Overall Recommendation:
3.5 stars
(2)
5 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
4 Stars:
50.0%
(1)
 
3 Stars:
50.0%
(1)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
5.0 stars
(1)
 
Story structure:
2.0 stars
(1)
 
Character:
2.0 stars
(1)
 
Dialogue:
2.0 stars
(1)
 
Emotion:
2.0 stars
(1)
 
 
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2 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Several improvements to original

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
No rating
 
Story structure:
No rating
 
Character:
No rating
 
Dialogue:
No rating
 
Emotion:
No rating
 
September 13, 2011
I read about 33 pages. This borrows heavily from the original, while adding its own flair and a new villian.

Pg#16
“CASSIUS
You see, the beast is more afraid of us than we”
This can’t be Cassius, he is at the Hospital by now. I think you mean Arrius.
Pg#19
“EXT. barricaded sewer entrance - nIGHT
Bindu looks around carefully.
He sets down an unlit torch and a large satchel beside him.”

Why is Bindu allowed to run free? Needs some setup that he has some freedom of movement. He is a slave.

Pg#25
Very nifty scene with Cassius sitting up behind Drusis. I like the way Drusis is handled in this rewrite. I like that the change to a zombie is slow in this version.

Lots of improvements to areas that troubled me in the original, such as Lavinia leaping into the Imperial Box when there is a high wall in front of it. That is handled nicely in this version.

I agree with Laurie that Titus is not greatly changed, but his back story has been moved up sooner in the script. The problem with that is that for a man who is as quiet and private as he seems to be, he kind of blurts it out, so I’m not sure that it can be considered an improvement.

I think that the Bokor is a good villian, the chanting, and spells in the candle light sound erie.

Overall, I find this rewrite an improvement over the original. Worth a full read if you have the time, but I am only doing partial reads. Good luck with it.
 
6 out of 11 people found the following review helpful:

two out of three

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
July 11, 2011
This addresses the AS notes about the supernatural origin of the zombies, and adds a new villain, but doesn't do a lot to develop the character of Titus.

Much of the dialogue is new. In some places it seems stilted ("My curiosity is most delighted") and in other places anachronistic ("oops," "I guess," "brighten up," "yay.") The script seems excessively chatty in parts, especially pages 107-109.

The supernatural elements are well-developed, but the antidote seems redundant (except as a plot device) once the Bokor is dead. The Bokor is OK as a villain, but he doesn't really oppose Titus -- he opposes Rome.

Early on, do Bindu's eyes literally grow to the size of saucers? This seems cartoonish and unlikely.... Also, it wasn't clear to me how the Bokor got away initially on page 4. The script just says that he's free; wasn't he chained with the others? Wasn't anyone watching?

Putting Titus's backstory in the first act makes sense, but the way it was presented seems artificial and heavy-handed. I'm not sure how much he trusts Lavinia at this point and would open up to her.

It's not plausible that Lavinia wouldn't know what a Ludus was. And why use the Latin term in any case?

Titus seems to spend a lot of time off-stage, especially in the first act. It would be stronger to keep the focus on him.

Drusis has more of a personality now and provides a bit of comic relief. I think this could be developed even further, making him a "Bones" to Titus's "Kirk." Many of the other characters remain thin and could use more development.

I really liked the last image with the soldiers coming out of the sea, but I think this was weakened by Drusis's suggesting it on page 108. (The reader/audience may not remember what soldiers he's talking about there.) Also, the scene right before that seemed to set up the team for a sequel.
 

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