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My script and dialogue track and rewrite were Award Winners at Amazon Studios. They have since removed the badges as part of their website redesign.
@adeerLA
 
 
 
 

Submitted Work

Movie Projects

Videos

Title Average Rating Plays/
Downloads
Date
Created

America's Ben Franklin in: The Electrocution String Video 10 - Red (White & Blue) Band Trailer

2.3 stars
(24)
302 02/17/12

BEE WARS Video 4 - 3-D glasses teaser

4.2 stars
(13)
184 01/06/12

BEE WARS Video 3 - animation

5.0 stars
(2)
35 01/06/12

BEE WARS Video 2 - Family film new animation

4.4 stars
(5)
44 11/30/11

BEE WARS Video 1

4.0 stars
(3)
348 10/08/11

Scripts

Title Average Rating Downloads Date
Created

America's Ben Franklin in: The Electrocution String A. D.'s 1st Draft (Script 55)

No rating
28 01/30/12

BEE WARS A. D.'s 4th Draft (Script 4)

No rating
79 12/28/11

BEE WARS A. D.'s 3rd Draft (Script 3)

No rating
11 11/30/11

BEE WARS A. D.'s 2nd Draft (Script 2)

No rating
31 09/30/11

ZvG: Zombies Vs Gladiators A. D.'s 1st Draft (Script 106)

5.0 stars
(1)
30 08/31/11

BEE WARS A. D.'s Original Draft (Script 1)

5.0 stars
(7)
70 07/31/11

Test Movies

Title Average Rating Plays/
Downloads
Date
Created

BEE WARS Test Movie 5 - A. D.'s Final Cut animation & storyboard

No rating
124 12/29/11

BEE WARS Test Movie 4 - A. D.'s Test Movie New Re-edit

5.0 stars
(1)
485 10/31/11

BEE WARS Test Movie 3 - A. D.'s Animation and Storyboard

4.2 stars
(9)
469 09/30/11

BEE WARS Test Movie 2 - A. D.'s Animation Trailer

No rating
81 09/11/11

BEE WARS Test Movie 1 - Gregory's Test Movie Concept/ Proposal

No rating
156 08/21/11

Dialogue Tracks

Title Plays/
Downloads
Date
Created

BEE WARS Dialogue Track 1, featuring Michael Johnston as BUZZALOT AKA BUZZY

332 07/31/11

About

I write, I read, I sleep... not always in that order.

UCLA MFA
UTA Story Analyst
Film Marketing Analyst for studios

SCREENWRITING
Amazon Studios Semi-Finalist
Slamdance Finalist
Sloan Foundation Finalist
WriteMovies Finalist
Freidman Screenwriting Fellowship
Amazon Studios Winner
 

Reviews A. D. Has Written

BEE WARS Video 3 - animation

5 stars
July 05, 2013

The Alchemist Agenda, Marty's Low Res Motion Comic Feature

2 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Stunning!

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
December 06, 2011
Wow, this is really cool looking and clearly professional quality test film! I love all the little touches, stylistic choices which draw you into the story! It's a visual feast and visually stunning! I love deep sea type mystery movies with a broader discovery so I'm a sucker for this type of story. Amazing job! I don't have a ton to add but if I get chance to edit and put up a more through and detailed review I will. As far as test movies go -- it's a top notch execution visually and is quite dazzling! I also love the almost Tarantino-esque retro silhouette credit graphic. Those kinds of details are nice and fit the genre of the film. WOW. Fantastic work!
 

Whiplash, Lauri's Original Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Impressive & Compelling!

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
December 04, 2011
IMPRESSIVE

Absolutely awesome read. Really good work, Lauri. I was immediately drawn in and totally captivated. (Full disclosure: I also have a script on here with a female protagonist in the wild west! What is it about the west, girls and horses!?) At any rate – this read like a good novel – it just SPED along and zoomed. Also – masterful use of period locale & language/ wild west slang. Great job.

The biggest strength of this script is that it's a GREAT read -- it zipped along. I read the first 40 pages and plan on reading the rest (I'll amend my review if/when I do). That's no easy feat -- kudos on that.

Your biggest strengths here are characterization and dialogue. It's rock solid. I was totally drawn into the world, believed all the characters, the locale, the dialogue 100%. So clearly this is basically not in amateurland... in analyzing further:

----> My overall/biggest note is: I'd remember to keep the connection to the brother as he's not present in the story and REMIND the audience of Charlie's bond and connection to her brother so that we WANT her to get revenge.

