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About

I've been writing and creating stories since I learned how to use a pen. I have studied as a dog-handler and started my own company until I realise it wasn't for me.

Then I had an interview for a receptionnist job in a post-production company and that's when I decided to make a career in cinema. Then I studied as a scriptwritter with an online school (Cinecours) because I couldn't afford to leave my job and study full time.

In the meantime I've been making Sims-video that I published on YouTube. It was my way of having people to actually get to know me and what I'm doing. Didn't expect it to be a success but it turned out that my videos have been watched more than 80 000 times for many of them and I have over 300 subscribers that still watch my videos over again even if I stopped 2 years ago.

And finaly, for the last year I've been home taking care of my baby boy and now I'm back to work in an insurance company.
 

Reviews Stephanie Has Written

Dead vs. Undead, Roger's Original Draft

2 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Great concept, great story, worth to work on it to make it awesome.

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
June 14, 2011
Okay so here’s my review. As I already commented the first part, I’ll try to avoid repeating what I’ve already told you. But what I said in my last review still stands. I loved this story, it has a lot of potential. Here are some notes that I took while I was reading, I hope it will help.

I could say a lot about formatting and tightening, but I’ve already mentioned it in an earlier review, so I’ll just skip that part. You need to polish it a little more, the action needs to be visual and most of it isn’t. Also try to avoid the verb that finishes by –ing. He is witnessing should be, he witnesses. It makes it more dynamic and visual. Also forget the mention of the camera, takes us out of the action right away. A little like if you would watch a movie, get into the action and then see a camera. Your job is to describe what we see, so unless we see a camera, don’t talk about it.

P.4 Why does the soldier is suddenly screaming? Is something happening that we don’t see? At this part I was trying to picture in my head and when you character started to scream I was thinking like (can somebody tell the cameraman to show me what’s going on). Get the point? Every single detail most be told, otherwise we don’t know what’s going on and it’s upsetting a bit.

P.5 I think I mentioned it in the other review, but there’s too much writing. We don’t read a book, we watch a movie. Plus, I’m not sure how good it is to reveal right away your heroine will die. (I’ll come back to it when I’m done reading the whole script). Now that I’ve read the script, I really don’t think you should reveal this. You give out the punch right away… Give us a reason to keep hoping for a happy ending.

Really at P.5 you’re telling us a story that is very interesting, it kills me to read it and not see it. That would be so much better if I could actually see it happening in front of me instead of reading that it happened. Use the flashbacks, or a montage to show us it happened or it’s happening and then you skip 20 years later. Or at least, put it in Voice Over so that we hear someone tell us a story. And put some image on what we see, a sepia background is really boring. What I can suggest you, is use windows movie maker and do this part. Put a sepia background with the writing. Then listen to it and imagine yourself in a theatre room, watching a movie that begins with roughly about 7 minutes of reading with no images at all…

P.9 Each man in their actions show the tale tell signs of exhaustion. Perfect example of what I mean. What are they doing? They show signs, what signs? Be more specific. Otherwise the actor will have to invent and it probably won’t be what you have in mind. Give us more details than that, understand that the less detail you put in your script, the less it will look like what you picture. The director and the actors can’t see what’s in your head. So if a man yawns, write it. If a man sighs, write it. If a man rubs his eyes, write it. All signs of fatigue that are visuals and tells us what we see. I say it often, but it’s true. Your job is to describe the picture, we say that a picture is worth a thousand word, you then need a thousand word to describe your picture. Or almost ;) lol. Keep it simple but precise.

Basically as I read, I think you really have what it takes, you just need a little polish on your script. Sometimes I can see that the picture is clear in your head like this : Reinhardt scowls and looks the younger man up from head to toe as the young soldier begins. This sentence in itself tells everything I want to know. How he is, what kind of man he is and what he thinks. All your script should be written this way.

P.11 HQ operator should be in V.O since we don’t see him. He talks through the earphone, right? (Okay now I get it. The slugline include many scenes, is that it? Cause if it is, really write the scenes like they should be.)

P.12 The two men speak as if they have many issues between them in the past. There’s a lot of sentence like this in your script. Belongs in a book, but not in your script. They speak with rancor to each other. (or something like that)

Note : I will now stop with those notes as I think you pretty much get the point and will only focus on the story right now.

