Overall Recommendation:
2.8 stars
(6)
5 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
4 Stars:
33.33%
(2)
 
3 Stars:
33.33%
(2)
 
2 Stars:
16.67%
(1)
 
1 Stars:
16.67%
(1)
 
Premise:
3.0 stars
(6)
 
Story structure:
2.8 stars
(6)
 
Character:
2.5 stars
(6)
 
Dialogue:
3.0 stars
(6)
 
Emotion:
2.2 stars
(6)
 
 
1-6 of 6 reviews
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2 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Hippie Kidnaps the Nazi Sex Orgy and Forces Them To Listen To His Music Until the Ghost Demons Show Up

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
July 08, 2011
I would suggest humor with this. Nazi sex orgy should be funny. Hippie kidnapping sex addicts to listen to his music should be funny. Where's the humor? This is played completely straight.

I like your first act in and of itself. If this was a story about Willie, and his wife, and his daughter, and his music, that first act might work. But this is not how you open a horror movie. And that first act is like a chick flick drama, not a horror movie. You have a really bad tonal issue right now. Once we are in the woods it is a radically different movie from what we had before. And it's too radical a break, you're losing your audience. Right now it feels like a Crazy Heart 1st act grafted onto an Eli Roth horror story. That transition is not working at all, at least for me.

Look at all the characters that disappear. The wife disappears. The daughter disappears. Are these characters relevant to our horror story? Why are you introducing them to us? Either work them into the 2nd or 3rd act or drop them (or minimize their relevance in the first act).

All the sex orgy characters (Hot Lips and Sweet Pea and John) are not introduced to us until the 2nd act. But these are main characters. We should meet up with them earlier. Maybe we should see them in the real world? That would ground them and keep them real for us. Right now I have trouble distinguishing Sweet Pea from Hot Lips. And John is not in focus, either. I feel like you need to give all these characters the care and attention you are giving to Willie.

Willie is such a passive protagonist you might consider dropping him as your hero altogether. And renaming your movie so that it sounds like a horror movie! You might want to think hard about a multi-character approach. Give us a bit of Willie, a bit of John, a bit of Hot Lips, a bit of Sweet Pea. Set all this up. Intercut between the storylines.

In parts I got a Tarantino vibe from this. I don't know if it's intentional, but you might want to study his work for ideas on structure and character. I based one of my screenplays off Hitchcock and it's been my most successful work. So think about Tarantino as you rework this. Intercut some humor with the horror. Make us laugh. Go with mutliple protagonists instead of one. You might even consider fracturing your storyline, and jumping around in time. Good luck.
 
4 out of 10 people found the following review helpful:

mixed messages

Overall Recommendation:
2 stars
 
Premise:
2 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
June 16, 2011
I just read the first 10 pages and skimmed the rest.

My biggest issue is that this seems like several disparate stories/genres unevenly stitched together. It starts out like a straight drama about an aging custodian who was once a rocker, then it's about kinky sex in the woods, and then around page 27 it gets supernatural. I think if it's going to be supernatural you need to set this up in the first 10. Also, horror is supposed to be scary, and that needs to start early too.

I want to have a feel for what a movie is "about" by page 10, and here I don't. OK, Willie wants to get back into music. But it doesn't seem like a big deal to him, and it doesn't seem like a realistic goal at this stage in his life. I want him to have a bigger and more urgent "want." If it's not important to him, it's not important to me.

I feel bad that he lost his job, but isn't he old enough to have social security? After 40 years working for a government entity (school) doesn't he have a pension? Didn't he belong to a union? :) Also, the fact that he lost his job just seems incidental to the rest of the plot, as far as I can tell at this point.

In terms of marketability, a horror movie with a 60-something lead is a hard sell. Teens are the main market for horror, and I don't see anything here to attract them. Also, so far it's not an interesting enough part to attract a name 60-something actor. I mean, why would Harrison Ford want this part?

And there's already been a recent movie about an aging musician: Crazy Heart. Didn't make any money but won some awards. It has to be that good a script to sell that kind of story.

Willie is sympathetic but nothing about this story grabs me in the first 10 pages. In fact, Gretchen was such a turnoff that I didn't want to spend any more time "in her company."

There needs to be something in that 10 pages that makes me want to stick around and see how it turns out. Finding out whether Willie gets another janitor job isn't enough. NOTHING at this point tells us there is supernatural horror to follow.

Some specifics:

Numerous errors in punctuation, grammar, missing words, etc. are distracting.

Pg. 4: transition from past to present is very confusing. Audience may not understand this is the same character. Nothing tells us what happened in between. And it's not engaging enough that a reader is going to stick around to find out what happened.

Pg. 8: The pat the dog moment is very blatant. You don't need a LITERAL dog -- you've already shown he's a nice guy.

Pg. 10: If Gretchen is on disability, why would it "run out"?
 
5 out of 7 people found the following review helpful:

Needs to be faster

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
First of all, you are just amazing when it comes to the descriptions and writing skills. I learnt a lot from reading this script.

The genre of the script isn't one of my favs. However, I'm gonna tell you my thoughts anyway.

- The progress of the events is kinda slow. But this might be only me as I prefer the fast pace.

- You stated that it's a sci-fi, and indeed, it's a sci-fi, but you left us waiting for too long before the first scene of any fantasy events appear in the movie.

- The characters are very well portrayed. I loved Willie and his handicapped wife. You portrayed the swingers very well as well.
But, (Spoiler) Willie tied them up just to hear him playing? It's a good part, but I believe that you should introduce willie more as an eccentric person.
I understand that he is desperate, but is desperation enough to make someone clean and tie four people to force them to listen to his music? In the earlier scenes, show us that Willie's failure made him lose some of his mental balance, because the scene at school showed us that he's a very decent man.

