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Reviews Erik R. Has Written

True Pirates, Drew's Original Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Too political correct

Overall Recommendation:
2 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
November 13, 2011
So I just read your screenplay, called True Pirates and the thing that struck me most was how political correct these pirates were. That feels insane, because they're pirates.

This one starts with Alex and Adam getting home, from being away for 16 months. The first mistake you make, is when Adam comes home. He get's welcomed like he has come back from the office after working a bit later then usual, but like he was there that very same morning. The way he and Anna were talking to each other felt unnatural.

Then they get abducted to work on a navy ship. I am not sure if that is what happened in those days, but it, again, feels unnatural to me. Though I haven't done any research on that, so I'll give you the benefit of a doubt.
They take over the ship, right before they meet a nice pirate who let's them have it. This happens before a big fight was going to start. I missed the real action. Then they sail away. Away from the Navy ship that is following. They succeed and get away.

While looking for a port, they find a ship, which they take over. There was some action there, the misleading 'white flag' was good. And then come the nice 'slaves' who all decide to stay with Alex and Adam. How convinient.

They head to Jamaica, where they are come across some freed slaves. They get captured, but right before the action was going to start, the black men from the ship and on Jamaica, get into conversation, and save the day.
Then they set sail again, come across the Navy ship again, but nothing really happens.

Right before the end, they try to conquer a Spanish ship and you begin action. Problem is, that you abort the entering before it really happens. They go home and give the black people the boat to sail to Africa.

You have build up a lot action scenes, but fail to complete them. You make your characters abort their goal, have them saved at the last moment or just sail away from it.
This script has nothing that will make me remember it. The dialogue is too standard, no memoriable lines, nothing.

Here are a few suggestions:
- Lose the political correctness. Alex and Adam can be in charge of the ship, without all the voting and stuff. There is a difference between use and abuse of power. As long as Alex and Adam make the right dicisions, there will be no muteny. Ofcourse there is a different between losing political correctness and becoming a man who bosses everyone around like slaves. Adam and Alex can still be nice, but they have to be in charge.
- Try to add more action into the script. It relays too much on dialogue now. Your script won't last much more then an hour if this would be produced (1 page script, should be around 1 minute film, but dialogue often takes less time then action. If it's balanced, the rule aplies, this feels out of balance).
- As for the action, one idea I had was to let them be captured by the Navy when they try to sail out of the cove. The Lt. Maynard takes them to shore, where they again meet the Jamaicans. Alex and Adam are friendly with the Jamaicans now, so they take care of it.
- In the end, why won't you try the idea of the ship being entered by other pirates, instead of them trying to enter the Spanish ship. That way, I get my final action scene I was hoping for and you don't have to abort the action scene again.

Well, that's it.
I had some minor notes written down. I will post them on the forum in the topic where we spoke before.
I hope my review helps you and if you feel like I missed the point of this (because I pretty much trashed it. I might have looked at this the wrong way), please feel free to tell me. I am always up for discussion!

Greetings,
Erik
 

Paradise, J.'s 3rd Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

A weird way to end things

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
November 10, 2011
I read this in two parts. Yesterday, I made it to page 30, today I finished it. After 30 pages, I was quite excited about this. I thought it had a good story, though the screenplay itself needed some work. When I contineud today, I first found myself in that same vibe, but that started to change. I did not like the ending.
Don't get me wrong, I usually like 'bad-endings' but this one just does not live up to the story. It felt like a real anti-climax, while this screenplay could actually use a good climax. In my opinion, you should rethink the ending. Maybe a good ending fits this story best, but I'm not writing this. That's your call.

As for premise, I gave it a 3/5. The build up was very good, it had some minor flaws, but I guess that you would have improved them anyway in a 4th drawing or something. If I would have liked the ending, this would probably get a 4/5 for premise.
Story structure was good. Except for a few scenes that seemed out of order. Maybe they were in a different order in your original version and forgot to change a few specific things about the scene.
Characters were pretty good. At first I thought that Rodney and Annie were too romantic for a brother and sister, but that all ended up somewhere. I just have two things; Annabelle was a bit too weird. Sometimes I had the feeling that she knew what was going on outside (that it wasn't as bad as John said), and sometimes I had the feeling that she didn't and believed what he said. You should either go with one of those and make it more clear. Second: Annie is 19 years old. She seemed too childish and dramatic about those splinters.
Dialogue was overall quite good, but seemed to repeat itself just a little too much. Also there were too much 'OK' and 'Yes, sir.'. Sometimes a simple nod is enough instead of saying something.
Emotion was again, quite good, except in the end. Annabelle, praying to god in the end felt like real bad writing.

I got some more notes for you, but I will post them on the forum in the topic you created, since they are all small things.

I hope my review helped you.
Good luck with it!
 

Strychnine, Michael 's 2nd Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Were-wolfapocalypse

Overall Recommendation:
2 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
1 stars
 
November 05, 2011
This was quite a bad screenplay in my opinion.

It starts off with the fact that it is only half a screenplay. There are many, many scenes that need to be worked out, but you didn't. You just discribed transistion from years in just two sentences, indicating that there have to be scenes that show it. Yet the scenes, you have not written down (such as the time in Amsterdam, I btw loved the fact that you used Amsterdam!).

But let's talk about the story itself.
The story sounds like something that Robert Rodriquez might make. Except that Rob knows how to pull it off. I don't really see that happening with this version of the script. Dialogue was pretty bad, emotion wasn't even there.

I would also like to advise you, to narrow your story down a little bit. You have both a Post-Apocalyptic story and a Were-Wolf story. I can understand that when Were-wolfs take over the world, it would become Post-Apocalyptic, but this felt too much.
I would drop the bombing with the gas and find a way for Zav to take over the world.

While writing you can easily get lost in thoughts. "This is cool, and then that happens. After that, I want some fighting in there" and so on, but you got to keep it all in line. It has to make sense. You cannot go from action scene, to bomb, to running, to explosion. Look at Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen for exemple. That movie had just too much action. They tried to make the movie filled with it and forgot to set the story right.
In a different way, I got the same feeling here. You just wanted too much and your story telling suffered from that.

The best moviemakers started with a movie that was simple, but clever.
Good luck!
 

Bum Rush, Jim's Original Draft

0 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

What the...?

Overall Recommendation:
2 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
May 08, 2011
It took me a while to read this screenplay to the end, but I made a deal with Jim and to me, a deal is a deal. The reason why it took me so long is because it is completely not my cup of tea.
Reviewing this, will be hard for me, but I'll give it a shot.

I thought that the premise and story structure were good. We follow a guy that has a shitty life and due to the actions of his friend, his life becomes even shittier. It is pretty much a basic 'drug deal gone wrong'-story. However, the thing that you do different is the part in the middle. Most movies with this kind of story, follow people who lay low in some city motel (such as True Romance). You had a good idea by actually make the homeless be more homeless and not place them in a motel.

But the way you worked that out, is just too much for me. The huge amount of sexuel content is just unnessairy. The disgusting scenes with the body in the train, the shit in the pocket and Fabian's 'solo-scene' just wants to ask "Why?". What does it contribute to the story? Are you trying to shock people, because this story just does not fit for that.

Maybe it is just me. Maybe you are aiming for an audience to which I do not belong at all and this screenplay is actually good in it's genre. I don't know.

Hope my review and opinion helped you and good luck with your story! :)
 

Favorite Movies

Fight Club, Unbreakable, The Mist, Memento, The Usual Suspects
 

Influences

M. Night Shyamalan, Christopher Nolan, David Fincher, Frank Darabont, Quentin Tarantino.
 

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