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Title Average Rating Downloads Date
Created

ZvG: Zombies Vs Gladiators Chris's 1st Draft (Script 122)

No rating
19 08/31/11

Reviews Chris Has Written

A Nickel in Time, Tim's Original Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Back to the Future for Stoners

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
December 20, 2011
A Nickel in Time knows it's high concept and stoner-appealling. It's story is predictable and it's characters flat, but that's not much a problem for this genre. For these reasons, I don't usually watch movies from this genre, but I did stick with the script.

The script goes beyond paying obligatory homage to Back to the Future and borrows plot right from the movie. One of the things that struck me about the premise is that the time traveling sets the action in our present day. When I think time travel in movies, movies like Hot Tub Time Machine, Idiocracy, and of course Back to the Future, they're set in our past/future and this is key to the comedy. It's fantasy, it's fun to think of all the cool places we could time travel to, but time travel to the present?

Nickel ends up in our world where he can comically misinterpret our ways of life. Problem is, we have no familiarity with his frame of reference, what he finds amusing we know to be amusing to him because he is from some fictional cliche vision of the future.

Setting the action in the present does allow our present to be parodied. However this gets old kinda quick when the same jokes are made over and over again, namely those about money. Yeah the money is different, that's got to be a pretty unremarkable thing compared to everything else. I did like the part where fare cab being inexpensive was juxtaposed with the tremendous expense of college.

I suppose a script like can take all kinds of licenses with plot and characters, but the jokes and dialogue need improving. I chuckled here and there, but the comedy wasn't really sustained to the level I thought it needed to be. I did enjoy the taxi cab ride and the way the bleach was revealed to be rum.

Terry the Secretary (that has a nice ring to it, no?) was a pretty decent minor character. How come we never meet her deformed self in 2060? I thought Higgs had some good moments too. Nickel wasn't particularly convincing as the leading man. I also was bothered by his dueling motivations, depending on the moment either being focused on getting back to his present day or getting his script accepted.

A general problem area in the script occurs when the action moves to the Hodge Podge. From pages 70-84, the jokes cease and the plot is advanced in a tediously predictable fashion. Also why was the de-finning of a shark included? It seemed extraneous, like more material to pad this side journey. It wasn't like either Manny or Old Man Hodges was interesting or personable. All that so we could come to the meteorite, as we were expecting to.

All in all, not a bad effort. I think first and foremost it needs better gags.

Best,
Chris
 

ZvG: Zombies Vs Gladiators, Lauri's 1st Draft

2 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Vast improvement on the original, needs more restructuring

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
August 29, 2011
The obvious:

The formatting is proper, the descriptions vivid.

Pros:

I like the husband and wife dynamic between Flavius and Lavinia. The fact that they are both villains in their own way and antagonists.

A lot of juicy lines such as the Bokor's explanation about wanting to visit Rome.

Flavius as the zombie in control. I like his bleeding of the guard, his pet dwarf, his reattaching his hand. All very nice touches.

Cons:

Blending of mythologies. Personally, I don't care for it. It was in the original, it's in a lot of subsequent drafts, but I think that roman mythology has such depth that it's a mistake. Or maybe the fact that you miss-mash cultures is a nice reflection of this gladiator/zombie genre hybrid.

Titus' backstory is poorly revealed in a simple asked and answered format. It's also inconsequential to who he is as a character.

Lavinia. While I have praise for her, the rape scene is a big gamble. I also thought it was unnecessary and coincidental to have her need to pick up a will from the senate. Moreover, see my comments on Act III.

Salt & a weak riddle. It's been alluded to before in the comments. Not a terrible solution, but it may be too arbitrary. You do make mostly good use of it later though.

The baby emperor. He's a major part of Act I, appears again in Act II, but plays no significant role in Act III. Although a symbol of the Flavius/Lavinia and Lavinia/Titus relationships, he seemed superfluous.

Act III. I think things really start to come apart when Titus and Daria show up in camp on page 89. All of a sudden, you're villain becomes very very accommodating: allowing them to test their cure, not burn the city down, not forget the face of a dead gladiator. All of a sudden her only concern is covering up her crime when she's in the clear.

Speaking of in the clear, I figured Titus was as well-- happily married, freed, bag full of gold. I think you explain his motivation in one line I'll surmise: I'll fight for these people because they cheered for me in the arena. I don't buy that as motivation! Maybe make reference to saving Herrman because that's shockingly weak!

I also didn't care for the Zombie Herrman-Titus fight where they make a wager with Flavius. What does he care if Titus serves him for? Very little of that scene made much sense to me.

Overall, probably the best script I've really read so far. But I think it could use considerable revising.

Best,
Chris
 

ZvG: Zombies Vs Gladiators, --'s 2nd Draft

5 out of 5 people found the following review helpful:

ZVG Rewrite. Different dialogue, similar characters and story.

Overall Recommendation:
2 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
July 18, 2011
It's apparent that you have your own vision of ZVG and weren't afraid to retool the story and change the dialogue as you saw fit. These actions are certainly warranted.

I liked your Titus better. I also thought you had some very suitable quips.

However you made many of the same mistakes that the original makes. You better incorporated Titus' backstory, which is essential for the script to work. However plainly making Titus any enemy of the emperor is cliche, not to mention somewhat unnecessary as conflict between Flavius/Titus didn't seem to be a major point after the first act. I may have missed something, but Titus motivation to fight to save Rome in the second half of the script was lacking. I suggest changing the backstory to make his loyalty to Rome sensible.

Another problem is your villain. He's quite verbose. He and his organization remind me of Ra's al Ghul of Batman Begins. The idea behind the organization is okay I guess, but his wordy dialogue is really out of place because he has no business sharing any of that with Titus. And he only has a small part in the script.

I would suggest rethinking each of the secondary characters in script. For one, Titus seems to inspire universal loyalty (i.e. Lucius, Max the slave, the young man of the order). This makes his band rather uninteresting. Here's the problem that needs addressing in your script and this genre mashup in general. Gladiatorial movies tend to have an unquestioned leading hero figure which inspires the group (e.g. Sparatcus, Maximus). However in Zombie flicks, the group leader is challenged by his/her diverse group- think of the bands and their leaders in Shaun of the Dead, Dawn of the Dead, 28 Days Later. So, at some point, everyone can't be happily following Titus. Some measure of internal strife has to be essential and is shockingly absent. The only antagonistic force truly opposing Titus are the mindless zombies themselves, which is insufficient.

Best,
Chris
 

Favorite Movies

Shawshank Redemption. Pulp Fiction. Fight Club. The Godfather. LOTRs.
 

Influences

Christopher Nolan. David Fincher. Darren Aronofsky. Andrew Niccol. Stanley Kubrick.
 

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