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Reviews Martin Has Written

The Umpire, Matthew's Original Draft

0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Road to redemption of more then just a non-nice guy

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
September 19, 2011
I keep it simple:
i like everything except .... Rob.

Of course he does grow more likable over time, that's the narrative arch ... but that arch is not best served by making him fully unlikeable in the beginning.

Anyway i think this is pretty easily addressed:
a) we should see him hit at the outset and with amazing talent. That would make him a spoiled guy, rather then just an asshole.
b) he should have at least a friend. As things are now, he is also a lonely bastard. Okey, he has TED, who is his coach and despises him but needs him; Bobby Hart, who is a rather sad character; and then nothing except Tina (who it turns out is a bit of an opportunist herself). The problem with that is that it also staines on his story with Amy, who doesn't fall for a charming person who has lost his drive, but for a bastards who has run out of friends. And Amy is to much of a likeable caracter to do her that. And a propos Amy:
c) the story with her condition just doesn't work. The way things are set, it just makes her a prude. Also there is no reason why she should stop having sex if she hadn't have more serious damage out of it then a broken mariage and a broken heart. If Timmy was her child, well there you would have "a condition" baring you from taking things, sex included, casually.

This said: great stuff. i still have to see the Test movie yet.
 

Rock Daddy, Chad's Original Draft

0 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Inspiration or transpiration ... or let's just be amused

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
3 stars
 
Dialogue:
5 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
September 14, 2011
The script is a great read. I like the premise that the only way to stay inspired and light hearted, not taking yourself seriously, is to learn how to start taking other things serious. And taking yourself seriously is the end of any inspiration. Randy and Z are the opposite of each other, and it's right that the polarization between this two attitudes towards the pursuit of inspiration is triggered by Kimmy, and construed around her. I also like the fact that both, Randy and Z kind of continue to coexist in Kimmy's life. I think that is a true attempt to strike this humanity and menscheit cord, that comedies need to serve in the end. Maybe this could even be made stronger by hinting at some point at the fact that maybe the only difference between Randy and Z is that Z is a early rising star and Randy just ... slow. That difference is often enough to turn to human beings in very different person, leading to very different attitudes towards life. The fact that the song Randy plays towards the end is actually 'not that bad' is somehow suggesting that.

In all this, the weak spot is ... , because the pursuit of inspiration is such a central topic, .... the robe-man! Of course he is a fraud. But he is a serious fraud. Even if he is only a charlatan, he needs to remain credible, when indicating the path to recover your inspiration. I think he should be definitely be someone who is a bit better in believing in himself as an inspirational caracter. He somehow can't be cinical about his own fraudulance. In fact if he would believe in him self a little bit more, that would actually make him an even bigger fraud. This is the beauty with inspirational figures, charlatans or not: they do believe in themselves, and it's really what they make with it, that decides if they will be good or bad.
So of course the robeman is vain, but that is also why he can be a charming caracter. Rather then being a fraud, he should be very charismatic, and of course he wants Z's money. Still he can end up being of help to Z by accident. He could be a sort of Great Lebowsky guy, where you do ask yourself how you can be so laid back, and there is something budistic about his dudeness. I would like fore example to see the robeman being like overweighted but, for some magic a skateboard champ, or something like that .... which would do the trick with me: i would buy what ever you tell me, if you can pull some of this tricks infront of my eyes, even on a topic that has nothing to do with that skill (if you read Alister Campel's journal, as Blairs spin doctor, the only person who got some credit in his eyes is Gerhard Schroeder bouncing a football life on camera at some G7 meeting, or remember the 3 pointer that Obama shot life when visiting the troups in Irak). He would still be vain ... and a very lazy guy sounding in what he says like a SPA advertisment who encourage you to 'indulge your soul'.
With the robeman a more consistant character i would love the script.
 

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