P.13 this part is a bit long and maybe useless as if they were bright, they would take tour. Impossible a man could stay on guard like this for days and still be able to defend the building. So maybe show that they take tour, or if not, maybe then they could be attacked and it would show in the fight how it was a mistake not to let them rest.

P.18 right now it feels like I’m reading the middle of the movie and haven’t seen the first part. It cruelly misses of Zombie vs Vampire fight, of dead vs undead fight. Show us how much of a threat they are, why this world is so terrible. I want to see it. I want to see a story through it. You brought up our heroine but we haven’t seen her yet… The first act of your movie ends in about 10 pages and I don’t know who’s our main character.

Notes, your script would really benefits from dividing the paragraph in less than 3 lines each. Would help keep the pace up and would read easier.

P.23 okay at least you showed us how easy they were to defeat.

P.24 How can you do this to us! That’s so mean! You let us understand Alexis (which we definitely haven’t seen or heard enough) is really special somehow, enough for them to be afraid of her and you cut to some other scene we don’t care about. The other scene is nice, and you reveal what we want to know in it but still, it cut too roughly, it killed the moment.

P.25 He thinks to himself as he blurs to her side. Really? That’s the kind of think I would see in a bad soap on daytime, but not in a movie. Your characters don’t think out loud. That’s where screenwriting gets a little harder, but that’s when we succeed that it makes all the difference. You need to show what your character thinks, how can you do this. Well I’m not the author and so I don’t know what is it exactly that you want to state, so I can’t tell you. But my advice is to describe the expression of your character, a look can say a lot on what he thinks. A sound, a gasps, a reaction can tell a lot on his feelings. A flashback, a picture, an object can tell a lot on memories. For example, if she’s someone he loved and lost. He freezes and holds his breath, then he takes an old broken necklace out of his pocket. He caresses it and looks at it with sorrow. Clearly shows that he misses her.

P.28 That’s a nice scene. Vampire, human romance I really like it. I loved it in Buffy and still do. As I’m reading right now I’m thinking, it’s not a new concept though, I hope you found something ingenious and original to add to this.

P.29 Oh no, you so ruined the moment! Terry finds himself and looks to try and make Kal a fool in front of the troops. First, I don’t have a clue what you mean and what is going on. Second, try to make a fool out of him? What? They are animals, demons, beast they don’t try to make a fool out of each others. They fight. They’re violent. At least that’s what you stated. Now this part tells me they’re child. Inspire of the animal kingdom, when the alpha male does something a member of the pack doesn’t like, they confront each other. When the alpha male does something that tend to show he’s losing control or he’s weakening, the pack rebels and kills him. Inspire of this to push your twist as much as you can.

Kal:
Alexis, please be quiet. Really? Please? Now I don’t recognize the vampire you described. I thought he was all mighty but now he say pretty please? Shut up! Would fit more the context, or at least to show the others he didn’t turn his back on them.

Also I don’t really like that he takes her defense. She should be the one defending herself and trying to convince Kal not to kill her, or to give her a chance. Now it feels like they’ve worked together.

P.30 Kal:
For the last time be quiet. Be quiet… Again, something like Shut the hell up, would fit more. They look like teenagers who argue in a school yard and don’t are to hit the others.

P.32 Alexis:
Come on Kal, you know me the last thing I want is any kind of trouble. (Nice, I like that they know each other, but like I said, Kal should try to hide or even fight it. It’s against his nature.) We need more interior conflict with your characters.

P.33 Alexis:
Kal! Seriously we tried… REMEMBER! Then you tried to eat me!
This dialogue is just weird. Plus I think you could improve the tension between them by just skipping that part. Just have Kal say, we were married, than he tries to touch her to convince her back into his arms and whisper in her ears : I was a youngling
then! I have learned to control the hunger now. Without being to direct in its message, it lets us understand that something happened. It sets it in a different way. How you set it right now is with humor, and I would see that scene with more drama and passion.

P.34, You’re revealing too much with the Nancy story. It kills the tension right off. Also I think it would be better that we learn about his sister when we actually meet her. Show us, don’t tell us.

P.35 I don’t like that council thing. I don’t like that they have a diplomatie or some kind of organization at all. Like I said, animal kingdom. It’s the jungle and only the strongest survives.

It’s okay that Terry is so arrogant, but at some point it was a bit too much. An insult here and there is fine, but there was one in every line.

