Overall Recommendation:
4.0 stars
(1)
5 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
4 Stars:
100.0%
(1)
 
3 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
5.0 stars
(1)
 
Story structure:
4.0 stars
(1)
 
Character:
4.0 stars
(1)
 
Dialogue:
4.0 stars
(1)
 
Emotion:
4.0 stars
(1)
 
 
1-1 of 1 review
Sort: Newest | Most helpful
1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Revision on Right Track ...

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
August 02, 2011
Nice work, Jamster. Yes, your version is tighter. My original idea of using baseball flashbacks during the train trip -- to ground the viewer in the context of baseball 100 years ago -- may have run long. Baseball anecdotes are s-o-o-o addictive!

Of course, once Big Ed is bounced from the train ... is where I've taken an Oliver Stone-ian approach, boned up on the news articles and embellished as needed, plot-wise.

It's the train trip I believe where we'll keep or lose the viewer. It's vital to compare/contrast how the "lawlessness" of 1900s baseball factored into transforming Big Ed.

Our versions agree that the train trip is an effective vehicle to present the baseball events. The concern I have is if the baseball flashbacks are confusing the viewer or helping them? How to make the baseball flashbacks more seamless with the train trip, if possible? Your personalizing the events to Big Ed is a plus. Can we run with this ball further?

While I was trying to immerse the viewer in the baseball, you've sped up the story -- not a bad thing -- but I wonder if we've left the viewer alongside the tracks ... trying to piece it together?

Case in point ... in your version you eliminated the first flashback of Big Ed wishing he could chop up a long hit into singles. You began instead with the next flashback scene of Schmidt striking him out and claiming he (Schmidt) is the greatest pitcher. Does this lose something because we don't see Big Ed as the powerful batter first? (Video for video. Tête à tête.)

Or the next flashback where you deleted the scene of the fielder putting on green glasses to make the catch and Big Ed complaining that he's cheating, "... the next thing you know everybody will be wearing green glasses." I think this is key dialogue to point out how players bended the rules back then ... and of course a humorous comment ignorant of how the sport will eventually evolve.

We obviously need to make sure these flashbacks are all poignant, plot-driven moments that define baseball circa 1900, shed new light on Big Ed's character and advance the story. The first two we seem to be nailing -- it's the third that may need more work.

Maybe we need to tie the flashbacks to the present-day situation aboard the train better? Via Big Ed's dialogue? ... actions? ... narration perhaps?

Idea! I was just looking at the scene where Big Ed shatters the door on the train. This scene is immediately followed in my version by the outfielder with the green glasses catching Big Ed's fly ball. We could have the glass shattering aboard the train and then a cross-fade to a close-up of the green glasses. Bingo -- we're in Baseball Land. Maybe it's this surrealistic approach -- symbolic seques of identical or near-identical elements -- that will better marry our viewer to Big Ed's predicament and baseball's bygone days.

This approach works well in keeping with the story -- one that's psychologically driven during the train trip, including exposing Big Ed's suicidal tendencies.

Thinking aloud ... and thanks, Jamster, for your valuable input. Revisions are the necessary evil, aren't they? Because the story rules! ;O)

... Dave
 

Reviews for