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3 Stars:
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Premise:
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Story structure:
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Character:
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Good Idea, Needs more Character Development, rethink path to ending

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
November 28, 2011
I'll start by saying that I loved reading this script and that it seemed very interesting. I like the story as it flows to the cryogenic station. I loved the settings.

My main issues start from there on out (sorry!). The ship seems horribly understaffed. What is the motivation for a large ship hired by the winning side to be sent to another planet unescorted with such a small staff? Why is it so old? The only pilot dies. Okay....Why is no one completely freaking out? Where's the scene where they try to contact someone and discover that they are even worse off than they thought? Why do they not turn around, head back towards their original destination and then, as they get closer, land on a planet? Why pick one with a crappy atmosphere?

There's a whole scene where they discuss what might have happened to the pilot, but then we never find out what *actually* happened to the pilot. It might have been more interesting if there had been some history with Sam and she kicked the machine, but it's never discussed again. It needs more drama.

Vance and Garth seem underdeveloped as characters. There is nothing really described about what kind of people they are and how they respond to stress and what made them the way they are. Are they happy or does their life just smell bad? We do know that when they see their pilot dead, they go take a shower. Perhaps the shower should come first, and *then* the discovery of the dead pilot. Or not, because they HATE the pilot, because that makes more sense the way you wrote it. Perhaps there ought to be a scene where we find out what each does in their free time and find out why they are on a morgue ship anyway before they discover the pilot is dead. What pisses them off? Are they good friends? For that matter the pilot should also be more developed so that his death matters more. How about the ship. Is it big? Do they spend much time in different areas? What's it like to live there? We just don't know, and that's one of the reasons people like sci-fi movies.

As for Sam, she's been on the ship alone for over a year. What did she do for months? She needs her own set of scenes because we only know that her dad was interesting and we know nothing about her - is she smart, athletic, driven or devoted, caring, but difficult? Is she complicated? Skilled? What makes her sad? What impresses her? What turns her on? Then there's the blaster issue. We use weapons to maintain control. Why then, let the staff out of her sight? What's the motivation? Why sneak around? Why not see what makes the staff tick? What can she make them do for her? Is there something broken or stuck she can make them fix?

There's a death on the ship, Vance and Garth don't trust her, and yet as soon as the ship starts descending Garth starts flirting with her? It doesn't compute, unless he hates the pilot and his death turned him on to her. The chemistry between Garth and Sam should happen, but it makes sense to happen in some other scene first and definitely after the matter of the pilot's death is settled.

After that, the planet scenes seemed fine to the green orb (p58), and I think the best dramatic scene happens when the ice breaks. I don't think you spend enough time on the Eden area either before or after the zombies. I think the ending breaks down and becomes very predictable after the green orb as messenger of God, at least as far as the zombie scenes go. The Adam/Eve ending is unexpected, though. Perhaps the green orb/red orb characters could be more subtle and complex, with their characters revealed more by their actions rather than just explaining themselves and turning the ship into a zombie kill zone. The red orb has motivations that aren't really explained. The red orb is also important to the character development. Is it supposed to rule over the realm of the dead or is it an evil force? It should get more attention as far as what it's goals are and it's own relationship to the green orb as well as it's impact on Sam considering what happens to her dad...

Overall, I think your story works, and if you spend a bit more time getting into the heads of your characters as to their features, messy flaws, and motivations, you'll come out with a much more compelling story.

Lastly, I thought the settings for the scenes were vivid and well done. I can really visualize where the characters are. Great job on that. Keep writing!
 

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