Overall Recommendation:
4.0 stars
(1)
5 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
4 Stars:
100.0%
(1)
 
3 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
2 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
1 Stars:
0%
(0)
 
Premise:
5.0 stars
(1)
 
Story structure:
5.0 stars
(1)
 
Character:
4.0 stars
(1)
 
Dialogue:
3.0 stars
(1)
 
Emotion:
3.0 stars
(1)
 
 
1-1 of 1 review
Sort: Newest | Most helpful
2 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

A fun plot with good delivery

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
September 15, 2011
I enjoyed this script from the beginning. I thought it was well paced, with the Christmas party and the killers I was hooked from the beginning. I liked the end as well, and the way Abby was no longer hiding in the closet, but took action. I enjoyed the description, for example on page 104 with the Manager.

There were some problems that I will lay out below:

p9 - You say they will just 'spend time with Abby and her folks = but they don't know Abby is there, do they?

p13 - Abby just saw the shovels and whatnot, but then "storms off" - wouldn't she sprint away or something? In the next scene you have her running, which makes sense, but why 'storm off' (to me this means walk away in a pissed off manner)

p19 - "in runs" th eperson who then "peaks his head in" - seems contradictory

p25 - Carly: 'A cold chill runs up her spine' - how do we see that?

Mid-30s - Carly's dialogue seems too forced, as if just there to break up Niner's dialogue

On Page 8 you said he had a '50 callibur gun in his belt' then later on page 112 you say '50 callibur handgun' - I would just make this clear up front. Having been in the military, when I hear 50 cal I think those humongous machine guns and I was like -huh?

P118 - I'm not sure why Niner would even let Bobby close to Abby - seems silly

p118 - the bullet "spikes" Bobby in the shoulder - I think you could find a better verb than 'spikes' - I imagine a volleyball hearing this.

- The last few pages are blank, no big deal, but just wanted to point it out.

Overall I thought it was a good script and think, with some minor tweaks, it could be great.
 

Reviews for