Overall Recommendation:
4.5 stars
(2)
5 Stars:
50.0%
(1)
 
4 Stars:
50.0%
(1)
 
3 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
5.0 stars
(2)
 
Story structure:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
Character:
4.5 stars
(2)
 
Dialogue:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
Emotion:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
 
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0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Yall's Store

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
July 30, 2011
Rick-



A funny take on the idiocracy in the managment of large discount chains. I worked at a K-mart during high school, so I appreciated the reality behind the humor. I think this is a funny, timely story that needs a little work. There were quite a few typos, but not anything that overwhelmed the writing, but it did slow the read down. I took notes of what I caught...I'm notorious for typos and only catch them, after I have uploaded my work.

Pg 2 In the line where Lettie says she is waiting to get old enough for medicare to kick. You're missing a word.

pg 13* outlined.

pg 18 has a couple of extra spaces between dialogue and I think you meant to write "but they never walk..."

pg23 "like two adults"; Pg 30 think you meant long instead of song; Pg 34 Debbie thanks herself; Pg 59 Frank's line "if I'm telling you the truth."

On to my impressions: I would have liked to have seen you use Karen a little more in the story. I liked that we were left to think she was sleeping with someone in upper-management and think there is a lot of potential for humor, if she's given more of a role, more of a chance to stir the pot.

Don't get me wrong; this is funny material, just a little underdeveloped. I think you could beef it up with Karen, maybe go a little deeper into the feud between CROAK and the Christians. I think that is what would take this from funny to hilarious. The potential is there and this is something a lot of people woud watch, relate to, and get a good laugh along the way.

Overall, I think this is funny and great first draft, just needs a little work.

Good luck!
 
0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Very Funny Look At Corporate World

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
July 29, 2011
 

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