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Reviews Robert Has Written

Roadtrip Sex Party, Jerry's Original Draft

3 out of 7 people found the following review helpful:

I bet this wins!

Overall Recommendation:
1 stars
 
Premise:
1 stars
 
Story structure:
1 stars
 
Character:
1 stars
 
Dialogue:
1 stars
 
Emotion:
1 stars
 
August 16, 2011
Based on what Amazon seems to be looking for, this is a SHOE IN!

As a script though, it is the worst piece of writing I have ever seen. Juvenile and not funny.
I would try to give some constructive criticism, but it's hard to even think of ways to make this baseless, junior high school humor work.

Enjoy the grand prize!
 

Corp. Co., Darryl's Original Draft

2 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

A bit derivative... I'm guessing you like "THE OFFICE" series?

Overall Recommendation:
2 stars
 
Premise:
1 stars
 
Story structure:
1 stars
 
Character:
1 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
1 stars
 
August 16, 2011
First 2 pages I kept waiting for your other characters to do something funny as they are introduced - but all they did was get a glass of water. This is your opportunity to show the tone of the rest of the script. Maybe some sort of elaborate gag? Or it's really booze in the watercooler?

DARRYL
Yeah, you are just a male secretary anyway.

CHARLES
(exasperated)
I’m an OFFICE MANAGER!

No, I'm assistant TO the office manager. WAAAY too derivative.

The reaction to the guy hanging himself with paper clips could have led to a good joke... but it didn't.
Like: What?! Why paper clips? Well, he tried with rubber bands... not one of our brighter hires...

From here on out it just sort of meanders (like the Boss Mr. D).
All the characters seem to have the same 'voice' in the conversations - and the banter goes on for a bit too long.

In short I think your office clowns need to have a mission from the get go. Something they are plotting -something big and stupid. Maybe they learn they're going to lose the Simba contract in the first 3 pages. And then the humor can come from their feeble attempts at success, not just discussing Star Trek. As it stands, it's all a bit of sketches tied together. Don't get me wrong - some of the humor is there, just not linked together.
 

America's Ben Franklin in: The Electrocution String, Jason's 3rd Draft

17 out of 23 people found the following review helpful:

What the.... this is TERRIBLE and offensive.

Overall Recommendation:
1 stars
 
Premise:
1 stars
 
Story structure:
1 stars
 
Character:
1 stars
 
Dialogue:
1 stars
 
Emotion:
1 stars
 
August 15, 2011
How did this ever win? Or get read past page 3?

What a total slap in the face to the decent writers on this site.
 

Dog Whistle, want to 's Original Draft

1 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

Seems a bit too familiar...

Overall Recommendation:
2 stars
 
Premise:
2 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
August 15, 2011
Evan Almighty - 2007
Bruce Almighty - 2003
Oh God - 1977

Also, the story needs to be bigger. God telling someone to endorse a candidate doesn't seem like a big enough deal.

Harry isn't really a different man after "meeting God" - seems like this would change the way a person would act and talk, no? And just a guess, but for the BETTER? Harry seems to get nastier.

The majority of the script revolves around Harry preparing to make his speech. That's a lot of pages with not a lot happening.

One last major note, it didn't read as a comedy. Did you mean to list it in the comedy section?
 

Almost Da Vinci, J.W.R.'s 2nd Draft

0 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Great concept - quirky, offbeat humor.

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
August 15, 2011
Some really funny stuff in there. Nice work.
 

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