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Premise:
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Story structure:
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It's OK, but needs work and here's the list.

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
September 26, 2011
CALIBAN screenplay shrinks from 125 pages to 116 when repetitive elements are removed then expands back up to 118 when three spaces are added between scenes and single line INTERCUT are made into scene headings.

Recommendations:
CHARACTERS. Capital letters on first appearance, lower case follows.

Made the character BEARING through out, rather than a mix of BEARING/BEARIN.

LUCILLE, LUTHER, LEWIS...
I was tempted to make Luther > ‘Uther’ just to reduce the occurrences of ‘L’.

Refer to the play as ‘The Tempest’ throughout.

Correct 1,321 instances of unusual double-spacing in action lines.
The script shrinks by 3 pages when they were removed.

TATYANA, an enduring character. I shortened her intro speech.

MAXWELL is over-killed which I love.

PAGE NUMBERS added top right.

FLASHBACK: INT. DINER – DAY starts on page 25,
END FLASHBACK page 30

Things to be removed:
(CONT’D) 135
ellipsis… (292)
(parenthicals)

‘we’ (15) I left 10 in, mainly in accent dialogue.
‘is’ (460)
‘are’ (115) 46 in dialogue
‘as’ (95) 19 of these are within speech. See if you can do anything with them.

‘starts’ and ‘starts to’ (12)
‘begins’ and ‘begins to’ (29)

‘until’ I would reword all these paragraphs

“get’s” when it is simply ‘gets’
‘pink and read’, becomes ‘pink and red’
‘marine core’, ‘marine corps’
replace ‘chocks’, you really meant ‘chokes’
‘metals’ was changed to ‘medals’.

His cell phone VIBRATES against his glass end table by his face. Then it begins to ring.

[In the scene the character’s head is already against a pillow, a visionary can picture the shot.]

I would replace with the simple sentence:
A cell phone VIBRATES against the bedside table and rings.

LEWIS’ CAR - Lewis grins. He begins to stop his car.

becomes

EXT. LEWIS’ CAR (MOVING) - DAY
Grinning, he decelerates.

I would expand a lot of single spaced scene headings to correct format especially to get rid of the CUTTING ROOM DIRECTIONS such as INTERCUT.

She begins running down the sidewalk. She runs faster and faster trying to exercise her anger out of her body through her sweat. She is running as fast as she possibly can. She runs until she nearly collapses. She holds herself up breathing heavily and crying. In the distance the light of dawn begins, before the sunrise.

Halve the line count without losing content by simply saying...

Running, moving faster and faster, grimacing angrily, sweating, slowing, crying, exhausted, breathing heavily; broken, she squints through tears at the rising sun.

Merged two CANDICE dialogue boxes

I deleted EDITING/CUTTING ROOM transitions to make it a generic script to bounce off studios.

MOS – (Mit Out Sound/Moment of silence) deleted.

Removed all CAMERA/ MUSIC CALLS.

Moved his tattoo and made it an Oral tattoo ‘SKIN’ inside his mouth.

I’ve corrected all of the above in a draft tighter than an Otter’s pocket.

I can send you the script and you can put ‘back in’ what you think is necessary to tell your story.
 

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