- I'm totally against the mature contents, especially the sexual, but this is only me.

- There are some minor mistakes in format. I recommend you give it a fast read and fix them. If you want, I can make a list.

- I loved the ending very much. The scene of Jennifer, Lilli and the Dryds was very well portrayed. Overall, this can make a very good low budget movie.

Good luck with it :)
 
1 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Willie is Wacky

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
June 13, 2011
Overall I liked the movie. You do a very good job of show rather than tell. It was well written and interesting. I thank you for the knowledge because I added a new word to my vocabulary... "dryad".

Here are some suggestions I feel that will make your movie a better told story... but please take them with a grain of salt:

Willie is too passive when he loses his job at the school. Suggestion: Maybe he was flirting with the fact of going back into music because something was missing, then losing his job was the kick in the butt to go back and perform?

Maybe try to keep things in the present tense. It didn’t distract me as a reader but for some reason it’s a no no in the screenwriting books I’ve read… i.e. pg 8 “Willie smiles, the dog's tail starts wagging.” Should be “The dog’s tail wags.” Or “Willie throws the waiting dog another piece.” Maybe try “Willie throws the anxious dog another piece.”

The conversation on page 9 is a bit awkward. Maybe as Willie pulls out another piece of food the note Melissa gave him earlier slips out into the wind to Willie’s grimace?

Page 11 Willie says “I’m proud of Sarah. I’m sorry you.” I believe you meant to put dashes to signify an interruption in dialogue. “I’m sorry you--“. I noticed this in later scenes in the script as well. The dashes would eliminate the need of parantheticals.

Page 11 spelling correction. Willie: “Will you ever forgave me?”

I like how Gretchen and Willie converse with each other, Gretchen being the bitter person she is now and Willie being the more passive one. Their personalities are mirror opposites of Willie’s earlier day. Gretchen, loving and supportive as a young person, now bitter and quick to ridicule Willie in her later years.

On page 12 you wrote Sondra’s music is very bad. I believe that was written to appeal to the reader’s sense of humor but I think it’s unnecessary. The way you wrote it was strong enough. The last sentence made it sound a bit redundant.

On page 17 when you first introduce Mercury, His name should be in CAPS.

On page 32 you wrote, “Willie doesn't notice her open eye watches him.”

You do have very minor spelling errors but nowhere near enough to distract from the story. Just be aware that they are there.

In your first Act, Willie seems to be an up and rising rock star. All seems well. We fast forward to Willie in his 60's. He's piss poor married to a woman who doesn't respect him. What happened? Where did his life go? Did I miss something? He was drunk driving and crashed causing Gretchen to be paralysed and ending his career? I don't really buy that.

It seems as though Willie is starved for an audience and ends up doing something really crazy to get it. Maybe earlier in the movie you can show how he's a bit dimwitted. Maybe he's done something in the past to get what he wanted? Maybe what he did was the cause of Gretchens handicap or maybe the cause of his losing his music career?

What he did in the cabin seems too outlandish. Almost to the point where he isn't a very likeable character.

I do, however, like the mix of people you got into this group in the cabin. That was a pretty wild scene.

Mercury played a very interesting role in that I didn't know if I should like him or hate him until the end.

Maybe you should conceal the fact of Willie's innocence. Hold out that fact and maybe leave some clues of these wood nymphs throughout the story. In the meantime, play a who done it scenario between Mercury and Willie. The way it reads now, these dryads sort of come out of nowhere and cause havoc. I think we need more than just the news bulletins to inform us that there is something amiss.

Maybe another angle is drop the whole audience/music thing. Maybe Willie is a tree hugger of sorts and indirectly helps the dryads. He's at wits end with deforestation or something and does this whole kidnap situation. That's how he encounters the dryads.

I do like your ideas. I do like your writing. I do like your dialogue. The story needs some tweaking. The way it stands now, Willie is just too passive and the dryads sort of come out of left field.

Thanks for the read and good luck in your works.
 
1 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Very well done

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
June 06, 2011
After reading this script I was very impressed at both the Story, Concepts, Dialogue, and more presented by The author. Through this we see an incredible understanding of the "Show me, Don't tell me" mentality that every screenwriter should have a firm grasp of before putting pen to paper. Many of the concepts and ideas in this story I liked so well, but I woul dnot place any of them in the review as it would just be a series of spoiler alerts. Masterfully written. Thank you for this experience. After reviewing his work he also offered numerous points to help my own screenplays he was reviewing. Again thank you all around.
 
3 out of 7 people found the following review helpful:

Captive audience

Overall Recommendation:
1 stars
 
Premise:
1 stars
 
Story structure:
1 stars
 
Character:
1 stars
 
Dialogue:
1 stars
 
Emotion:
1 stars
 
June 03, 2011
This story began like a cautionary tale of rock and roll stardom and how quickly it can all vanish. What happens to the main character Willie is very sad. In the beginning I felt quite a bit of empathy for him. And then what was like a depressing episode of the Eastenders took a garish turn for the worse. Suddenly Willie was in the country with a group of hillbillies that took a group of woman hostage. I couldn't tell if Willie was in on the depravity or just desperate for someone to take him and his music seriously. As the story progressed it became even more of a lurid, psychos on the hunt for women opus. At about the two thirds mark the women turned the table on the hillbillies revealing themselves to be savage wood nymphs. How Willie made the journey from has been rock star to guardian of the wood nymphs could have been playful fun. The underlying issue is this screenplay is like a drunk who believes he is the life of the party. He has a lot to say but doesn't know how to express himself and in the end is just embarassing.
 

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