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Scripts

Title Average Rating Downloads Date
Created

ZvG: Zombies Vs Gladiators David's 2nd Draft (Script 107)

No rating
12 08/31/11

ZvG: Zombies Vs Gladiators David's 1st Draft (Script 39)

2.0 stars
(2)
20 08/23/11

Reviews David Has Written

Mr. Malcolm's List, Suzanne's Original Draft

4 out of 4 people found the following review helpful:

Great dialog but not fully realized visually

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
August 23, 2011
I like period pieces, so I was excited to find one here at Amazon Studios. There is good and bad about this draft of the script and as I was deciding what I wanted to write about it, I realized this is what a friend of mine refers to as a “good butt” story – as in “That’s good, but - it needs…”

So let me start with the one exception to that rule which is the dialog. The characters voices are very strong here and accurately (enough for me anyway) capture a sense of Jane Austen’s England. The formality, the sense of restraint, even the condescension of certain characters, are all well defined. As this is a screen adaptation from the novel by the same author, a published author at that, I would expect no less.

Which is where I get to the troubled spots. Starting with the observation that the story reads like a stage play. There are many, many pages of people walking and talking, or sitting and talking. The first three pages only contain four actions, and two of them are ‘he turns…’ In fact, nobody does much of anything other than talk for the first hundred pages. Not that they have to do much, but they must be doing something. Perhaps ‘He stares off into space’ or ‘He thinks about that for a moment’ - visual queues. As an aside, there are several of these queues in parentheticals that I prefer to see as actions. That, though is a matter of personal style.

I also had trouble identifying the protagonist. We start with Malcolm and Cassidy who are important characters, but not the lead. Then we get Julia five pages in. She must be the lead. No, she’s more of the antagonist. Maybe Selina, when she shows up numerous pages later. But no, she is so submissive to Julia that she can’t be the protagonist – except of course, that she is. Maybe we don’t need so much back story, or possibly we discover why Selina is so submissive, or perhaps Julia doesn’t act as if she is twelve. The story just meanders a bit at the beginning. I felt it didn’t really start until after about a dozen pages where Julia announces her scheme.

On the topic of Julia, she is described as in her early twenties though she acts twelve. Malcolm is obviously her first crush, and thus the first to reject her. She throws tantrums and plots revenge through such naïve and ill-conceived methods that they fall apart almost immediately. And how is it that everyone around her in polite society puts up with all of this? Even goes along with it? Her immaturity contrasted with Selina’s refinement could be – should be explored much deeper. To me it is more interesting than the plot devices.

As for the plot, after waiting so long for Julia's "evil" plan to be put into motion, I was surprised how quickly it fell apart. However, as I read on, I was pleased that it did not drag on. But it made me question why, after been exposed as a schemer, does Henry Ossory knowingly go along with another of Julia's plots to mislead their friends? And after all these games come to bad ends, why would Selina ever agree to pretend an engagement to Malcolm? Like the guy going into a dark room in a horror film after his flashlight has died, the audiance is yelling "No. Don't do that!" To be clear, I am not saying these points need to be changed, but with over two hours full of dialog, I was left wanting some deeper motivations.

Lastly, I don’t like the POVs and DISOLVE TOs. They don’t really belong in a spec script. And watch out for character names that evolve, like Lord Cassidy / Cassidy / Cassie. It's fine in dialog, but in actions it can get confusing. (On an unrelated note, I inadvertently read him as a dirty old man instead of young as described, which made his flirtations quite funny).

My hope is that all this does not sound extremely negative. This is a good first draft that has much potential. I hope it continues to evolve.
 

12 Princesses, Rob's Storyboard

0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Amazon, Make This Movie!

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
August 20, 2011
Let me just get the bad out of the way. The joke about the ho (hoe) - take it out. It is not funny and is inappropriate for a general audiance. A couple other words were questionable. Also, I had trouble hearing the bald suitor's dialog.

That's it. Really. I was amazed by this test movie. If I (still) had a preteen daughter, I would own this on DVD and have seen it dozens of times. It shares an audience with the Barbie and Tinkerbell series, but unlike those that I have struggled to get through, Rob Gardner's movie kept my attention all the way through. Days after I first saw it, the opening song was still stuck in my head. And I just watched it a second time today. And I'm thinking - where can I find a couple more hours to watch it again? Unbelievable!

Some reviews have suggested making it more pixar-ish (more robust and mature characters) or live action. I have to say absolutely NO. Rob knows his intended audience and with the exceptions mentioned above, he nails it in every way. Keep it fun, keep it animated.

One reviewer said don't bother, there is already a version of this made. Actually there are quite a few already. It happens. What's important is that there is a unique vision and a story that draws the audiance in. That's here. Look at how many good reviews there are compared to the bad. People don't rave about overdone material.

I've watched many excellent test films here on Amazon Studios, but none that deserved this high praise. I'm stunned that I'm saying this about a princess movie.

Congratulations Rob and cast!
 

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