The ending is a bit rushed. It ends too soon, too rough. Stuff it a bit more.

Basically, your script has a lot of potential but you need to work on it a little more.
They were not enough of Zombie in this script and the characters were not very well described. Physically I mean. I don’t have a clue how they really look like. I thought also there is not enough of conflict, it could be developed a bit more on that side. But you have the talent, you have the concept, you have the story, all it misses is a bit of work.
 

Cora, Jack's 8th Draft

0 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Incredibly well written story!

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
June 07, 2011
This is an amazing story, easy to read. The atmosphere you created just made me feel good (and I was actually a little grumpy before I start reading). The characters are very endearing and the writing style is perfect. The dialogue lets us feel the time. I got hooked right from the beginning and not because of a special twist, but because of what I mentioned above.

Here’s a few notes that I took while I was reading. I hope it will help you.

P.2 and 3 made me a bit uncomfortable. It sounds weird that Miss Stewart would just jump into the water, naked. In that time, that kind of behaviour was severely frowned upon and often punished with hanging. I think I know why you did this, from what I could understand she’s supposed to be someone who likes scandal, she’s independent, strong and doesn’t care what other people thinks. That’s good, it makes us love her, but maybe this is a bit too much, at least if you want to let us believe she’s regal and knows how to behave in public like you previously stated. Also nudity that early in a movie might just put your audience uncomfortable. To accept it, the audience needs to be comfortable with the story, the characters and like them. Maybe she could just jump in the water in her night gown, still scandalous, but not too much.

Then she seems to hurt her foot. What happened? A dead jellyfish? She turned her ankle? The sand was just too hot? She cut her skin onto something? It’s so vague that we don’t know if she’s walking fine or if she has a limp or something.

P.4 Maybe just : Cora signs ``Cora Stewart Taylor``. Would do it. Some action line tightening needs to be done in that sense but nothing major.

P.5 Just a note, as I’m reading we’re now in 1894 the first thing I wonder is : What year was it before? I don’t remember. My point is maybe if the title would only state something like : a month latter. Would be better. Otherwise we might think we jumped a few years latter. If I didn’t remember, pretty good chances the audience won’t remember either.

Got to say it. I was a bit deceived of learning your character is a writer. First word that came to my mind is : Again! Basically one out of two scripts I read here was about writers. I know it’s not your fault, but I’m beginning to think, if that’s the first thing I said, probably that a producer or a reader would say the same thing. I know it’s a big part of the story, but how about considering giving him another type of original career that would actually put him in more danger, something more exciting. Also, no big deal but I noticed that you’ve got a few scenes where he’s writing. Fun to read, but boring to see (and I made that mistake with one of my movie).

His celebrity makes him powerful? I find it hard to believe. Also as I read the script, I don’t see it. I’ve been told he’s famous, but we don’t have the occasion to really notice it by ourselves. Have people looking at him, or talk to him or act differently when they recognize him. Just once or twice in the story, so we can feel he’s famous.

I think it’s slow pace, just a little too much. There’s not a lot of dialogue and most of it is useless to the story. I think that if you want to have a script with not a lot of dialogue is fine but then all the dialogue should have a direct impact on the story or on a twist. Most of it now, is just talk for a talk.

P.52 we would say (Il n’y a pas de quoi)

I just read a few past reviews and agree that the title doesn’t seem to give true justice to your story. You should go with something stronger.
 

Meltdown, Vernon's 8th Draft

3 out of 4 people found the following review helpful:

Needs work on the credibility but still a great enjoyable story.

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
June 02, 2011
As I was reading, I was wondering if you were the author of the script. It’s not your usual style and the issues I usually note in your story, weren’t a problem here. Definitely my favourite up till now.

The story begins very early in the script, it keeps or interest alive all along.
The characters are distinct from each other; we can hear their background through their voices. Good! You definitely improved on that.

Here are a few notes that I took while I was reading and you’ll see the issues that I found in the script.

AL
Grandpa, it’s early. What’s so important?
GENE (V.O)
The conspiracy is growing, Son.
AL
Grandpa, did you take your medication?
LOL

P.14 Something just doesn’t work with that twist. The boat upside down and they hide under? First, I’m not sure it would really work. I’m not an expert but I made some canoing once or twice and they wouldn’t have enough of place to breath in there. I know they used that twist in Pocahontas though. My suggestion would be to give your characters some special equipment to do deep-sea diving and they could hide this way.

