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Title Average Rating Downloads Date
Created

America's Ben Franklin in: The Electrocution String Paul's 1st Draft (Script 78)

No rating
19 01/31/12

Reviews Paul Has Written

The Conference, Matthew's Original Draft

2 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

very well crafted

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
September 07, 2011
To be honest I’m kind of two minds about this script. On the one hand I really like the way you wove together the visions, flashbacks, and present day events of the conference. I also liked the way you thematically tied the talks given at the conference into overall action of the script, as well as the ambiguity of the ending. On the other hand, with the exception of the little girl, Jenny, I found all of the characters to be so unhappy, or so selfish that it was hard to regard them with anything other than distaste. The gruesomeness of some of the visions, particularly the first one in the airport and the later one in the weight room only added to this feeling. I guess what it comes down to is that while I can appreciate the thought and craft that went into this script, it’s just not something I really have a taste for.

Premise: It’s a cool idea. When I first read your logline I thought it might be more of a straight up horror movie, but you definitely worked in a lot of psychological drama.

Story Structure: I thought the structure of the overall story worked really well. At first I was kind of wondering where you were going with all of the flashbacks, but then you pulled it all together at the end. One thing I did notice as I was reading the script is that you seem to give a lot of insignificant characters proper names. I did a quick count and found that over twenty characters in your script have proper names. When you introduce characters and give them names it signals to the reader that these people are important to the story, yet some of these characters (John, Liz) only have a single line of dialogue, and others (Drew, Amanda) only appear in one scene and are never actually referred to by name in the dialogue. Given that your script is already a complex weave of flashbacks and visions, I think you might be able to improve the flow and make it easier on your readers if you drop some of these names.

Character: I thought Jenny was really well written. A lot of times writers get tripped up trying to write small children, but I think you hit the nail on the head. I had a hard time liking Jer. He’s a guy who had a great business idea and great relationship in his youth, but now finds himself in an unhappy marriage with a dead end job in dying industry. On his way to a convention, he’s either planning to cheat on his wife or strongly desires to, as we can see from the vision he has on the plane. Madeliene is an interesting Femme Fatale, and Christophe is something of a cipher. I did find it a little strange that Jer wasn’t pissed that Christophe would have Madeliene bring him to Christophe’s room when he was in the middle of what could have been a medical emergency.

Dialogue: To me the dialogue was really the standout part of the script. I really liked the way that the tech guru’s talk about games ties into Ted and Raj’s social game, and that in turn ties into the climax. I’ve been to these sorts of business conventions before, and I think you really nailed the tone they take. So often at those sorts of things you find yourself in a room full of kool-aid drinkers who you’d think had shown to do nothing but flatter one another. And when you wander outside you find the cynics puffing away on cigarettes. Madeliene’s explanation at the end was great to. The fact that the explanation itself is a little incredible really makes you question whether they are vampires.

Emotion: The tone throughout is dark, which for a script about a man losing his mind it should be.
 

Taken Hostage, Jim's Original Draft

0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Very suspenseful

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
September 06, 2011
Premise: The great thing about the premise is that it’s easy to convey through trailers or advertising, but it’s complex enough that it doesn’t suggest obvious answers or solutions. It hooks you and makes you wonder what will happen next.
Story Structure: I like the way the script starts with what seems like just another day in Sarah’s life, and then lets us watch as it turns into a nightmare. From there to the end I thought you did a great job maintaining the tension and building suspense. One little thing that did occur to me is that it would be kind of cool if you wove the scene where Donny put the gun to Mark’s head into the money drop sequence that comes right before it. Just a thought.
Character: Sarah is a great character and she really anchor’s the script. At the beginning she’s a single mom struggling to make ends meet, and by the end she’s an action hero constantly thinking in order to stay one step ahead of the cops and the kidnappers. I found her transformation to be believable and incredibly entertaining. I also really liked the fact that it turns out that Masters had hired a PI to find Mark. I think it’s really cool that it turned out that he’s a lot more caring than you would think at first.
Dialogue: A lot of the dialogue is really down to earth and I think that’s exactly what this kind of story needs. It really lends itself to the idea that Sarah is a regular person who has been thrust into an unbelievable situation. I also really liked the lines of questioning that Agent Cooper takes with Sarah. It really builds the tension.
Emotion: I thought the overall tone of the script and the emotional responses of the characters were solid.
All in all, I really enjoyed it. If you’ve got the time, I’d love to know what you think of my script, NOT ANOTHER DAY. http://studios.amazon.com/scripts/9225
 

