Overall Recommendation:
3.0 stars
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4 Stars:
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3 Stars:
100.0%
(1)
 
2 Stars:
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1 Stars:
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Premise:
5.0 stars
(1)
 
Story structure:
2.0 stars
(1)
 
Character:
2.0 stars
(1)
 
Dialogue:
1.0 stars
(1)
 
Emotion:
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1 out of 4 people found the following review helpful:

Not This Time

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
1 stars
 
Emotion:
1 stars
 
September 04, 2011
I decided to do a review of the first five pages of all the scripts, and come back to the script and do a full review if the first five pages made me want to read it. I decided to start with the scripts that had not already received some reviews.

I read the original script and the Amazon Studio Story Department notes and am using my personal interpretation of what they intended only.

Pros: Interesting set up for the origin story.

Cons: The writing is overdone, lengthy descriptions and action weigh down the read. Too many lines of dialog crammed together slows it more and there are formatting errors. Parentheticals belong under the Character, not beside it and only ONE per line. To handle the foreign language it would be less distracting to just state that in the action description. This is Nakato. She speaks in her native language with(without) subtitles. The dialog is long and not especially natural sounding, though to your credit, you are trying to pick up the era, tough to pull off no matter.

Rewrite wise:

Pros: Titus shows up early!

Cons: I still didn't get enough of a feel for him as a person to connect to him as the story's hero.
 

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