P.15 In the first attack they weren’t hurt, weird but okay. Then under the water, still not hurt… Now there’s a lack of realism. In water you can’t escape as fast as on land and bullets speed around them, they should be touched. Maybe no big wound, but at least something. Moreover, it would add a new challenge that would be cool to see. And then wait? They the bad guy mistaken the floating vest for the Al and Ron? How is that possible? I know in the water you don’t always see clear but now that’s a bit out of the blue… Anyone can difference a simple floating vest from a man… And then they put the vest back on and they still float? Really? I mean you said all the stuff in it explode, it wouldn’t float anymore that I’m sure of it.

Then I think the dialogue is a bit too on the nose after that.
AL
Does that sub attack seem a little strange to you?
RON
Scary as hell, strange, I don’t know, why?

It should seem strange to Ron.

Then maybe you can cut the evidence you relate and just have one of your characters asking why they attacked, or expressing that this was strange.

AL
We saw a Russian sub off load an Iranian nuke.
RON
Yeah; that’s got to be some top secret shit. What seems strange about the attack?
AL
What triggered the attack?
This part is useless, we already know what they saw, we already suspect it’s some top secret thing and we don’t need the character to remind us. Also, maybe since they’re swimming in the open sea, they should talk about a way to get out of this mess instead of trying to figure out this big secret. Should be their priority right now, even your character said it, the priority is to save their but.

P.17 Al and Ron sit on top of the inverted life raft. Now the first thing looked a little awkward and I wasn’t sure it would work, but that, it wouldn’t. No way two men can sit on an inverted raft and stay afloat. At least have them turn it back. They’re too heavy for this. I think that this part could benefit a little research on rafting or canoeing. No big research but just google for some advice to a beginner and you’ll find useful tips. Probably even new cool idea. You know in a script you can’t just assume that it would work, you have to research and make sure it would. You might not be an expert in this, but some of the audience will and they will realize right away this is not possible. They’re gonna be disappointed and the first thing they’re gonna say aren’t gonna be very flattering

P.17 You have an action line in Al’s dialogue. Plus, what a coincidence, they had it with them all the time and hasn’t been damaged by water.

P.18 Floyd doesn’t ask any more questions? No more reaction than this… Actually was there even a reaction from him.

P.19 Okay so let’s resume, they’ve been attacked after they discovered some big top secret thing (probably conspiracy or something like it), they almost died, they were too tired for debriefing and so now they’re on they’re way there but on the way, they decide to stop by a practice range to practice? Huh? And THEN…. They go for a bike ride! Now if nothing looks awkward to you, I don’t know what to say… Basically those scenes are useless, out of no where and I would just delete them. It felt like an episode of family guy when the character talks about something then relates an anecdote and we move to a flashback that just totally has nothing to do with the story and then we come back to the scene like nothing happened.

P.21 I smell a rat. Then he finds the device just like that? I thought that this line was meant to be an expression and it would have been cool this way but now this looks again too weird.

I think you have a big job to do on the realistic side of the story and I won’t mention all the details that looked weird, you got the point. But you should go through your script and place yourself in the skin of your character, ask yourself if the situation they’re in is credible or not. If you doubt of something, you’re probably right to doubt it and no matter what, it’s not gonna hurt to verify your information. Take the time to do some research.

p.119 in Shirley’s dialogue you have an action line. Maybe it happened more than I mentioned because I just really easily got in the flow of the story and I know I didn’t notice them on the spot.

Loved the ending, that’s basically the only place of the script where I could tell : That’s a Vernon Brown script ;)
They always finish the same way, with your heroes reunited and summarize the story and the conclusion. I don’t mean it in a bad way, I simply mean it’s your signature :P

Basically, the story is very interesting and the twists are nice. We don’t get bored reading this and the suspense is well kept all along. The characters have their own voice, a past, a present (no future though, but no big deal). The writing is fine and besides some minor formatting mistake (rtf conversion obligates), the only problem really is that a lot of details doesn’t seem real. So work on that and you’ll have a pretty good story on your hand, definitely worth to work on it.
 

Dead vs. Undead, Roger's 5th Draft

2 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Great start! Keep going!

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
May 30, 2011
I review this script knowing it's only a 30 pages script and so only the beginning of the story. My rating reflects that.