Impaler's Gold, Corinne's Original Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

a cool mix of malice and mirth

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
September 04, 2011
Premise: You've combined Screwball comedy with elements of horror, and it makes for a great mix of malice and mirth. however, with all the impalings I kind of suspect it would end up being R instead of PG-13.

Story Structure: I thought the opening was good. the scene of Vlad in prison was a nice hook, and filip's ride through the forest of bodies was really creepy. you might want to explain a little better how Vlad went from sitting in a Turkish prison to ruling Wallachia. from Filip and Antonio's meeting in the bar right up till the last few pages I thought the structure was really solid. The ending, however, seemed a bit rushed. I thought you could of possibly hinted at what Felix, Archimedes and Stephan were planning to do.

Character: Vlad is a cool Villain, and I liked the reveal that Oana is actually his daughter. I also liked the way Stephan took almost everthing literally. Antonio and Filip struck me as being somewhat interchangeable. They're both sarcastic rogues with an eye for the ladies. They're both just smart enough to get themselves into a lot of trouble, and just lucky enough to get themselves out. A lot of buddy movies work because the protagonist are oppposites (Big Lebowski, Lethal Weapon).

Dialogue: The humor works, and I feel like you have a strong comedic voice, but I also feel like the voices of the individual characters could stand to be more unique.

Emotion: The tone was surprisingly light hearted given some of the darker imagery. I liked it.
 

Revenue Management, Neal's Original Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Very Unique Idea

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
September 01, 2011
Premise: It’s really unique. I’ve never seen a movie that mixes in parts of another movie quite like this, and while I could see some people reacting differently depending on whether they’ve seen, or how they feel about Vanilla Sky, for me it definitely worked.

Story Structure: Opening with the scene from Vanilla Sky seems a bit risky. We don’t meet Ned till the bottom of page five, and even then he’s in a scene that strongly resemble’s Vanilla Sky. I thought this was somewhat disorienting, and I think it could really confuse some people. From page seven on I think the structure works really well. The scene where Ned beats the DUI is really a standout. You set it up perfectly.

Character: I like Ned and Kalli a lot. I like D. Ann as well, but I found her last scene on the roof with Ned and Tamira to be a little confusing. Up until that point it had seemed like D.Ann was the villain while Tamira was attempting to save Ned. Yet, on the roof it seems like it’s D. Ann who is trying to wake Ned up and Tamira who’s trying to keep him asleep. Perhaps I’m missing something. Thomas Cruz is a cool idea.

Dialogue: I really enjoyed Kalli talking Ned into driving them home.

Emotion: Overall I thought you hit the right notes in terms of the character’s emotions and the tone of the script. I really liked the first scene in the office, as well as Ned and Kalli’s first date. However, there were two scenes where I thought Ned’s reactions seemed odd. The first scene is the one in the hospital when Gregory tells Ned that Kalli died in the accident. Considering that Ned thinks the accident is his fault, it seems odd to me that in a matter of moments he goes from saying “It can’t be possible” to asking when he’s going to get to go home. The other scene where I thought Ned had a strange emotional response was the one where he returns to his office after getting out of Post-Hospitalization. I found this scene odd not only because Ned seems so nonchalant about returning to work for the people who have been drugging him for days, but also because he has to be reminded about the fact that he killed the girl he loved in a drunken accident – a girl he’ll be desperately searching for two scenes later.

I saw your post inviting other people to make changes, and while I don’t have time at the moment to write a draft, I do have a couple of ideas for changes that I could share if you’re interested.

Overall I thought it was a great read!
 

Favorite Movies

Fargo, Smiles of a Summer Night, Night of the Hunter, Rashomon, Human Nature, The Wicker Man
 

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