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Premise:
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Story structure:
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Dialogue:
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7 out of 12 people found the following review helpful:

a livelier Titus

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
July 13, 2011
This version includes a supernatural origin for zombies and a livelier Titus, but no new villain.

Only a little of the structure has been changed, to incorporate the new Egyptian elements. I liked the new opening and the air of mystery, and the origin story works. However, I don't think it paid off as strongly as it could. Among other things, is this the same jackal? And has this jackal just been waiting around to bite someone the last 500 years? Maybe specify that it was found alive in a sealed tomb, waiting loyally by its master? But then, what happened to the Pharoah? And how did the tomb get sealed? And didn't the Romans who found it think it was a little weird to find a live jackal there? A few more dots to connect here....

Some dialogue changes are entertaining (like Marcus's "bleed" line on page 9), and overall the lines now have more energy, but many lines seem anachronistic, e.g.,

-- Having Titus call someone "kid" rather than "boy."

-- "Here goes nothing"

-- "a killing in pest control"

I thought more could be done with the mask, but Flavius vetoed that idea too easily and flushed away what could have been a fun sub-plot.

The solution to the zombie problem seemed too sudden and easy --- cure one, cure all. This leaves Titus with nothing to do but hang out from page 103-109 and keeps him away from the climax.

Titus was a bit more fun here, but there's still very little emotion in the script -- it's all a romp, and even though Titus loses colleagues, he never seems to be personally at risk either physically or emotionally, and his relationship with Lavinia seems casual.

This is an improvement over some other revisions, but still needs work to fulfill the story's potential.
 

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