I would say the biggest weak point might be a bit on structure or (lack of) a plot driver. Now that comes with a big "it depends." Because if you're doing a solid drama, coming of age, western type story -- you don't necessarily need to move the story along at a great clip. As it reads now, it's not slow, we're not bored at all but-- structurally it's drawn out. If you are doing a revenge type western, there are a few ways to fix your structure.

If you wanted to amend this, there are a few simple ways you could do it. One would to bring the "revenge goal" in sooner. Right now we get to it, Charlie starts to think about it, around page 34-36 and still doesn't have the specifics yet. Like I said, it's a genre thing and a stylistic thing if you wanted to ramp that up sooner. You could even hint at it the first time Frank meets Charlie in the barn at the orphanage. Or... maybe what I'm really saying is that -- we need to see the *development* of Charlie's NEED for revenge. Just a few callback moments would be effective: at night, she reads her brother's circled passeges in his beloved bible by candlelight; she holds onto his letter -- the last one she ever got -- as a treasured possession (you could even have her lose it when the coach tumbles and scramble to find it) -- this would give us more of a connection to her brother even though he's not present in the story. WE NEED TO UNDERSTAND HER WANT TO GET REVENGE.

This can also be accomplished by making us hate the villain, Ingram. By showing him somehow.
Although I don't like Finch (and I don't know if he comes into play later?) you might want to get rid of Mrs. Fletcher arranging her to work for him as a plot device. IS THIS A STRONG ENOUGH MOTIVE or the BEST motive? Might it not be better if getting revenge spurns her on to run away? Just a thought.

That's my biggest note: it's excellently done but we might need more of a throughline for the protagonists' motives to the plot -- that way we can have a sense that she's really striving and moving through the plot as opposed to just reacting or inhabiting the world. Not all protagonists have to be goal driven but in a "revenge" type structure -- we need to feel the need for revenge and see the development.

In short - Charlie's a GREAT character but needs to have a bit clearer motives propelling her through the story.

Again, this is to page 40 so if this turns into more coming of age and not revenge then the above may (or may not) apply, genre dictates a lot of the structural elements and changes.

One minor note: I’d like to see the “horrors” of sewing, at least to Charlie, and being stuck with “girls” work. There has to be a way to quickly show how incredibly monotonous and boring it would be to her. Whereas some girls may find it restful/peaceful and enjoy gossip, she can’t stand it. Then we’d feel when she’s assigned to work outside with the horses – her true nature – what a relief it would be for her and that even in tragedy there can be opportunity to change. Again, not anything that would take over the story or distract but just to play up that angle a bit. Just a thought.

Noted challenge: with westerns we've seen it all before so that is the biggest hurdle a writer faces -- making it compelling despite the fact that it's stereotypical really, despite our best efforts. Imho, you surpass that so that it's not even an issue, the characters are compelling.

GREAT READ.

GOOD JOB & GOOD LUCK!!!
 

Be Back by Sunrise, Justin's 2nd Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

HEARTFELT, MAGICAL, MYTHIC - WITH LOTS OF POTENTIAL TO BE DEEPLY MOVING!

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
December 04, 2011
HEARTFELT, MAGICAL, MYTHIC - WITH LOTS OF POTENTIAL TO BE DEEPLY MOVING!

The beginning is pretty heartfelt and you clearly are a competent writer. This is a heavy drama/ fantasy, at times may even be a bit melodramatic however you side-step this problem nicely and it reads heartfelt. The strengths are the premise – it has a TON of potential. I find it fascinating. I’d really work to dig a little deeper. My notes are through the first 20 por so ages so keep that in mind as some of the story issues may be fleshed out later in the script. Overall good job! I really like where you’re going with it. I do believe it would be even better with more development to the deeper, metaphorical and mythical layers.

Even by page 20, it begins to feel a bit repetitive without a clear sense of rising stakes so that it reads a bit episodic. She flies at night and hangs out with the birds. Since it’s such a magical premise and an interesting, mystical or mythical, idea – it needs to be exploited more – WAY MORE. It’s almost like the premise could make a mythical children’s picture book.

