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Submitted Work

Movie Projects

Scripts

Title Average Rating Downloads Date
Created

ZvG: Zombies Vs Gladiators Bard's 2nd Draft (Script 54)

2.5 stars
(2)
29 08/27/11

ZvG: Zombies Vs Gladiators Bard's 1st Draft (Script 50)

No rating
27 08/26/11

About

Script writing is new to me, so I'm here to learn, grow, and compete. I appreciate honest feedback, and encourage reviews on my work.

My aim in script writing is to refresh the familiar, take popular archetypes/conventions and put a new spin on them, shine a light on an angle not previously depicted. My intended focus is solid, dynamic storytelling with great care given to characterization and dialogue.

I have a million stories to tell, so I aim to be around for the long haul.

Non omnis moriar...
 

Reviews Bard Has Written

Original Soldiers Video 2 - Polished

4 stars
Shows enough to get the premise nailed down, leaves enough for the writer's imagination to take over.
December 09, 2011

Sawtooth, Justin's Original Draft

2 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

A Mixed Bag

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
October 01, 2011
Three kids go wandering in the woods... a pretty familiar theme. But at least this one has something I haven't really come across: Sasquatch. And depending whether that intrigues you or makes you laugh out loud, that will ultimately make or break this script.

The way this is structured instantly reminded me of the Blair Witch Project, which makes for cheap filming, but is instantly familiar, which counts against the film instead of for it. The first thing that ran through my mind is: a Blair Witch knockoff. The second: how long does the average camera battery last? I can't be sure, but the issue of recharging batteries for that camera didn't come up in my memory, definitely stretching the degree of reality, as they were in the woods for days.

The characters were so-so. I say that mainly because we get the Hollywood thing where the girl plays the guy, and the guys play girls for the most part. The girl beats up the bullies, carries the gun, takes out armed drug farmers (really stretching it on that one), wants to be a Navy Seal (which should be capitalized), etc. The guys don't do much except squeal, squirm, yelp, and panic. That would be fine for one of the guys, but to have both play the role seems unnecessary. Makes you want to hand them a Miller Lite and tell them to man up. The only nice touch was that Lynn was unexpectedly slaughtered. Didn't see that coming. I was also interested in what kind of parents would allow their teenage daughter to go on a camping trip with two guys. Alas, parents don't exist in this script.

The dialogue was refreshingly good. It sounded natural for the most part, and the bantering between the kids makes the story zip along. There is a lot of talking, and not much action until the end, so the script does a good job of making the characters likeable, even though the prissy guys annoyed me somewhat.

Emotionally, the script fails to deliver. It's hard to convey the proper emotions of fear and horror without the actually acting, but I found two major points where scenes fell a bit flat. The rather cliche encounter with drug farmers didn't seem to focus on the imminent danger when it should have. Kids encountering a situation where live guns are pointed at them should have been as terrifying as the Sasquatch encounter, but instead it feels conventional, especially when Lynn takes the criminals out... with a paintball gun. Un. Real. And the part where the humiliated thugs call off the chase because they're sure the kids won't be coming back? Groan inducing.

The second instance is when Lynn apparently dies. It's a nice touch to have her death off screen, but that scene should have had the boys pissing on each other and weeping like the girls they are. Lynn was the only one with guts, and now she's been bloodily slaughtered. I think the boys would have made a run for home right them, drug farmers be damned. It was a chance to really build up on some true terror, but the script doesn't take advantage. It becomes a horror film... without any real horror.

Bottom line: This is a hard sale, mainly because its chances mainly hang on the perception of Bigfoot horror. Bigfoot/Sasquatch is mainly played in the media for laughs (like the hilarious beef jerky commercials), and the script doesn't make the creatures monstrous or bloodthirsty enough to change that. The Blair Witch similarities wont' help, either. And lastly, this film feels like a PG-13, but with all the F bombs, it would have to be R-rated, which would kill any chances for commercial success. It simply isn't scary or gory enough for the R audience. I think the script needs to push one way or the other. With some tweaks, it could definitely be something entertaining.
 

Caliban, Brandon's 2nd Draft

3 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

A Tragedy Without the Tragedy

Overall Recommendation:
2 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
1 stars
 
September 30, 2011
Caliban has a decent enough premise: Lewis, an aspiring actor, gets his lucky break in a major Shakespearean play as the character Caliban, only to get into a near fatal auto accident that leaves him so severely disfigured that he can only play that character afterward. In fact, that's enough of a plot for an entire movie were the script to actually focus on the realistic impact of such an event.

But instead there's a psychopath on the loose.

And I'm not talking Lewis, who would have actually been more interesting as an unhinged scarred serial killer. Instead we get Bearing, a remorseless maniac who is introduced in the midst of a killing spree in a diner where he worked. Despite his lack of hurry, no police manage to show up to stop him. In this day of cell phones and instant messaging, that's a bit hard to swallow.

The lack of competent police allows Bearing to crash his Hummer full speed into Lewis as he's relaying the good news to his girlfriend, bringing up to MAJOR DISFIGUREMENT MODE.

And unfortunately, this is where the script falls completely flat. There's a brief scene where Lewis' best friend is torn up about the accident, but that's about all the emotion that's displayed for Lewis being ground into an almost exact replica of Two-Face.

It would have been something to explore the aftereffects of such trauma, but the script completely glosses over the incident. It is basically a plot point that takes the story in a certain direction, and pretty much nothing else. Candice, Lewis' girlfriend, doesn't seem fazed in the slightest. She is so supportive and loving about her man looking like living ground beef that she comes off as almost as manic as Bearing. And there's no time for Lewis to feel sorry for himself, because guess what: he's still got the part!

