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Premise:
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Didn't Hook Me in the First Five

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
1 stars
 
September 03, 2011
I decided to do a review of the first five pages of all the scripts, and come back to the script and do a full review if the first five pages made me want to read it. I decided to start with the scripts that had not already received some reviews.

I read the original script and the Amazon Studio Story Department notes and am using my personal interpretation of what they intended only.

Pros: Starts with some action and the backstory explanation up front is short and sweet.

Cons: The writing is heavy, thick description and action paragraphs make it hard to read, plus a lot of wasted words. Like the sentence where Cassius is about to scream but gets pulled into the crate... it could be as simple as: A scream cut short as Cassius is yanked in. The dialog is hit or miss, some of it is very on the nose, some of it is good.

Rewrite:

Pros: Titus comes in early, he and the other gladiators are a bit more fleshed out in the scene; even though the line quoted in the story notes was changed, the replacement is as good or better.

Cons: I wanted a stronger connection to the hero.
 

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