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Submitted Work

Movie Projects

Scripts

Title Average Rating Downloads Date
Created

Red Flag, White Lotus Michael's Original Draft (Script 1)

3.0 stars
(1)
35 06/27/11

About

After spending more than a decade in military and government service, I have fallen in love with the world of visual storytelling. It's a powerful way for me to creatively relay my unique experiences and point of view. I'm drawn to those stories that comment on the central dilemmas and contradictions in our modern lives (i.e. man vs. technology or duty to family or country). I also look for those hidden worlds or histories that offer the most ripe environments to test character in the most entertaining ways.
 

Reviews Michael Has Written

Argent Blast!, WK's Original Draft

0 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Wasn't for me.

Overall Recommendation:
2 stars
 
Premise:
2 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
July 19, 2011
I will say upfront that I am most probably not in the target audience of this script. This might make for an unique and compelling anime feature, but as I'm not a huge fan of that genre, most of the power of ARGENT was lost on me.

The writer has a very clear image of what the story is and it is very visually written. I think, however, more time needs to be spent on developing the characters in order for the audience to better understand the journey upon which Argent and his friends are about to embark.

Concept. I guess my biggest hang-up with the concept is the double-mumojumbo effect. In Pixar's A BUGS LIFE, it was easy to connect with the characters because they 1.) very human-like in emotions and actions and 2.) were bounded by the normal rules of nature. In ARGENT, the addition of supernatural powers makes for too far of a leap for me.

Story Structure. To me, the story seemed to be moving from battle to battle without much time for to build up anticipation or relish in the resolution of the last battle. Act breaks were tough to find. Not sure what was the inciting incident or what debate the hero underwent before the journey.

Character and Emotion. I had trouble connecting with the characters or building a rooting interest. More time is needed to make them more human-like in their drives and motivations so that it is accessible for a wider audience.

Dialogue. I felt was too on the nose and didn't allow for subtext.

Again, probably not the best reviewer for this piece. I do see the power in the unique brand of storytelling. I just think that to connect with more mainstream audiences, some significant work lies ahead.
 

TALKING SHOP, Johnnie's Original Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Not Ready for Primetime

Overall Recommendation:
1 stars
 
Premise:
2 stars
 
Story structure:
1 stars
 
Character:
1 stars
 
Dialogue:
1 stars
 
Emotion:
1 stars
 
June 30, 2011
Sorry guys. This script needs a page 1 rewrite.

I normally try to finish every script to see if it can pull itself out of a spin. And looking at your logline, I was intrigued and hopeful when I started. In this case, however, I couldn't get past p.35.

I think the script has some cool aspects and a Tarantino feel to it. But if the goal is to judge it on its prospects for a major motion picture, the script - as written - falls short.

Key problem areas:

Structure: What I read felt very episodic and did not carry a narrative thread that could capture the audience. I was looking for some type of inciting incident, suggestion of theme, or any other remnants of a three act structure. Couldn't find them. As a result, I felt the screenplay wasn't building toward any central plot.

Character: Need some character descriptions as they are introduced. Doesn't need to be exhaustive, but male/female, look or perhaps and essence statement or action that the reader can lock onto and picture. We meet a lot of characters quickly and it's tough to keep them straight. Who is the protag? The antag?

Overwriting, Underwriting, Passive writing: You have all three. And it starts with the first sentence:
EXT. CITY -NIGHT
A car with ALBERT, RAFA being driven by TONY barrels down the *
street while being chased by two other cars filled with thugs *
shooting at them.

Passive voice. Long sentence. Lack of visual specificity or impact.

Technical Stuff: Dump the CUT TO:'s. Not needed in specs and will cut your page count down. Needs a good brushing up on grammar and punctuation.

Keep working. Take a look at some similar spec scripts and take another crack at it.
 

QUICKSAND, Lisa's Original Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

A Solid Start

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
June 28, 2011
With great humility, I submit this review.

Generally, I thought that this was a solid effort. There are some areas that can be improved, but I think there is plenty of good stuff from which to build on.

The fundamental building blocks of intention and obstacle for the characters and scenes is there. There are some ticking clocks which help push the action and raise the stakes. And the structure leaves me feeling like I’ve seen a movie – although I would make some slight adjustments in the pacing.

If I had to compare it to something, I would say it reminded me of an urban Adventures in Babysitting or Date Night.

Some areas for improvement:

Overwriting. I share this habit, so I readily admit to throwing stones from my glass house. The writer could use another pass to pare down some of the action lines – eliminating “-ly” words, unfilmables, “is..-ing”, “starts to,” “just”, etc. It slows down the read with little value.

Rooting interest. Once I reached the mid-point of the script I went back to re-read the beginning to see if I missed something that would make me want to root for the kid. Certainly, I can relate to being a teenager without money (but lacks little), who wants the girl. But I think there needs to be more there in the first act that doesn’t necessarily justify his actions, but gives it more extenuating circumstances.

Some clunky or on the nose dialogue. There are some spots where the dialogue slips into expository or trite TV dialogue. Another pass or two focused on infusing more subtext could alleviate it. Some examples:

(p. 35)
JADEN (CONT’D)
(smooth)
You think you can handle me?
BRIANA
(smoother)
I can handle you just fine.

(p.53)
BIG DOG
Okay. I believe you, kid. You get
it and bring it back right after we
close. Got it?

(p.51)
JADEN
(near tears)
Well, I’m not. I feel like I’m
sinking in quicksand. The harder I
try to climb out the deeper I sink
in.

On the last, I’d stay away from the explaining the title through dialogue. Like the Hurt Locker – no one ever explained the title. I felt it was a cool touch and didn’t let the audience off the hook.

Passive Protag in Act 3. One of my biggest concerns was how Jayden almost slips away, leaving Sydney to drive the action to the end. I wanted to see Jayden solve the problem and confront the primary antagonist. Might require a significant rewrite, but will pay off in future drafts.

Scope. Might be a difficult task, but think about condensing the timeline even further into perhaps a day and a night. Will add more to the stakes.

I would definitely read future drafts. Best of luck on the project.
 

Favorite Movies

Ronin
Usual Suspects
Groundhog Day
Heat
Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Training Day
Bad Boys (I know)
 

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