That's right, the director of the play is willing to put off production and rehearsal for all the months it takes Lewis to recover, because apparently NO ONE ELSE CAN PLAY THE PART. And why? Because no one else is disfigured like Lewis! Hooray! Now all Lewis has to do is learn how to walk again, and let his scars heal (but not too much), then it's off to wild applause, runaway success, and flirtation by makeup women who think it's hot to look like Frankenstein's monster. If it wasn't for the psychopathic killer, you'd think being maimed was the best chance for success on Broadway.

And that's the sad part. The script goes to great length to tie the story of Lewis and Bearing to Shakespearean tragedy, but misses on one point: there's no tragedy. Lewis' disfigurement only elevates him to fame, without a thought on the trauma and shame that would accompany such a major alteration.

Bearing is a one-dimensional killing machine, which is ok, but the attempts to humanize him come off as forced and awkward. The flashback where we learn his dad was a mother-murdering psycho seems unnecessary. We don't need to feel sorry for Bearing. It didn't work for Hannibal Lector, and it doesn't work here. After all the remorseless bloodshed, he's more interesting as a monster than a human being.

Candace is the character that I thought needed more work than Bearing. Aside from having absolutely no reaction to Lewis' disfigurement, her 'balls of steel' attitude severely detracts from the realm of realism. The incident in the bar where she slaps thugs around without any support from Lewis felt wrong on all accounts. I know that the point was to demonstrate how much of a 'ride or die' chick she is, but it came across as truly over the top. Her near-murderous rampage in the hospital didn't help much either.

Formatting: There's a few grammatical errors, but what stands out is the passive voice that pervades the script. Example:

9) Bearing is dressed in the man’s cloths.

10) He is also wearing a hat.

Which would be better as:

9) Bearing dresses in the man’s cloths.

10) He also wears a hat.

Eliminate all those 'is' lines, and the script will read better.

Bottom line: Caliban has an interesting premise that can work as a solid film with a script overhaul. If the focus is on the tragedy of these character's lives, then by all means shoot for tragic. Everything is too easy, which makes the plot seem contrived. The emotions that could have resonated instead don't exist, which in turn makes the characters paper thin.

The most interesting plot point was Bearing's obsession with Lewis' portrayal, but that doesn't happen until then end of the script. Until that point, Bearing has nothing to do except kill people, which isn't exactly original. I'd suggest finding a way to have the characters cross paths sooner, or at least start Bearing's obsession earlier in the script. There's definitely a story to be had here, if the writer would only dig deeper to find it.
 

The Conference, Matthew's Original Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Slow Burn, Flickering Finish

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
September 24, 2011
The Conference is both brilliant and frustrating in turns. The premise is rock solid: a man in the midst of a midlife crisis experiences a series of bizarre experiences while attending a social networking conference, which may or may not include vampires.

The delivery, however, is a bit rocky. There are so many flashbacks, dreams, and hallucinations that they appear almost convenient, a way of fleshing out a rather thin story. The pace is very slow, which seemingly appears to set the reader/viewer up for a big payoff, only to fizzle out in a somewhat anticlimactic manner.

Jer, the main character, is an intriguing one. He is obviously in crisis mode, a man with a once-promising career and marriage, who now spins his wheels uselessly. He appears to be a bit deranged as well, lost in a fantasy world that includes both sexual daring along with macabre acts of graphic violence. He is also the victim of bizarre dreams that involve speeding, possible drowning, and a strange possum creature that is sometimes dead. Yet at the same time he is a man fighting to remain connected with his wife and daughter, a saving grace that makes him all the more relatable.

The supporting characters are believable, and the dialogue solid. Marcia, his wife, is written without cliche, a pleasant surprise. The conversations have a realistic sound, and never bored me when reading.

Surprisingly, it's the character that should have a major impact that falls flat and brings the script almost to a standstill. It's the character Christophe, a major business player trying to recruit Jer. He is so ambiguous that he almost doesn't exist, a stereotypical 'mysterious rich guy' who talks about nothing with a smug grin and martini glass in hand. His recruiting conversations fall flat because it never seems as though he actually has an interest in Jer. A reason should exist for him to take such an interest in Jer, but nothing is ever provided. It's almost as though he selected Jer at random.

Madeliene is mysterious enough to be intriguing, but allure seems to be all there is to her as well. Since she and Christophe may be vampires, it makes sense for them to be different, but I found myself wishing for 'more' from their characters.

There is much that is not explained, which reasonably leaves the reader/viewer to decipher the meaning of Jer's journey. There's a lot of visuals which could be taken metaphorically, or delusions of a mind losing its hold on reality. Is Jer a man suffering from a life of routine and boredom, who indulges in fantasy to escape? Or is he a victim in a complex scheme to recruit and create future vampires? And what the hell does that possum creature have to do with anything? You won't get the answers, but maybe that's the point. It's still one hell of a mind trip getting there.

Bottom line: an intriguing, sometimes uneven story that never bores despite the deliberate pace. It's a completely different look at both suburban life, and vampire lore. With a few small tweaks, this could be a surprising sleeper hit.
 

Favorite Movies

Blade Runner, 2046, The Prestige, The Matrix, Inception, The Machinist, Gladiator, Last of the Mohicans, The Last Samurai, Braveheart, Road to Perdition, Se7en, Lord of the Rings, Hero, House of Flying Dagger, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Star Wars
 

Influences

Directors: Christoper Nolan, Ridley Scott, Micheal Mann, Spike Lee, Clint Eastwood, Guillermo del Toro, Peter Jackson, Kar Wai Wong, Zhang Yimou

Writers: Robert Jordan, Greg RR Martin, Walter Mosley, Robert Cormier
 

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