Overall Recommendation:
4.5 stars
(2)
5 Stars:
50.0%
(1)
 
4 Stars:
50.0%
(1)
 
3 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
5.0 stars
(2)
 
Story structure:
4.5 stars
(2)
 
Character:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
Dialogue:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
Emotion:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
 
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1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Fun adventure reminding me of 'The Mummy' and a grown up 'Night at the Museum'

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
December 16, 2011
Richard,

First off I thought this script was great - I loved the opening! It gets me right in there.

Now this could be a good thing, but if it is too much it could go the opposite direction: people may compare this to The Mummy, as it has similarities in the buildup. At the beginning of The Mummy (one of them), they are at a tomb site and the workers are scared to go in, then when they do go in some workers die, and it turns out eventually that the main girl was a girl in love with the Mummy in a past life, or something like that. But your story is different enough to still work, I just wanted to make sure you are aware of the parallels.

I also enjoyed the big action sequence with the skeletons and everything - great action! Again, here people could think this is similar to 'Night at the Museum,' so maybe keep that in mind if you do a re-write and just make sure to not get too close. Obviously your film is a completely different story and tone, so I think you are safe.

This was a great read – though I kinda wanted the bull to win!

(Some page-by-page comments - Pages on RTF):
Page 11 – “I’ll be damn!” should be “I’ll be damned!”
Page 12 – Small thing, but the word “it” appears on a line by itself, which in Hollywood is called ‘widowing’ a word – try to fit the sentence so it either ends on one line, or has more than one word o the next. Again on page 16 with “power.”
Page 15 – Nice, I like the eerie sounds through the empty skulls!
Page 18 – Naomi says ‘dear god!’ which Hackett said twice earlier – maybe have her say a different expression, to show a variety of character? This happens with ‘by the way’ on page 27.
Page 27 – the clouds take on the shape of a horned creature - this is also similar to a scene in ‘The Mummy’ – what about something else like a hill with trees that look like horns or something they see?
Page 34 – I love the exhibits at this museum, nice!
Page 35 – extra space between Naomi and Hackett’s dialogue.
Page 49 – this whole concept of the earth-shaker, bone-wakers, one that can bring people bring from the dead – exciting!
Page 50 – An extra space. Also page 56.
Page 64- Wow! Hackett is becoming a bit more insane!
Page 66 – with the beetles ,reminds me of another scene from ‘The Mummy’ – be careful with these…
Page 68 – with the hanging skeleton and then Leeza – this is getting creepy!
Later pages – How exciting that the ‘grim reaper’ and others come to life and join in the fight! Some aspects like ‘Night at the Museum’ but since it Is not a children’s story, I think it works.
Page 125 – Great action!
Page 132 – I cringe! Nasty!
Page 135 – I am kinda confused – if she wears the signet, won’t that make her sleep like it did the bull? Did I miss something there?
 
1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Unique and original screenplay. Amazon Studios take notice!

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
August 24, 2011
Just from a writing standpoint, this script is so well written that it's almost like reading a novel. The writing is rich and detailed, but still conforms to the screenplay standard. Well done! In these days of remakes, prequels, and sequels, this script was a pleasant surprise. Very original and unique premise. Things move along at a fast pace, and characters are well-defined. Lots of great scenes to be had, with one of my favorites being when Asterius brings the various human, dinosaur, and animal skeletons to life. Great stuff! The final act and SWAT team battle against Asterius' army is very well done. And I actually felt bad for Asterius at the end, which is a testament to the writing.

A few notes/suggestions:

Should the script be changed to present day? Taking place in 1980 would add to the budget, with clothes, cars, etc having to be from that era. And I didn't really notice anything that would have to be changed with it taking place in 2011 as opposed to 1980.

In the first act, this line of dialogue should be "damned":
HACKETT
I'll be damn!

This line of dialogue between the SWAT guys in the 3rd act has an extra word in there:
DONAVAN
This is battle needs to be fought outside.

After the plane ride in the first act, I'd consider trimming the scene with Teddy and Charlie, where Teddy talks about wanting to get Naomi back. Seems a little redundant since it's already made clear earlier that Teddy has feelings for Naomi and wants her back.

There's also a few times in the first act where Naomi states the obvious, so I'd consider removing those bits, just to help the flow.

These are just a few minor things I noticed. I think you've got a terrific script here that I would LOVE to see as a movie. I noticed that your test film has made the semis and finals before, so this is a good sign of how cinematic this is. I really hope Amazon Studios takes notice, because I think you've got something really special here. Good luck and thanks for the fun read!
 

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