Overall Recommendation:
3.0 stars
(2)
5 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
4 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
3 Stars:
100.0%
(2)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
4.0 stars
(2)
 
Story structure:
3.5 stars
(2)
 
Character:
3.0 stars
(2)
 
Dialogue:
2.5 stars
(2)
 
Emotion:
3.5 stars
(2)
 
 
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2 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Vast improvement on the original, needs more restructuring

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
August 29, 2011
The obvious:

The formatting is proper, the descriptions vivid.

Pros:

I like the husband and wife dynamic between Flavius and Lavinia. The fact that they are both villains in their own way and antagonists.

A lot of juicy lines such as the Bokor's explanation about wanting to visit Rome.

Flavius as the zombie in control. I like his bleeding of the guard, his pet dwarf, his reattaching his hand. All very nice touches.

Cons:

Blending of mythologies. Personally, I don't care for it. It was in the original, it's in a lot of subsequent drafts, but I think that roman mythology has such depth that it's a mistake. Or maybe the fact that you miss-mash cultures is a nice reflection of this gladiator/zombie genre hybrid.

Titus' backstory is poorly revealed in a simple asked and answered format. It's also inconsequential to who he is as a character.

Lavinia. While I have praise for her, the rape scene is a big gamble. I also thought it was unnecessary and coincidental to have her need to pick up a will from the senate. Moreover, see my comments on Act III.

Salt & a weak riddle. It's been alluded to before in the comments. Not a terrible solution, but it may be too arbitrary. You do make mostly good use of it later though.

The baby emperor. He's a major part of Act I, appears again in Act II, but plays no significant role in Act III. Although a symbol of the Flavius/Lavinia and Lavinia/Titus relationships, he seemed superfluous.

Act III. I think things really start to come apart when Titus and Daria show up in camp on page 89. All of a sudden, you're villain becomes very very accommodating: allowing them to test their cure, not burn the city down, not forget the face of a dead gladiator. All of a sudden her only concern is covering up her crime when she's in the clear.

Speaking of in the clear, I figured Titus was as well-- happily married, freed, bag full of gold. I think you explain his motivation in one line I'll surmise: I'll fight for these people because they cheered for me in the arena. I don't buy that as motivation! Maybe make reference to saving Herrman because that's shockingly weak!

I also didn't care for the Zombie Herrman-Titus fight where they make a wager with Flavius. What does he care if Titus serves him for? Very little of that scene made much sense to me.

Overall, probably the best script I've really read so far. But I think it could use considerable revising.

Best,
Chris
 
4 out of 6 people found the following review helpful:

Lavinia rapes Titus? Really Lauri?

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
August 29, 2011
Okay I am going to trash your script but before I do let me say this is the best ZVG script I have read so far. Now I’ve only read a dozen of them and I used your notes to avoid some of the ones you said were the worst. So if your notes are accurate than you may have the best ZVG script so far.

Your writing is clean and fluid. It is easy to read your script. You do not have all the errors you will find in most. Good formatting.

Of course I am sure you know all of this. Now let the trashing begin.

Lavinia rapes Titus! Really Lauri? What man would have to be tied down. Is Titus a Gladiator or Gay Waiter? Yes there are some men that would say no to that but not the majority of them not even close especially with an attractive woman. And to open her legs and then he is still saying no. It is not reality to most of the male population and it makes our hero feel so wrong. And it happens so soon. It is a hard thing for your script to overcome. It would be better if she seduced him so much that he finally gave in and then had remorse latter. Or he got drunk and didn't realize it was her or it was an orgy and he didn't realize who he was fucking. At least that is believable and makes him feel human. Even in the way he says no he is acting like a whimp about it. Titus is your hero make him act like one.

Yes it one scene but it is the scene your story is built upon. Beyond the whimpy attitude of your hero the scene is a poor way to do exposition. There has got a be a better way to tell the audience Titus story without Lavinia acting like THE CLOSER.

Titus is to passive the first half and really most of the script and then when you make him active a little bit you throw him in a cell. Even when he saves the Amazon girl he turns to whimpy and starts crying. There’s nothing wrong with a man crying. But you cry for your children your mother and your beloved wife. Not for a lady he hardly knows who has tried to kill him. Yeah I get what you are trying to do. It doesn’t work. You either have to give him a different cure or different way to discover it or make a lot more back story why he really is deeply in love for this amazon freakazoid lady who kills for a living.

Which brings me to salt. Really? Salt as the cure. You mean all this time they just needed to serve the zombies some mcdonalds fries and they would be cured? Or just get the Morton girl to come in and sprinkle them with salt and make the zombies turn good. I got to give you credit for trying but salt is a little weak. And the riddle is also weak.

The Bokor -- I like the bokor… He is very interesting you build him up well and then NOTHING. BLAH!. Throw him out if that is all you intend to use him for. Show him doing something. Look at someone to become a nuisance or a better aid to Titus. I root you keep the bokor but not the way he is.

A baby really? 9 months and they introduce the baby. What did she do pop out the baby right there in the imperial box. Or maybe that is why they call it the imperial box. And then Daddy can look across the arena and see that the baby is Titus’s. Really, a one day old baby and the father is convinced it is Titus’s and wants to kill him. Flavius alias Sherlock holmes is brilliant. Now just make his partner Watson. And running around with a baby just seemed weird. Make the baby mystical or possessed or talking at two days. Seriously what if you started the movie with the kid being like 5 and then showed a flashback of the rape (I hate the rape) then the kid can have some character. I don’t know but the baby’s moments are almost irrelevant. In fact it would be easy to write the baby out and change the story very little. And again you make Titus weak and passive about his own child. He says “No I don’t want him. He is better off without me.” And then they give him to him and he is overjoyed. What a stupid whimpy dad! He needs to Fight for his kid or rename him WHIMPASS

Lavinia becomes a rapist whore!!! WOW! Okay that’s different. But now Lavinia is the main villain and she is clearly more villainous than she is in the original but the villain is not much stronger than the villain in the first. It is basically just transfereed over to Lavinia. So the villain is just really a little more interesting but not so much more evil.

Okay what I like about your story. The salt is better than some impossible scientific cure that is totally unbelievable. But still weak.

The movie moves along. The ending is better and the story is overall better.

Lavinia has more character but she seems to steal from Flavius and makes flavius a weaker villain.

Okay at this point you may forget I said your script is the best I read so far. And it is easy for me to trash your script but I doubt my script is as good and and I think you can fix most of the problems I listed.

The romance is better but I keep seeing this giant girl try to jump Titus bones and till finally he says I am on top. And that is really the biggest problem of your script.

Titus is always on the bottom the whole movie. He needs to say from the beginning. HEY BIITCHES, I AM ON TOP!

I rate the first half of your script a 2+ and the secong half a 4. So overall I give you a three.
 

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