At Amazon Studios

 
 
 

Submitted Work

Movie Projects

Storyboards

Title Views Date
Created

Malicious Code Neal's visualizing this technology thriller (Storyboard 1)

40 07/13/14

Back to High School Neal's visualizing Daniel's concept (Storyboard 1)

82 06/18/13

Scripts

Title Average Rating Downloads Date
Created

IN THE SKY Neal's 1st Draft (Script 2)

3.0 stars
(2)
71 11/27/12

America's Ben Franklin in: The Electrocution String Neal's 1st Draft (Script 4)

No rating
44 08/06/11

About

I write for therapeutic reasons. I hope to find others who enjoy my creative (and sometimes innovative) expression of story ideas. I also enjoy releasing my creative energies through animated art projects in a 3-D workspace.
 

Reviews Neal Has Written

Time and Time Again, Pierre's Original Draft

0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

the first 10 pages

Overall Recommendation:
1 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
1 stars
 
Emotion:
1 stars
 
March 04, 2014
The author of Time and Time Again understands the importance of the first ten pages. However, he doesn't execute to convey the proper tone of the story. Pierre describes Time and Time Again as an R-rated lewd and crude comedy. Yet, the first 7 pages are absolutely devoid of "adult-centric" situations and language.

Both lovers refer to the male genitalia as penis. That's not lewd or crude.
Their sexual encounter is described as "trying to get to home base." also not lewd or crude.
"Let's take our relationship to the next level." Seriously not how adults (or boys yearning to be men) describe their sexual desires.

Pierre describes his main characters as "selfish." From the first ten pages, we understand that Allen is the main character. However, there is no indicator that Allen is a selfish person.

Pierre also describes Time and Time Again as similar to Old School, Sex Drive, and American Pie. You do realize that American Pie is loaded with symbolism and subtext. Don't you?

Time and Time Again is literal storytelling that lacks lewd and crude comedy. To fully satisfy the young male audience, you have to push the envelope of decency. And, the lewd and crude humor must be loaded with innuendo and the other elements that make R-rated comedy work.


Now, let's talk about some of the storytelling elements that piqued my interest to read Time and Time Again.

Two brothers travel back in time. They intend to change the past to have a better future. During their missions, they rarely obey company policy. Yet, this inadvertently makes the future better.

Pierre (the author of Time and Time Again) attempts to show the progression from selfish behavior to a desire to care for others.


So, the story questions that the first 10 pages need to open are:
- Why do the brothers need to change the past?
- What is the expected better future, if the brothers succeed at changing the past?
- What technology exists so the brothers can travel to the past?
- How do the brothers intend to use the technology to change their past?
- How are the brothers selfish in the present?
- What are the challenges that prevent the brothers from immediately succeeding to use the technology to change their past and having a better future?

Good luck. Get to rewriting.
 

WizardsQuest Video 2 - Recut Critical Hit

5 stars
looks and feels like a real movie trailer, despite being made with Legos by an amateur
December 14, 2013

Tabula Rasa, Rock's Original Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

this is very good

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
No rating
 
Story structure:
No rating
 
Character:
No rating
 
Dialogue:
No rating
 
Emotion:
No rating
 
December 24, 2011
The major improvement you can make to your writing skill is to eliminate adverbs. Instead, find active verbs that visually portray the meaning. for example, "Positioning it carefully against Ethan’s tiny head, the nurse counts quietly." should be rewritten to "She places it against Ethan's tiny head." Also, show rather than tell. NURSE (quietly): One. Two. Three.

I also want to recommend you write with subtext. Using the above example again, without subtext, I don't know why the nurse must count quietly. Instead, you're telling the actor exactly what to do and when to do it. Subtext eliminates this direction.

Also, subtext is what attracts A-list talent. Let the actors know what's expected of them (through subtext) and balance that with letting the talent decide how they'll perform the subtext.
 

Wedding Dazed, S's Original Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

entertaining and intriguing

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
September 25, 2011
I can't find any comments in regards to improving the story. I read it from cover-to-cover in one sitting. I was really engaged and intent on learning how/why this couple was reliving their wedding day. I like how your characters stated their theories on why this was happening. Also, appreciated your choice for Nick to profit from "knowing the future to place bets."

All I really have are some alternate expositions to try on:

1. during the first re-do of the wedding, since Nick and Abigail are aware they are reliving their wedding day, have one of them object when during the traditional "If anyone has a reason these two shall not get married..." They can give a speech about how they know they're being tricked, won't fall for it, and walk away from the wedding. Then, transition to waking up to repeat the day.
2. the second re-do has Nick wandering off into the city and missing the wedding.
3. the third time, Nick and Abigail are in the Jacuzzi, the parents pounding on the door, expression of "we're done. The marriage is over." to the parents, dressed for the wedding. The response: "Nonsense. You haven't even started." to indicate they're on another re-do.
4. Next redo, the couple find a solution by completing the wedding and living life forward from that point. You can move the expression of "Nick confides in Jeff, i.e. fortune telling" to this point.
5. Of course, they wake up to another re-do.
6. All hope lost, they just continue to re-do over and over again - which leads to your exposition of "How many times have we gotten married now?"
7. Now, the audience is ready for the wrap up. Of course, keep all the funny bits about different ways the couple go through the ceremony.
8. I think you may have gone too many times to the fountain scene. One, possibly two, was plenty.
9. I think the wrap-up may have been too rushed. If it truly is String Theory and an entanglement of quantum physics. It really didn't get the attention it needed. I like the analogy of "The Myth of Sisyphus." You may have limited your target market by explaining the entire story with these academic principles.
10. I'd really like this all to be a practical joke. Some esoteric reason everyone is in on this hoax. In the end, they would all laugh about the silly shenanigans that Nick and Abigail pulled.
11. Which takes me to my final thought - what is the overall theme to your story? What are you trying to say by having a divorced couple re-do their wedding day over and over again? That is not explained in this version. Whatever your theme is should be proved or disproved so the days can continue as usual. In one suggestion: Nick and Abigail have come to the proper realization of the theme, so the organizers of the hoax confirm they've arrived at the correct conclusion. And, the story ends on a big laugh as they talk about the bride and groom's exploits.

one last added-on suggestion: let the Hotel Clerk be the pounding at the door the last time, proof that the re-does are over. He should say something like "It's past check-out time. Are you staying another night?"
 

NINER, Eric's Original Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

glancing review

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
No rating
 
Story structure:
No rating
 
Character:
No rating
 
Dialogue:
No rating
 
Emotion:
No rating
 
August 29, 2011
Okay. Here's some first reactions after reading the premise and synopsis. First, the premise needs work. At this time, I don't have a suggestion to improve it, but will come up with something as I get into the script.

Second, the synopsis made me think the story's opening would/might work better as a suspense with mystery. So, I started reading from page 13, when Abby "runs as fast as she can" through the woods. I'm pretty sure this will change the overall story, but I wanted to experience it from this angle. Obviously, you would add more fear and "damages" to the girl's exposition and lengthen the amount of time she runs through the woods before she falls, unconscious.

Now, the story questions throughout the E.R. scenes would be one of "solving the mystery", i.e. why is this girl speechless, terrified, running barefoot through the woods? And, I love the little reveal of "Why's Abby here?" to release that tension. And, there's new tensions as they can't contact the parents and drive out to the house and see all the mystery surrounding previous activities.

Okay. So. I'm on page 29. And, I'm still thinking about the opening - how long do you stay away from Abby's suspense? You definitely need to build tension between Niner and Carly. The character of T.J. must remain, not just for later exposition but because it reveals a piece of Niner's character. Namely, as I saw it, an abuse of his suspended authority.

So, shorten the interactions. Or, have Abby in-frame, waiting to be seen. Another thought is to have the Mabrys carry Abby in and draw Carly's attention to that interaction. Meanwhile, Niner's still trying to "get to her." Definitely, don't need to be in the Suture room (but, the exposition of that scene needs to remain somehow.)

I love the sequence where Carly tells Niner, "I'm headed to [Abby's house]." Niner stops her, "There's something you must know." Carly: "What's that?" Niner: "My car's that way." Great humor.

My suggestion for when Niner tells Carly the whole Raul incident is to show this. I'm seeing it as I'm reading. The way it's written to be shown on-screen, the viewer will just see "talking heads." Of course, the director may also get this and know the sequence needs to be shown with Niner/Carly doing voice-over (or intercuts) to make it work.

When Trent draws down on Niner, I'd like an action indicator about when/how Niner quits playing drunk. At first, I thought Niner "sobered up" when he lit a cigarette and offered Trent one. I'm also not sure when Trent realized Niner knew Abby's whereabouts.

Okay. Page 40. And, not knowing the first 12 pages of your script has some interesting consequences. First, some confusion about Niner and Trent's relationship. but, it's entertaining to think one way and receive bits that change my perception. Second, a new character (Bobby) is introduced. Not sure how he fits into all this. Again, very intriguing to receive bits of exposition in this manner. Finally, it appears Niner is an accomplice to Trent (and the incident at Abby's house) in some fashion. Very exciting and suspenseful to have the story revealed in this manner - not sure who, ultimately, are good and who are bad.

A few words about some exposition I expected in the script based on a paragraph of the synopsis:
"After Trent arrives at the scene, he [...] proclaims that he was forced to help murder Abby's family by two men. Two men who are seeking revenge for the deaths of six family members. Niner convinces Trent to turn himself in and divulge the names of the others involved. He and Niner drive to the hospital to meet with the lead detective on the case."

Totally, did not find any exposition about "Two men who are seeking revenge..." or "Niner convinces Trent to turn himself in..."

I was thinking you could use bits of the 12-page opening (the part I glanced over) as video over the TV report. Show the "white-picket fence dream of little girls riding horses." Possibly, in the form of home videos, yeah?

Yes. more nice reveals "Abby ingested ambitropin ... administered by Trent." Really amps up the tension, by not being shown (from your original 12 pages) what actually happened, yet.

(more to come)

by the way, I like to write reviews in real-time, while I'm reading the script.