Overall Recommendation:
2.5 stars
(2)
5 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
4 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
3 Stars:
50.0%
(1)
 
2 Stars:
50.0%
(1)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
5.0 stars
(2)
 
Story structure:
2.0 stars
(2)
 
Character:
2.0 stars
(2)
 
Dialogue:
1.5 stars
(2)
 
Emotion:
1.0 stars
(2)
 
 
1-2 of 2 reviews
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2 out of 4 people found the following review helpful:

Hard on the eyes and not an improvement

Overall Recommendation:
2 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
1 stars
 
Emotion:
1 stars
 
September 04, 2011
I only made it to page 30. The changes in this draft are minimal. The Zombies are now caused by touching a mask, which is far less dramatic than being bitten by a wolf. There’s no sign of a new or different villain or a supernatural explanation. Titus is much the same as always, the only significant difference being that he’s a volunteer gladiator rather than a slave, but this isn’t developed in the first act.

Thus, this draft appears neither to address the AS notes nor otherwise improve on the original.

The VERY long and dense description blocks are over-written and hard to read. Again, keep description blocks to four lines for readability.

Descriptions/actions should always be written in present tense, and some of these are in past tense.

The first page and a half of gladiators playing dice was dull and static and didn’t tell us much about the gladiators other than giving their physical descriptions.

Pg. 4: “housemaids” line doesn’t make any sense.

10-12: Arrias’s speeches are over-long and loaded with dull, trivial detail.

Many writing errors, including using “it’s” (it is) instead of “its” (belonging to it). Format errors in sluglines. The lines look crowded.

The PDF looks like a scan of typewritten pages and is faint and hard on the eyes. The RTF format looks even worse.

Both in form and content, this is a difficult read.
 
0 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

First Five Pages Have Potential, but not quite there.

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
1 stars
 
September 01, 2011
I decided to do a review of the first five pages of all the scripts, and come back to the script and do a full review if the first five pages made me want to read it. I decided to start with the scripts that had not already received some reviews.

I read the original script and the Amazon Studio Story Department notes and am using my personal interpretation of what they intended only.

Pros: Starts with action and with activity that could possibly reveal a lot about the characters to us through subtext.


Cons: Format issues, specifically margins for action. Heavy blocks and lots of overwriting. The dice scene. The men play dice. Don't need everyone picking up the dice, throwing it, etc. Less is more. Grammatical errors its coat is brown, its is possessive not a contraction for it is.


Pros: Titus and the other Gladiators are on page one!

Cons: Don't develop an emotional attachment to Titus. The first scene is a great way to break the ice and tell us a lot about the men. Crop the descriptions to bare minimum and concentrate instead on what characteristics gambling would reveal about the men.
 

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