Overall Recommendation:
4.0 stars
(2)
5 Stars:
50.0%
(1)
 
4 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
3 Stars:
50.0%
(1)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
5.0 stars
(2)
 
Story structure:
3.5 stars
(2)
 
Character:
3.5 stars
(2)
 
Dialogue:
3.5 stars
(2)
 
Emotion:
3.5 stars
(2)
 
 
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5 out of 6 people found the following review helpful:

Good tight draft.

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
July 09, 2011
Vernon's 2nd draft.

Notes::

Good idea to get rid of the wolf. Africa didn't have large wolves, just coyote sized dog like animals that wouldn't be very scary.

I like that this draft uses as much as the original script as possible, but still gets the new story across where some god-given birthright marks Titus for great things.

Compared to the original I see a great effort to avoid passive voice. Here is a case where passive voice sneaked in.

Page 3
"The growling stops. All is quiet."

The script does read better although it is almost the same paragraph for paragraph, meaning wise. The read-ability improvement is probably simply due to the elimination of passive voice and continuous tense.

Lucius on page 11, reveals the nature of the birthmark on Titus's arm above the tattoo of battles. This reveal might work better if delayed a bit.

On page 17 the party girls pull flower petals out of their pockets. Clad in G strings? Where are the pockets? Maybe they should get the flower petals from tucked into their G strings or something.

On page 18 we see another reveal of Titus's birthmark. This would work as the first, or maybe the first one should be just a hint.

Around page 40 we see Zombies change in seconds. This probably violates the normal genre where hours or days pass before the change occurs.

Good that the Zombie animals were eliminated. That seemed a little too complicated and was left up in the air in the original.

On page 49 we see the set up for, "the Gods will show us the chosen one." Maybe this short set up will work but it would be easy to miss it.

Page 58 we see barrels of oil explode after ignition by a torch. This seems a little unreal. I don't think barrels of oil would explode like that and probably would even be difficult to light afire.

I like the new ending and the new roles of the protagonist and the love interest. This could probably be developed some to give it more emotional power. After building up to it all through the story, it needs a little more than a few seconds of screen time.

Overall, a great read. I think it is improved with a minimum of changes.
 
7 out of 17 people found the following review helpful:

small change

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
July 03, 2011
Changes are minimal and fail to address AS's story notes. Changing the wolf to a wild man is only cosmetic and doesn't deal with the underlying weaknesses.

For a detailed review of this version, which is ca. 97% identical to the original version, please see my review of the original version.
 

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