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Submitted Work

Movie Projects

Scripts

Title Average Rating Downloads Date
Created

Leopard Woman Jack's 1st Draft (Script 2)

No rating
17 08/07/11

Reviews Jack Has Written

Leopard Woman, Philip's Original Draft

3 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

I liked the story.

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
August 07, 2011
I liked the story very much.

I copied and pasted it into a script template I found on line and changed passive voice to active voice where I found it.

I think it might be improved with some of the dialog reveals changed to action scenes.

The original format was for a stage play it seems. This may be why there is an overload of dialog.

Instead of listing recommendations line by line, I just rewrote the script and uploaded a version. Most of my changes were to change passive voice to active voice just as an exercise to see if there is improvement in the read.

Some specific action scenes might be to show the oracles more and show Uyi in more scenes where she builds the army of leopards.

Overall, it is a great story, well told!
 

Meltdown, Vernon's 5th Draft

2 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Looks good. Format is correct.

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
July 12, 2011
Meltdown Notes:

I know there are later drafts but this one interests me. The antagonist here is revealed early in the script. I want to see how much this detracts from the story.

Page 7: Grandpa, did you take your medication?

Interesting dialogue. This sets up Grandpa's reputation very well.

The call from Sis right after reinforces the sentiment. Good!

The script takes a definite right-wing bias; something that may hurt it at a very left leaning Amazon. So don't expect great things.

Life vests get shot up pretty bad. In the real world, they would probably still float, but many readers may suspect that they would not. Maybe some explanation would be good here.

The protagonists have it a little too easy. Maybe they need to work harder to accomplish their tasks.

The girls seem to be smarter and more aggressive than the guys. Maybe the CIA team should look and act more like a professional crew.

Around page 30 we see references to carbon trading etc. that seems to send a message. Someone once said in reference to messages in scripts, "If you want to send a message, use UPS."

I seem to remember that taken out of later drafts.

I like the idea about the self-teaching computer games.

Nice ending; still the same.
 

ZvG: Zombies Vs Gladiators, Vernon's 2nd Draft

5 out of 6 people found the following review helpful:

Good tight draft.

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
July 09, 2011
Vernon's 2nd draft.

Notes::

Good idea to get rid of the wolf. Africa didn't have large wolves, just coyote sized dog like animals that wouldn't be very scary.

I like that this draft uses as much as the original script as possible, but still gets the new story across where some god-given birthright marks Titus for great things.

Compared to the original I see a great effort to avoid passive voice. Here is a case where passive voice sneaked in.

Page 3
"The growling stops. All is quiet."

The script does read better although it is almost the same paragraph for paragraph, meaning wise. The read-ability improvement is probably simply due to the elimination of passive voice and continuous tense.

Lucius on page 11, reveals the nature of the birthmark on Titus's arm above the tattoo of battles. This reveal might work better if delayed a bit.

On page 17 the party girls pull flower petals out of their pockets. Clad in G strings? Where are the pockets? Maybe they should get the flower petals from tucked into their G strings or something.

On page 18 we see another reveal of Titus's birthmark. This would work as the first, or maybe the first one should be just a hint.

Around page 40 we see Zombies change in seconds. This probably violates the normal genre where hours or days pass before the change occurs.

Good that the Zombie animals were eliminated. That seemed a little too complicated and was left up in the air in the original.

On page 49 we see the set up for, "the Gods will show us the chosen one." Maybe this short set up will work but it would be easy to miss it.

Page 58 we see barrels of oil explode after ignition by a torch. This seems a little unreal. I don't think barrels of oil would explode like that and probably would even be difficult to light afire.

I like the new ending and the new roles of the protagonist and the love interest. This could probably be developed some to give it more emotional power. After building up to it all through the story, it needs a little more than a few seconds of screen time.

Overall, a great read. I think it is improved with a minimum of changes.
 

Celestial Vikings, Foluso's Original Draft

2 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Interesting story. Language issues need a little help.

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
April 28, 2011
Notes: Celestial Vikings.

The opening prologue uses camera direction to set up the scenario. Spec scripts should avoid camera direction they tell us.

SMASH CUT TO:
Transition on the first page and CUT TO in the scene below will be the same thing on screen. All cuts take place in 1 / 24th second, the time from one frame to the next.

There is a little bit of a language barrier that makes it difficult to understand the beginning.

We should use present tense, active voice and strong action verbs to describe the picture we see right now. The first scene deviates from that a little.

Interesting beginning pulls us into the script.

Page 3 Character names should be in all caps when first introduced.
"Marc a young boy of seven ruddy and the young girl Cordela six and pretty."

You should probably use their names in the dialogue below the introduction.

You might check your dialogue to make sure it sounds right for the age. Six and seven year old kids I know would not be quite that sophisticated.

The story looks okay and will make an interesting screenplay.

Technically, you must avoid past tense that shows up occasionally in action lines. Action lines must depict action on screen right now. That means present tense.

Interesting ending. Clean it up and it will work.
 

D.U.M., Stephen's Original Draft

3 out of 5 people found the following review helpful:

Of all my reviews this is the best written. It is also funny to the extreem!

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
April 27, 2011
This has the potential to be that block buster that makes it for Amazon Studios.

You should, however, correct the spelling in the log line.
 

The Birth of C, Craig's Original Draft

1 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Just a start.

Overall Recommendation:
2 stars
 
Premise:
2 stars
 
Story structure:
1 stars
 
Character:
1 stars
 
Dialogue:
1 stars
 
Emotion:
1 stars
 
April 24, 2011
Notes for the Birth of C

RTF format problems.

Slugline should have a time element that is missing.

The action and dialogue is criptic. It seems to be set somewhere other than earth.

It is only nine pages.

Work on it and flesh it out to a hundred pages.
 

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