets stuff for free, and is the ultimate womanizer. Mary is given lots of back story through her chats with Chris and the opener, while Rachel also is given some good characterization with the biology talk in the park.

Chris is a bit one dimensional. We don't know much about him, he's like a walking piece of cardboard that just goes along with whatever Jerry says. He's a bit flat is what I'm saying, the only thing I remember is that he's good at making apple fritters and he's a bit of a hopeless romantic. A little more is needed for his character I thought, because he's very one dimensional.

As for the plot, I did like it overall but it ends really really cliche like. Everyone gets hooked up except the villain, so its very eye rolling and groan inducing is everyone gets hooked up, even Adam and Steve. I know its a comedy so it ends with happy happy, but there's a little bit too much of it. Maybe having Mikey growl about people getting hooked up or something just to take the edge of the fluffy good feelings.

Dialogue is a bit flat. The characters basically say what they want to do and how they feel sometimes, Mary I notice always bears her soul to Chris. Jerry and Rachel also talk the plot a lot and it sometimes get boring. Chris is especially flat in his dialogue.

Jokes. This is the biggest thing, a lot of things in this script don't work. Like the tranny joke, that would just be offensive now, due to new content like Orange is the New Black and the Jeffrey Tambor show. Other jokes that I feel fall flat: Most of Adam and Steve's gags, I feel they are pretty useless in the movie. The only thing they are good for is that they are a goal that the protagonist and antagonist need to work on. Maybe if instead of a tranny, they meet a really emotional woman who laments how bottom of the barrel guys are talking to her and then cries and gets all emotional or something. The tranny gag doesn't work. I like comedies that are more true to life, that have more realistic scenarios.

Gags/Jokes I do like: The seal bone lamp, Jerry and Rachel trapped in the closet, when Mary talks about sex in front of the kids at the video store, Mikey's break up scene. I also felt there was a big lack of jokes. sometimes I had myself grinning here or there, but there isn't enough big zingers or embarrassing moments. It made the script feel more like a romance film rather than a comedy.

Tone: It starts off innocent enough, but it jumps back and forth between raunchy and sweet. But there isn't a good balance. One moment they are looking at murals of women as furniture, and then by the film's end they are all dancing and cute and the entire meeting has now completely changed, despite them being two clubs of man-eaters and womanizers. I felt the movie lost its raunchiness halfway through, and the second half feels like a feel good romance film. Its hard to balance heart and sleaze, but you need to up the ante in the joke department and cut back on the gooey goodness of the film's end. Or make it so that the two main couples ditch the club and decide they don't need it, leaving these womanizers and man-eaters to contemplate their lifestyles. But also you'd have to fix Jerry's living situation after, maybe he moves in with Rachel or something.

I don't like the month intercuts, I don't feel they are necessary. Also I feel like their job needs to be more descriptive. I also wrote a comedy and put zero emphasis on the job, but its important. We know they are working at a soul crushing job. Why is it soul crushing? Why not have a scene with a blow hard boss who's really lame, and talks about really boring forms or something, something akin to Office Space? It would add a laugh and it put more emphasis on how its a soul sucking job. It can also be something that maybe Jerry and Chris can walk away from, as another form of freedom at the film's end. They can get new jobs or something. Also, what they specifically do can put some good angles on their personalities. Mary works at a movie store, she likes to watch movies. She likes movies like West Side Story. Rachel's job is never mentioned, but her schooling is. It gives the ladies dimension. I feel Jerry and Chris also need a bit more fleshing out. Also it doesn't really make sense why Chris has to get a new job and move in with Jerry. If perhaps it was an apartment at the beginning and it was originally Rose's place, that would make sense. Instead of Chris making tea and toast for his lady, he comes back to an eviction notice or something. He has no place to stay, so he hits up his best friend. The cubicle thing doesn't have to be there if you don't need it. They can discuss their love lives anywhere.

Just thought of a joke: When Rachel and Jerry are dressed in sunglasses and caps in the park, it would be funny to see a parent walk past and them pull their kid closer as they walk by. Maybe they look like kidnappers because there's no sun and they have disguises.

Overall: I think you do have a good premise. But you need more laughs, more character development for your protagonist, and you have to go all out with the raunch all the way through or take it out in the beginning and make this a romance film with comedic elements. The two genres get way too mixed up and disappear here and there, and it doesn't mesh. I would also work on the ending, it could have more laughs or something drastic, like someone spikes the alcoholic punch with ecstasy and it turns into an orgy or something and everyone gets arrested and its total chaos at the police station. And there, when Mary and Chris are locked up, they can admit they like each other. It would be hilarious juxtaposition, since they are in a drunk tank surrounded by dominatrix looking women are womanizers in coats. Then they can dance together, without a care in the world. (or for more realism, the male and female cells would be next to each separate, and they can divulge their feelings through the two sets of metal gates, very dramatically)

A lot more work and this could be a very funny and heart warming comedy.
 
0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

If you're writing a D-Bag redemption story, read this script to see how it's done.

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
December 17, 2011
First of all, I should take off one star for having your characters eat at an Applebee's in the middle of Manhattan. That's like promising a woman a sophisticated brunch in Toronto and taking her to a Tim Hortons. I could understand if you wanted to show that Jerry isn't as sophisticated as he thinks he is. Otherwise, I'd like to see Chris insisting on Applebee's to show his lack of sophistication.

I decided to maintain the five star ratings because this review is being posted late in your process. But, I do think the first ten pages still need work (Yes, I did read the rest of the script). Get Chris to New York faster. Also, it's not really necessary for Chris and Arwen to be together for a month. Give them one hot night and BAM! If you want to show the relationship lasting longer, maybe you could have a series of shots of Arwen looking hot in various types of underwear or skinny dipping or covering herself with organic chocolate... Actually, I'm not sure that would improve the script but consider it. Please?

Another point is the Rose trigger. There seems to be a large gap between the times she's mentioned. I'd like to see Jerry bring her up a little more often so when he deploys it packs a greater punch.

One last idea. I know this is the middle of Manhattan but give the magazine and the club it's own building. In fact, you could have the apartment in the magazine's building. It's probably not realistic but in a comedy like this you could get away with it.
 

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