The myth of a child turning into a bird should feel somewhat magical, rather than getting bogged down in the reality. I know there is meaning galore here but for some reason I didn’t *FEEL* it as much as I wanted to. In other words – what’s at stake? What are the risks? The big question: WHY. This doesn’t need to be spelled out but needs to be sensed. Obviously it’s a connection to her recently killed father… but we need to *FEEL* that connection. There are a number of ways you can accomplish this. For example, instead of her father giving her the “doll with the acorn hat” and the necklace magically appearing -- her father could give her a necklace with a bird. Then the bird lights up and she flies. OR her father could give her a necklace and then one night – a bird lands on her windowsill, flies over to the necklace and turns into a bird charm on her necklace, etc. These are just off the top of my head but then when the fantasy/magical element happens – it’s more directly linked to her father and we feel that deep bond/connection. I am guessing you reveal this connection later but we need to feel it in the beginning.

Another missed moment or not fully exploited is visiting her father’s grave scene. It could be the perfect opportunity for her to notice a bird on his grave. I get into this in the notes below – but usually in a mythical story like this – there is some need – a deep inner psychological need for the child to turn into a bird and fly away at night. This becomes a STORY NEED – or your MAIN DRAMATIC QUESTION. In your story – that is HEALING. It is also DEATH. But more specifically – HOW DO WE STAY CONNECTED TO LOVED ONES WHO’VE DIED?

---> just thinking about this makes me teary eyed and I think your story has the potential to be deeply moving. Touching in a real way – offering a magical tale of how a daughter stays connected to her father. Maybe that bird sitting on the grave is her father? Again, I haven’t read the whole script so maybe you already get there but maybe all her nightly wanderings are trying to find her father… as a bird… and finally she does and they talk and she’s somewhat HEALED. These are just thoughts… but you can see where I’m going…

The point is – your story gets caught up in details but we lack a meaning or knowing really why we should care. The more connected you get to the mythical/mystical elements – which by that I mean the metaphor of the story – and the more we understand her connection to her dad – the more we will care about what happens.

When you have a soldier and his daughter and the solider leaving and dying, you run the risk of being maudlin/ heavy handed/melodramatic. You walk that line pretty well, I really liked the opening airport scene – it was heartfelt and I bought into it. Your writing style is good, clear and concise and you clearly have a good grasp. I would just dig a little deeper.

Without sounding too pretentious – your premise also offers the opportunity to deal in metaphor. A child who can “fly away like a bird” – literally -- is already heavily metaphoric. I wanted to feel the metaphor more… the moment of soaring and flying away and to get a sixth sense of why this is happening. As it reads now, for me, it’s a bit too (not completely) but a bit to mundane in describing it as if you want to get it “out of the way” to get on to the story. The first time it happens, we need to go with her and something symbolic, mystical, metaphorical but mysterious needs to happen. Something that she doesn’t understand but will piece together later.

I love your title and I think there’s deep layers here to mine – which is good because the premise of your story does not fall flat at all – but as a reader I want you to do the work of mining all those layers and then presenting the story to me in a magical, engrossing way so I can be entertained and drawn in to caring about the characters.

2 minor notes: look at your use of “lays” and “lies.” I am not a stickler for grammar or formatting (beyond the basics) but everyone has their peccadillos and it’s a common mistake and easy to fix. (Page 7 "lays" etc.).

The rhyming: I’m not sure about this choice. I find it limiting. I think characterization is better than rhyming and if every bird character rhymes it could get tiresome. I do like it in moments, so maybe just ONE of the birds rhymes or they only RHYME once or at night or something. I like that she picks up on it and brings it back home to the dinner table too.

Really solid work and interesting premise that would be fun to see and read it go further. As it stands, the first 20 pages are good; these are just impressions on how to take it even further. I also know that some of this may be resolved later in the script as well so keep that in mind.

Also – keep in mind that I don’t say it lightly that this is a premise with lots of potential. It’s difficult to create a compelling and original premise. You need to really dig deep, think about why you wrote this story, and its potential to HEAL others as well.

Good work! Good luck!
 

Favorite Movies

I love everything from classic films, film noir, to great sci-fi, great thrillers, great animation and screwball hijinks comedies.
 

Influences

Apatow
Phillips
Spielberg
Cameron
Payne
Lucas
Lasseter
Capra
Hitchcock
Sofia Coppola
Coen Bros
Alexander Payne
JJ Abrams
Bigelow
Ephron
Meyers
 

Following

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