Overall Recommendation:
4.3 stars
(3)
5 Stars:
33.33%
(1)
 
4 Stars:
66.67%
(2)
 
3 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
5.0 stars
(3)
 
Story structure:
4.3 stars
(3)
 
Character:
4.3 stars
(3)
 
Dialogue:
4.0 stars
(3)
 
Emotion:
4.0 stars
(3)
 
 
1-3 of 3 reviews
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1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Nice Job!

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
December 05, 2015
This is the first script in Amazon Studios that I've read from beginning to end. That says a lot for how it flows. It kept me wanting to read further to see how it would end. The story is engaging and the characters are fun, especially the protagonist, Gordo, who is definitely a "character" (as I was reading it I kept trying to imagine who'd play him; Jeff Bridges seems like a great fit).

My criticisms are things that can probably be fixed easily. While I liked the ending, in my opinion the "BJ" scene sort of came out of nowhere. It was out of character for what we knew about Mabry. Just sort of, "Well, I'm standing here, so what the heck." I think that his and Coulter's characters should have been set up and fleshed out (so to speak) a little more. Maybe show Mabry hitting on a secretary or uttering sexist remarks to establish him as a cad. And perhaps throwing in something to show him living above his means to help set up the art-theft reveal.

Also, the dialogue is a little inconsistent. A few instances of characters saying things that seemed out of character. For example, Emily's saying, "Grab some shut-eye," which seems out of place for a teenager, or a grandmother's saying, "Fake it until you make it." Overall, though, I think it shows real promise, and I'd look forward to reading future drafts.
 
1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Instant Karma

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
February 21, 2015
Hi Eric,

First of all the writing here is effective. People will pick at the fact there are camera directions in the script but it certainly doesn't take away from it. Going from novels to scripts probably isn't easy as you have to be more restrained but I think you've done well.

PREMISE

Great premise. Love it. Would watch it. I wouldn't change the hook and general storyline at all.

STORY STRUCTURE

The only real gripes I have with the first act in the script is that we don't really have Roberts personality established at all before his transition back to Gordo. We don't see the person he's become, his relationship with Emily and Kate and any others around him so I think that lessens the comedic impact of his reversion from yuppie to hippie. Also, do cops really get called on 15 year old girls if they don't hand over their phones in class? Emily needs to something bigger to get arrested but not so big it lands her in juvenile detention. Something rebellious to reflect her grandfathers genes and maybe something that when "Gordo" finds out about it, he thinks it's really cool and they bond over it.

For the most part the story travels along at a decent pace. For me I wasn't really bored by it and there were a few chuckles amongst the various scenarios and situations that Gordo found himself in and I can definitely see my self enjoying this if I was watching it but for me there weren't many stand out scenes that really grabbed me or stuck out from the others. I think a few more "wow" moments or "wow man" moments is what this script could use.

The LSD blowjob was original and funny but I would make the last confrontation a bit more exciting. Either a chase through the vineyard or a car chase or something like that. I would place both corrupt FBI agents at the scene but definitely have the other show up after the LSD blowjob is given so that he not only has to chase down everyone by himself but contend with his partner in crime who's tripping balls.

The FBI admitting they knew for 20 years that Storm Front and its members were innocent all along was a bit unrealistic for me. I think it needs to be discovered at some point by either Gordo finding the proof somehow or another scenario you can think up.

CHARACTER

Robert is a dead character, we barely meet him or get to know him at all.

Gordo is a really effective character. I did picture Tommy Chong the whole time but he was a standout and being your main character is what you want.

Emily wasn't bad but maybe could use a little boost in the personality department to maybe stand out a little more. We know she's rebellious and doesn't really get along with anyone but apart from being a 15 year old girl, why is that?

Kate was effective as the horrified wife but sometimes a little one dimensional. She could possibly use a little more one on one time with Gordo and trying to connect with him other than the sex they have the first night he's back home.

Mabry and Coulter were pretty generic bad guys for me. They really weren’t around enough to feel anything about them. They weren’t bad, don’t get me wrong, I like the acid trip Mabry went on. Maybe they could pursue Gordo and Emily throughout the movie, more tracing their steps and visiting the places they’ve been. Tracking Emily’s phone off the grid because they have to murder them might be a useful device.

Saffron was good for the amount of screen time she had but Eugene just felt like he was "there", and that's it.

DIALOGUE

Once again here, Gordo is the real standout. The rest of the characters while having a voice certainly didn't match up to his level. Not all of them can or should of course but I think a better balance is needed. The dialogue certainly doesn't stink and read natural for the most part.

EMOTION

This is probably the weakest link in your script. Even though the script read well and was funny in places I didn't find myself really caring enough about the characters and their relationships. I want to care that Emily didn't have a good relationship with "Robert" but that "Gordo" eventually fixes it. I want to care about Gordo finding out that he's been transported to another time and his life is flipped upside down and that he doesn't fit the mold he cast all those years ago. Kate's dilemma of having a husband that was her rock now turned into a hippie basket case didn't have much impact either. Once again though, while this is your weakest link I don't think the emotion in the script is bad, it just could be better.

OVERALL

Good job overall though. Just another amateur opinion here but I think with more focus on the characters and a tiny tweak of the story I think you'll be onto a winner.
 
1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Instant Karma rocks and acid punch

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
February 21, 2015
This very believable storyline hooks the reader from the start.

Gordo Mc Cain is a former hippy who wakes up from a coma to a new life and identity as Robert Hulbut.

Emily Hulbut is the rebellious granddaughter who discovers the true identity of Gordo and helps him connect the dots of his former life.

Kate Hulbut is the wife who struggles with her husband's past and the fact that he does not remember her.

A host of other characters from Gordo's past as a hippy are reincarnated and help Gordo remember what happened before he tragically lost his memory shortly after he became a wanted man on the FBI list for blowing up a building.

When Emily helps Gordo reconnect with his former flame, Saffron, they stumble on a trail of conspiracy and deceit.

I loved the fast read. The characters are solid. The dialogue is tight and never gets boring.

This is a must read. The readers will laugh all the way.

Good luck Eric and great job.
 

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