Overall Recommendation:
4.0 stars
(3)
5 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
4 Stars:
100.0%
(3)
 
3 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
4.5 stars
(2)
 
Story structure:
4.3 stars
(3)
 
Character:
4.7 stars
(3)
 
Dialogue:
4.7 stars
(3)
 
Emotion:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
 
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0 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

good

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
June 05, 2015
Good story ! I haven't read a story like this one! The characters are well developed !
 
3 out of 4 people found the following review helpful:

make it great

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
No rating
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
No rating
 
July 14, 2011
I'm on a mission to help you make this script the best it can be. From previous encounters on Amazon Studios, I know we have different tastes in story. So, you can take or leave any suggestions I offer.

As I mentioned, the story really interests me. I'm excited to learn what "supernatural beings lurk in the woods." And, I get a sense from the synopsis that these beings will somehow be (or help find) an audience for Willie. Let's find out...

Like I said, the story interests me. But, the synopsis bored and almost drove me from reading the story. Really focus on summarizing the story and leave out mundane details. The bare information to know is 1) Willie was becoming a major rock star, 2) an inciting incident stops him cold, 3) it takes 40 years to recover, 4) he's once again on the road to greatness, 5) supernatural beings will either help or hinder the final outcome.

Nice opening image. It really sets the viewer up to expect some type of supernatural thriller.

A suggestion for the scene when Gretchen reveals she's pregant: give it a slower pace.
Gretchen: I'm 3 months.
Willie wants to gasp, not fully understanding what Gretchen's saying, but pierces lips tighter to keep smoke from escaping.
A cough opens an opportunity for Willie.
Willie: What?
Gretchen: You're going to be a daddy.

I like the subtext of Willie's action, "exhales...blowing the smoke away from Gretchen." Excellent!

On page 14-15, when Gretchen accuses, "They laughed at you." Maybe show Willie has some pride as he tells a half-truth, "They didn't laugh." Gretchen would show some disbelief/ visualize a "tell the truth" prompt. then, continue with "Willie: They ignored me."

I'm digging your choice of story structure. I am engaged with suspense as I must advance through the story in order to learn what happened in the "missing" 40 years. You also did a fantastic job of exposing how the characters changed in those 40 years. And, I like the subtle way you exposed that 40 years has passed.

I read your creative note that sex scenes were left to the imagination in this draft. I haven't read previous drafts. That's left about 10 pages of boring on the page - very little exposition that moves the story forward. again, I appreciate how you revealed Willie's true purpose of renting out the cabin; that's really the only plot point that's needed. Now, immediately get back to (what I presume) is the story's main tension - the supernatural beings in the woods. The other option is to go all-out for an NC-17 rating. I don't recommend that, though. Also, you still haven't earned a pg-13 rating - swinger's resort, even left to imagination, is R, adult-only content.

overall, I don't see a commercial, theater-level quality to your story. I think it could work as an on-demand, streaming video. Even then, I lost interest around 40 minutes. It still had plenty of tension; it was, simply, muddled. When a screenplay is muddled in the middle, that's an indicator the story has been unnecessarily padded to reach the 90-minute standard.

Your next rewrite is to truly tell the story in as concise manner as possible, without any wasted space. Then, you'll have a true indicator of story length needed to tell this particular story - be it epic, feature-length, or short film.

I'd like to see more subtext when Murph, Stevens, and Harold introduce themselves to Willie. Right now, it's too on-the-nose. I was also thinking about an angle to turn this into feature-length after the muddle is removed. Maybe Jennifer, Murph, Stevens, et. al. originally kidnapped Greg Maturin. Then, someone (Mercury, possibly) doubled-crossed before the "bad guys" could receive a handsome pay-off. This would give external motives to Jennifer, et.al.

At the moment, Jennifer being part of "law enforcement" (I know, she's not an official enforcer of the law, but that's the role she's assigned) doesn't ring true as I feel she wouldn't be able (or wiling) to participate in the sex games in this capacity. Or, you could add hints during the sex games that Sweetpea isn't who she pretends to be. For example, she's conflicted, not aroused, mechanical.

Act 3 is definitely in a whole different exposition as we're used to reading from you. It got very on-the-nose and repetitive. Rewrite this whole act to give it the subtle exposition you mastered in act 1. It almost feels like someone else wrote this particular section; meaning, it's not in your voice.

unfortunately, (I believe because of the dissimilar voicing), the ending disappoints. You give the expected ending two paragraphs. This should really play out longer. I also think it needs more explanation. Why are we back to Willie at age 16?

Plus, the whole FBI, SWAT, ATF intervention with a hail of gunfire is unmotivated. I'd rather see some supernatural way of resolving a supernatural conflict. I don't know what else to say about that except let your creative talents come up with something else.

some nitpicking/editing:
- using a name like "Mercury" is androgynous. At first glance, I thought it was female. Later exposition suggests it's male.
- I'd like to see more character description when Mercury is introduced.
- "Mercury points back down the path were..." should be "...down the path where..."
- "Will Sr...holds up three fingers..." This detail seems important, but I don't understand its meaning.
- "Woman in white: Play your guitar little one. Big the best you can be." should be "Be the best you can be."
- "dust motes fly in the early morning light." should be "dust mites..." I think.
- on page 7, "Gretchen: There you [go] again."
- "principle" is a law or rule; "Principal" is the head of a school.
- on page 11, "Willie: Will you ever forgave me?" should be "forgive"
 
2 out of 6 people found the following review helpful:

Willie Would Be Worth Seeing

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
July 08, 2011
I don't give five star reviews, so when I give a four star that means I think Willie is already very close to being ready for filming. It's evident you have put a lot of time into this script. The sixth version shows improvement in story flow. I like that you now open it with Willie Sr. Add's an extra feel of mystery in my opinion. I still think you would be better off dropping the rock concert scene altogether. It really does nothing to advance the story that you don't already have latter on with discussions between Gretchen and Willie.

You have a number of conventional horror sub themes, the hateful wife, the spoiled daughter. But it works because you break away with less familiar territory by the end. I like how it ends for Willie. The end of Steve is well done.

Willie's character is well done and there are some nice unexpected twists from him when he gets up to the cabin. You've done your work making the major characters into believable people.

And hey, you made it through the whole story without a cat jumping out of the shadows. Awesome.

I think Willie is the kind of horror story that could find a wider audience than the usual, unstoppable, totally evil villain, everyone dies fare, that most horror movie do today.

Your script could be made a little stronger by condensing some of the minor characters, and make dropping a few scenes. (But then I'm also known for throwing in everything but the bathroom sink. So who am I to talk?)

Those you keep saying there are no good scripts on AS should read Willie.

This is a strong script that I hope Amazon will take a serious look at.
 

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