I like the story, the concept is really good and original. Usually I’m not a fan of zombie or vampire movie, they’re too much alike and too cliché for me, but this one is different from the others and has a charm that I really liked. Keep working on it, I’m sure it’ll pay off. For now I will leave any comments about the story out of my review because it’s just 30 pages so I can hardly judge. Although I can say that the beginning is intriguing and I would definitely read the rest.

I’ll comment only the technicalities which I think they can be a big turn off for someone who reads it.

So first of all, formating! You have to work on that.

Soldier: (spoken in a frantic
pace)
Are you going to be alright?
I saw the way that guy attacked
you!
Did he bite you!

Should be :

SOLDIER
(Franticly)
Are you going to be alright?
I saw the way that guy attacked
you! Did he bite you!

That’s how it should be. All the dialogue, even if it’s long, should be in one paragraph, no enter.

Then the stage direction is between parentheses under the name (no need of the two dots after the name by the way) and should be kept to a minimum, now I noticed you have them at every dialogue. Actors don’t like to be told how to do their job so the only situation when you put stage direction is when it’s not clear how the tone is. Keep it to a minimum of word as much as possible. Then the stage direction should only be used to tell the tone of the dialogue, any kind of action should be in the action line.

Also the name of the character should be capsed when it’s dialogue same for the headlines.

P.2 Okay so the looming figure was a vampire? I think this illustrate clearly one of my major point. Everything that we see in the scene should be told in the action line, every single details. I should have know much earlier that it was a vampire, how does he look, what kind of vampire is it? Twilight, Dracula, Buffy kind… Details. Keep in mind that the more detailed your script is, the more the movie is gonna look like what you have in mind. If the director has to imagine half of the script you’re gonna be the first to say it’s not at all how I pictured it. Your job is to describe what we see on screen, describe the picture as best as you can. They say a picture is worth a thousand word, so you need a thousand word to describe a picture. Or almost, lol, but you get the point.

Where are your characters? What are they doing? What’s their expression? You can’t tell how they feel but you can let us know b describing their reaction, their look, their smile, their gesture. Also give us details about them. We don’t have any descriptions at all. I think you would learn a lot by reading as many scripts as you can. I know I did :P

As much as possible, avoid ``we see`` or the mention of the camera. Tell us what’s happening, those mentions take us out of the flow radically. Example :
Again the camera reveals the opposite wall
where we see the silhouettes violence of the zombie ripping
the vampire appart.
Could be something like this :
On the opposite wall, the silhouette of the zombie rips the vampire apart.

Forget the mention of the opening title or credit, or the color of the background, not your job, not your problem. You need to understand that a director knows his job and doesn’t like to be told what to do by someone who doesn’t. Think of it another way. You’ve been working at your job for many years now after many years of study and suddenly there’s this new guy that arrives in the company, completely different job than yours, and he comes to you and tells you what to do and how to do it. I don’t know about you, but I would get upset.

From page 3 to 5 you’ve got only text that we read on screen. People don’t go to cinema to read, they want to see things, image, action. Make your text visual, have a narrator say it and keep it to the minimum, which should be about 3 or 4 lines maximum. Otherwise it gets boring. 1 page of script = 1 minute of screen time. Would you go to theatre to read the movie for two minutes? I wouldn’t.

Basically those are just technicalities, easily fixed. Like I said it’s hard to judge the story but from what I’ve read, good dialogue, great premise you’re doing a good job. The script right now just doesn’t follow the rules of scriptwriting and I think that the biggest issue (which is good in a way). If you need to, don’t hesitate to ask questions on the forum, many people will be more than happy to answer your questions or doubts and you’ll make contacts this way. Also, google is your best friend as a scriptwriter, so don’t hesitate to research on scriptwriting or anything you have doubts about.

Good luck with the rest!
 

The Diamond Ring, A. M.'s 2nd Draft

2 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Good story with some nice twist, just needs some work on a few details

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
May 29, 2011
Okay so here’s my review. I liked the story, it’s good, the structure is almost there, just need to be clarified a little. The ending is cool, there’s a nice twist I didn’t suspect. I took some notes while I was reading and I hope they will be helpful.

Story wise, when I saw the amount of pages I was sure my comments would be, cut it down. But now that I read the story, I know you that every scenes are relevant and that the structure is well established. So probably with some action tightening, you’ll be able to take out a few page of the count.

