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Title Average Rating Downloads Date

America's Ben Franklin in: The Electrocution String John's 1st Draft (Script 86)

No rating
19 01/31/12

Reviews John Has Written

Race for the Galaxy Video 2 - Part Deaux

3 stars
It's actually a pretty good trailer. But you can't use the Tron stuff or the companion cube, those are from other peoples work.
January 29, 2012

74 Hours Video 4 - Ali's Version 1

5 stars
It's good. The full movie cut like this would actually be a good trailer for tv.
January 23, 2012

I Think My Facebook Friend is Dead Video 8 - HYPERVISION TRAILER

5 stars
By far the best trailer I've seen here so far. Just right for time too, long, but you didn't have to click throught it. Lots of flashing lights, might need the seizure warning thing.
January 23, 2012

Children of Others Video 4

2 stars
It's okay, but drags on too long and needs to be edited down. There's about 30 seconds of stuff happening, but it's more than 2 mins.
January 06, 2012

Red Mist Almighty, Xolani's Original Draft

2 out of 2 people found the following review helpful:

It's an interesting idea, but the script moves to slow, and doesn't fully realize it's potential

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
4 stars
Story structure:
2 stars
3 stars
1 stars
4 stars
January 06, 2012
This is pretty good. The writing and the way it's setup is good. I did not like the dialogue though. Also, there is a lot of words used for description that make it confusing. I had to read parts of this with a dictionary. One word I looked up was used a verb but I could only find stuff about birds. This isn't actually a major issue though, I guess the writer just knows a lot of words, maybe using more well known words would be good to make it easier to read. But the way its written is overall good.

The best parts of this script other than the writing are the premise and it does get some emotion to help you to follow this story a little bit. The story is unique, or at least something I haven't seen before. The combination of a good story and good writing makes it good, and allows you to see the emotion somewhat.

The characters are mostly good, some of the main people, Steve, an Old man, a Mystic, and Nandi. Near the beginning of the script there is a lot of characters. You meet each, something happens, and then they're gone. Once you get way farther into the script you can see how this kinda works, he's showing us a bunch of different people after the necklace and diamond and all the stories eventually collide. A good thing to help with this might be to use either the situation or a quick description of the character to remind us who some of these characters are when they return.

It's probably good to keep the opening scene as is. But it doesn't show us Steve yet, and he seems to be kinda the main guy. He's introduced not long after, but it isn't for a while that anything is happening with him. May be a good idea to try to start to develop his story early on.

Right now, after the first scene, the rest of the first 30 pages are really slow. A meuseum is robbed and everybody kinda talks about it a little bit. Keep all the stuff happening here but move through it much faster.

I don't know how to fix this, but my main issue with the story structure, is that for around the first 80 pages it still seems like it's the beginning, you don't really know what's going on and what the big story is going to be about. All these different guys going after the necklace and stuff, and it seems like something interesting will eventually happen to put it all together.

There were some parts that I really didn't like
Page 24-
OLD TIMER We don’t have much time. Everything
will be explained in due course. Right now, I need you to take off your clothes and put these on.

One of his fellow tribesmen holds up a set of loin clothes, similar to theirs. Steve’s jaw drops.

The next page, they are able to remove Steve's clothes with the force.
The whole thing just doesn't work at all. He's sleeping, notices people drumming in his room, just asks them to be quiet. Then he gets up, and doesn't even seem mad. Maybe he's a coward, nope, not afraid either, he just talks about it being a dream and they just want to remove his clothes. This whole part just seems ridiculous and both of these pages should be completely rewritten.

For the end of the story, I agree with the other reviewer that Steve should end up with Nandi. You had a decent side plot going with them falling in love and stuff and then at the end he gets a hobo to help him marry Gina. And he's just trying to buy Gina too.

So I think the overall idea is interesting, and the way it's presented with all the different stories that eventually crash could work well for this. It could be good. The biggest thing against it right now is dialogue. It's not all bad, but enough of it is. There are a lot of cliches used in the dialogue and it almost never sound like how anyone would actually talk. And the characters often step completely out of character, they even discuss that they're in a movie on page 80, talk about cliches and then they're here.

So to sum up, the changes I think should be made
-Major changes to dialogue and cliches removed
-Your characters can change and stuff, but watch what they say and do, some times there were things that completely didn't fit
-Steve becomes more important earlier
-Eventually give a good explanation for how the people were able to rob the museum. If it has to be magic maybe have a reason they have these magic powers and why they had to kill the detective. If they can make the marines shoot him, they should be able to make them not shoot at all too.
-There's a big battle where these guys use blow darts, why couldn't they use magic, maybe the powers only granted to them in certain situations for certain things
-So ya, explain all that stuff more
-Steve forgets Gina and goes for Nandi
-And also, you shouldn't be able to shoot a hole into a gas tank with an arrow, much less even get much of a spark from it hitting the truck, don't remember page for this


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