Overall Recommendation:
3.5 stars
(2)
5 Stars:
50.0%
(1)
 
4 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
3 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
2 Stars:
50.0%
(1)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
5.0 stars
(2)
 
Story structure:
3.0 stars
(2)
 
Character:
3.0 stars
(2)
 
Dialogue:
3.0 stars
(2)
 
Emotion:
3.0 stars
(2)
 
 
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7 out of 12 people found the following review helpful:

Percy Jackson v. Zombies

Overall Recommendation:
2 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
July 27, 2011
This felt like a "Percy Jackson" version of the story, especially with the anachronistic dialogue from the gods.

That tone COULD work with this story, but I don’t feel it’s working in this draft, which is an uneven blend of old and new. If you’re going to go with jokey/campy, you need to maintain that tone throughout. This version tries to be funny, but other than the one-beat joke of Romans sounding like they just got back from The Galleria, it mostly isn't.

Per the AS notes, this version does provide a supernatural origin for the zombies and develops the villain's plot, but it doesn't do much for the character of Titus. Titus now has his own supernatural origin, but that doesn't really make him more interesting as a person. For example, we know he wants to be free, but that's no change from the original. His "I fight to find out" line on page 15 is cryptic at best. Other than getting hunks of exposition delivered to him by the gods, what does it benefit him to have a god as a father? How does it affect who he IS?

I liked the opening image, but I found Jupiter's speech (and much of the new dialogue) clunky. I also liked the quick segue from the dream to the arena, getting Titus into the story early.

Lavinia isn't any more interesting here than in the other versions. Also, her backstory is muddled. On pg. 9, she's described as Quintus's fiancé. On pg. 22 Titus calls her Quintus's concubine. Later, she says she's the daughter of a prostitute/slave. VERY unlikely that a senator would marry such a woman.

On pg 23, it's not at all clear to me why Caesar is angry and reacts as he does. Seems like a sloppy mash up of old and new versions.

On pg 46, the statues/statutes joke isn’t funny

Jupiter scene on pg 55 was too jokey and seems to derail the plot. I think that putting Titus and Lavinia on a ship and taking them away from Rome and the zombies is a really bad idea.

On pg 71, it’s not clear how Titus made the leap from the map/manifest to figuring out that Quintus was behind the whole zombie thing. And how could Quintus have planned everything from the initial wolf attack onward?

Pgs 77-79 were exposition on a plate.

Pg. 82 – I also don’t buy Titus saying “that sounds lovely.”

Pg 83 – Titus’s back-story is vague and doesn’t make sense. How did he go from being trained by a legion of soldiers to becoming a gladiator slave?

The set pieces with the zombie sea life are kinda cool but pointless, and double the SFX budget for no real purpose. Also, this felt a bit too much like “Clash of the Titans.”

Pg 117 – not clear what time period the Spanish bandits are, or what the point of this tacked-on scene is.

I found many of the new action blocks too dense and hard to read. I think these should be kept to four lines. Also, I found several sections too talky.

As with many other drafts, I found the mix of "period" and modern dialogue off-putting. I think you need to go all the way, one way or the other. To me, mixing it up just sounds awkward.

Some clunky and/or anachronistic lines/phrases:

"tales of your aggression"

"researched the slave boys"

“to appease Rome’s great gladiator” (why does he need appeasing?)

“I am overwhelmed by the amount of grave matters”

“overachiever”

“playfort for the dead”

“pain in the ass”

“I’m rolling on a tantrum”

“open up the family album”

“Hi, Dad”
 
1 out of 6 people found the following review helpful:

For someone not into Zombies- this was a winner for me!

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
July 26, 2011
I have to admit that neither Gladiators nor zombies are my thing, but I really liked that this was a completely new story because of the combination. I actually enjoyed it-- more than I thought I would! I think it will be MUCH better visually, so I look forward to it eventually becoming a movie!
 

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