Now here’s a few technical issues, easily fixed.

P.1 He’s just had an argument (You can’t say that because it’s not visual).

Some of the basic scriptwriting rules aren’t respected. Avoid Cut to, black screen or anything like this. Avoid the verbs finishing with ing, like : he is standing (P.3) He stands. Present tense with active verb is much better. Also avoid the words start to or begin to as much as possible.

P.4 She has no idea what’s going on, again not visual.

P.5 Daniel gulps again. He can’t find an easy way to tell his
daughter that her mother is gone. (Again, not visual, he searches for his word would do it)

P.6 You used Continuous in the headline while it can’t be continuous since you just cut from another scene. This term is first very controversial and it isn’t recommended to use it but if you still do, use it only when your characters move from one room to another. Like he’s in the living room, he walks to the kitchen and then he’s in the kitchen. Now you use the term continuous.

The action lines could use some tightening. Keep it the shortest and the most precise as possible. For example : After staring at him for some moments, scrutinizing his sad face, the tears start to sparkle inside her wide eyes; it is clear that she finally figured out what happened.

In this first part of the sentence you repeated twice the same thing. After staring at him for a moment pretty much means the same thing than scrutinizing his face. Some moments, there’s more than one? Keep it to one, a moment, I notice that in a few place. Plus the last part of the sentence is not visual.

I would suggest rewriting this sentence like this : She scrutinizes his sad face, tears sparkle in her wide eyes as she figures it out.
Clear, direct, present tense, active verb, shorter and visual. So I think you pretty much got the point now, I’ll move on to my notes :P

P.7 as Daniel has already been through this before. (No need to tell us, we know it we just read it, moreover, again something not visual)

P.11 She hanged up the phone on him, desperately sat on the nearest chair, dropped her head on her hands and started to cry. (This is a dialogue but yet looks like an action line. I think someone would usually just say, she started to cry or she cried).

P.12 Suddenly, Daniel holds a PASSER’s arm.
DANIEL (CONT’D)
(to the passer)
Excuse me sir, do you have any idea
when will this rain stop?
THE PASSER
(mocking)
What rain?!

This part looks a little weird. Since when does people stop someone on the street to ask when will the rain stop? I get the reason why you did it but you should find another way to show it.

P.13 I don’t buy it. I think if someone is after him to kill him, he would do anything to keep his daughter out of this and now they’re telling her the top secret project just like that.

The dialogues of the characters aren’t distinct. Daniel and Albert look the same in their dialogue and Mia sometimes looks like a teen while sometimes we can hear a child. Giving your character their own voice will increase your work a lot! I know it’s not easy, I struggled with that too (as a lot of writer does). The Cyclone is a little weird, I understand it’s his personality, but around page 20, we should know his personal motivations, who is he really, what’s his story or at least have a clue about why does he wants to help them and then he tells them he’s gonna kill them after it’s done. Why? Now would be a good time to tell us. Also at this time it would be a good thing to explain what exactly the drug is. We know it controls the mind, but how? How did they found this? Who are the guys after them? Many questions remain unanswered.

The cut from present to past is confusing, maybe because we always feel the scenes aren’t complete and we already jump to the future. It’s okay for the first pages but it gets exhausting as the story goes on. Maybe state what you have to state like this for the first 10 pages but then stay in the same period of time, at least for more than one page.

The explanations at the end are confusing and long. I think for something that complex, you should make the explanations as clear as possible. Shorten the dialogue and make it clearer because I didn’t understand anything.

The last page is wrong. You can’t write this: If you went with the scenario that says that Amanda was killed and that Mia wasn’t killed with her, then this is the real Mia. She is wearing a single glove on her left hand. She promised Daniel that she’ll stay inside till he comes for her and she kept her word and never left the bookstore from the beginning. The Cyclone tricked everyone; Daniel, Albert, Arthur, and Arthur’s men. The girl wasn’t kidnapped from the beginning, and all of them died kidnapping and searching for a fake girl.

The audience won’t read the script so how will they know that? How does this show on screen? Plus you can’t give the choice of the ending. You need to give them a clear ending.

Overall there’s a lot of notes and work to do but once you solve all these issues, you have a great story and don’t see it the wrong way. These are just technicalities and easily fixed, story wise I have nothing to say it’s really good. So don’t give up and keep working on your stuff.
 

Billy of the Angels, Vernon's 8th Draft

4 out of 5 people found the following review helpful:

With a little work on the structure and character this could be really good.

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
May 26, 2011
In the beginning, I thought it was weird that Amber felt so confident about the space ship. She said nothing tried to hurt me. But it’s still okay if you make her as a courageous character. But now on page 6 she’s the scared one and Billy is the courageous one…

P.7 This is an example of something I noticed all along the script.
The two appendages above the little dome hold clothing. It places a blue skirt, blue shorts, and two t-shirts on the table.
Amber looks at the robot then the clothing.
AMBER
Clean clothes.
Technically, the action line is enough. We don’t need Amber to state that it’s clean clothes or even Billy to go on with I think it wants us to get cleaned up. We understand it all just with the action. I think it could tighten the story and fasten the pace if you would delete that kind of dialogue.

I think that generally Amber and Billy could have a more childish dialogue. If I wouldn’t have read that they are 10, I wouldn’t know. They speak like adults, they don’t fight like all kids do, they even think very rationally for kids who should be more subjected to their emotions.

P.8 AMBER
Be careful Billy. That knob makes it go crazy.
Billy looks at a little joy-stick like knob on the right-side arm rest of the seat.
BILLY
You mean this knob?
AMBER
Yeah. I touched it. Stuff went all scary and crazy.
This could be a fun detail to actually see. Like in the beginning before Billy joins her we this happening and then the only thing she needs to say on page 8 is : be careful Billy. That knob makes it go crazy. We will remember why she says that and put a smile on our face.

A lot of details like that could be more visual. Like Billy’s mom for example. Why didn’t we see it happen instead of Billy telling the story?

AMBER
Oh no, Billy. What if they’re alien monsters?
Why does she worry about it only at p.11? I think they both should worry about it as soon as they get on the space ship. Moreover, just a suggestion but it would be cool if all along they would be followed by the shadow of an alien of something that let us know they’re not alone on the space ship. It could actually get us to really worry about them.

P.12 AMBER
It's so big and pretty, but no people. Maybe some big bad thing ate the people.
Why not just this last sentence? (Maybe some big bad thing ate the people.) The first part seems too on the nose and we don’t need to be told this. It doesn’t reflect her emotions or informs us of something we didn’t know. Just the last sentence would put the emphasis on that feeling of fear she should feel.

P.15 Kinda unreal. They’re child and they should be terrified or at least hesitant, especially if a thing that they never seen before approaches with tweezers.
BILLY
Buzz seems friendly and brings us food. Let’s do what it wants.

Buzz touches the blood speck with a tiny golden frog-egg like sphere.
BILLY
I see images from Buzz. Oh wow!
Maybe this would be better shown in a flash or something. Just hearing him say it is not really fun. And also, how does he react? Beside the dialogue, what’s his expression, what’s his gesture?

BILLY
Yeah; I can see what you see.
AMBER
And feel what you feel.
Again this would be better if shown than told.

P.37 Think it misses a word?
ELLIE
I’ll go with.

I noticed small formatting mistakes in the following pages. No big deal it’s probably due to the rtf conversion. P.46, 51, 53, 54, 103. Also at a few places Arlene is Arline. Like page 96

P.52 and 53 the boobs and but talk feels a little awkward especially with a 10 years old young girl. And I wonder how does it really serve the story?

Also it’s a little long to see where the story goes. What is the purpose of your characters, why is this all happening? Maybe state this a little earlier or let us some lead so that we understand there’s something coming.

Overall I think you get the point and there’s no need to mention all the unvisual things I’ve read. I think the rest is just fine. Like I said, give a little more flesh to your characters. Give them their own distinct personality, because right now they’re too much alike. And show us what we should see, don’t say it. I think beside those two small details, you have a great story, original and fun to follow. I read Iron Moon Angels but didn’t remember so much of it so it was a little bit of a test to see if I could understand it all if I wouldn’t have read the first one and I did, so good job! Liked the ending too :)
 

Favorite Movies

Ever after
Avatar
Marley and me
The myst of avalon
The mummy 1 and 2
 

Influences

J.K Rowling
As a writer, she's a lot like me and I can identify to her when she says that the stories she writes become her life and the characters she creates become real to her.
 

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