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Title Average Rating Downloads Date
Created

Desert Rose Beau's Original Draft (Script 1)

4.0 stars
(4)
19 11/18/10

About

I have been optioned 10 times in total, but no produced credits as of yet or outright sales of a script. Biggest company I've dealt with is Appledown Films who produced REMO WILLIAMS with Fred Ward as well as AVENGER with Sam Elliott. They have optioned two projects of mine which are in devlopment. My passion is writing westerns and it is my goal as a writer to bring back the Western as a commercially viable genre.
 

Reviews Beau Has Written

ZOO, Andrew's 10th Draft

3 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Good Premise, needs work on execution end

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
January 05, 2011
Andrew, read to about page 30 of your script. Your premise is OK, but it needs work on the execution end. You have many problems within that first 30 pages some of which I'll outline below and hopefully you'll find this constructive.

1) You don't need to put present day at the top of your script. You only need to denote the time when its a period or sci-fi piece.

pg2) Ben is cool and simple, but a bit too convinced that his adventourous job makes his something like James Bond. This is novel writing. The viewer can't see any of this. When writing narrative always think of it as describing pictures in a clear and concise way.

pg3) Your dialogue beats around the bush too much. You need to get to the point quicker. Example Sebastion"Oh, I don't do it for the prestige. You know I've always done it for the poor defenseless animals. Do you know... I would drop the first part of this and start at "Do you know..." In the second part of the speech he talks about how many endangered animals he cares for and we get that he's proud of that from the speech and cares about his job. The first part is extra stuff we don't need and is basically summed up in that second part of the speech.

pg 5) He gets an idea. The viewer can't see this. Just say Ben plugs in a special recorder.

pg8) Ben's speech about his job. Ben came off very inconsistent with me. He seems not to care about his job too much but then later punches Buck out when he gets off. You should make Ben consistant from the beginning. And I would drop him eating the jerky. The people that work for animal rights are usually very passionate about it. He doesn't come off that way to me. Maybe Ben's frustrations come from his Dad never giving him a big chance to prove himself and running the zoo is that big chance he's been waiting for.

pg 17) You say that it's Ben's first day as CEO at the zoo. The viewer can't see this line of narrative. Also you say there's a banner that says"Congrats on the new job" Just show the banner. This is something the audience can see.

pg 19) Ben walks into the turnstyle area and hears something out of place. The quiet low rumbling of some animal. Just say Ben hears the quiet low rumbling of some animal. Shorten and combine whenever you can.

Also you desribe the blank panther in height and weight terms. You don't need to do this its extra detail that you don't need. Most people are going to know what a black panther looks like. You do the same thing with the Ostrich later.

Also you go into detail when the panther shows his teeth and you talk about the color. Just say the panther bares his teeth at Ben.

The problems you have in this script are definitely fixable. What helped me a lot was buying screenplays of movies that I felt were well done and studying those scripts by comparing them to the films. Your main problems are repetition and over explanation which is something that i had to go through myself. But in my opinion it needs some more work as the way it is now it didn't hold my interest. You generally are going to get about 30 pages to hook a reader, in reality, more like 10-15. Good luck and I hope you find this review helpful.
 

A Gentleman's Game, kirk's Original Draft

0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Very solid script

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
December 02, 2010
Kirk, just finished your script. It's very good. Only have a few minor notes for you mostly dealing with format.

1) You have several spacing problems throughout where the dialogue is spaced too far apart. Some examples are on page 6 and page 8 but there were 7-8 instances of this throughout the script.

2) Pg 11 you have two blocks of Hasting's dialogue that should be combined into one block or you could insert a reaction shot of Gordon as he listens. It's formatted akwardly as it is now.

3) Pg 13 you should mention Ingram in your narrative as he has lines. The way it is now he just sort of pops out of the blue and speaks. I get that he's part of the team, but you should denote this in your narrative/description of him.

4) Pg 16 Gordon came off as a little crazy to me in this scene regarding the jersey. Yes, I know he's passionate about the game but I felt that their argument was a little forced. Definitely keep a argument in this scene as it needs to be there as a plot device but try and make it a little more gradual and subtle.

5) Pg 28 In your dialogue block you have BLACK MAN. Isn't this black man Chideke? Should have Chideke's name above the dialogue.

6) Pg 35 you have a typo...the two go fall to the floor. Should read the two fall to the floor.

7) I liked how you made Ebele, Chideke's old girlfriend. A bit of coincidence but you can usually get away with one of those per script. This touch took me by surprise which when reading a script is always a good thing.

Overall I enjoyd the script and it's the best of the three I have reviewed so far you have a few very powerful moments in there. You might have tough sledding getting this made as they just did that Clint Eastwood Picture not to long ago INVICTUS that deals with many of the themes you play with in your script. I'm not sure how that picture did box office wise. On the same token your script would not be expensive to shoot so you have that going for you Hope this review was somewhat helpful. Keep writing, you've got talent. Beau Hilliard.
 

Eyes of Darkness, Paul's Original Draft

4 out of 4 people found the following review helpful:

Eyes of Darkness

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
3 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
3 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
December 01, 2010
Paul, finished your script the other day. On the whole I thought it was pretty good. There is an eerieness to it that is interesting and it held my interest throughout. Most of this review will be on the technical/format side of things.

1) Several of your character descriptions you have an exact age for example the main character(30). Its better to have an approximate age like 30s. You did this with some characters an not with others. It's best to always be uniform in a script. It's OK to mention an exact age in the dialogue but in the narrative you always want to give a range. Some younger actors can play older and vice versa.

2) In the first scene where the father is looking for room 283. I think you say something like the paper has 283 written on it. What I usually do is something like.

SCRAP OF PAPER - "283" is written on it.

If whatever the character has is important info that the audience needs to see its best to make sure they see it in bold which denotes where you want the camera looking. You can also use this for characters you want the camera focused on. By using this style you are not giving camera direction but showing emphasis on where the camera needs to be to tell the story.

3) Another note on uniformity. In your narrative you have...the following conversation takes place in Spanish. Then later you have (in Spanish) in the parantheticals. Its better to just use the paranthesis to denote which characters are speaking Spanish. It's shorter. Shorter is always better if possible.

4) Palomina character, make sure you put the age.

5) You have Claudia rubs her mouth with her hand and then another line of narrative. Just condense it to...Claudia hesitates to answer.

6) You have a character (screaming) and then you have an exclamation point at the end of your sentence. Drop the paranthetical. A exclamation point denotes a scream or a yell.

*7) There are several format errors where you have narrative indented and it appears as dialogue. The other fella's script had this, too. And this may be something that's a glitch when the script is converted to a word document. Let me know if mine has this going on, because I can gurantee you mine is formatted correctly. If its a glitch, obviously ignore this comment.

8) When you introduce the character of Matt make sure you include in his description that he's a forensic's guy. You pick this up as you read along but its always better to err on the side of clarity.

7) I would drop your line of narrative when you say...an emotional conection must be made before...as a viewer this is something we can't see the way it is worded. We also get that there is an emotional conection when he carresses the photo. When you write narrative always think of it in terms of describing pictures in the shortest way possible.

8) Make sure you put the last name of Mark and Julie in their description because you mention their last names a few lines of dialogue down. Remember uniformity.

9) This is a pretty minor one but when Sara/Demon is possesed you have demon voice in paranthetical. You cold just say SARAH(posessed) in the dialogue this denotes the demon in in control without using narrative but the way you have it is probably OK.

10) Don't need to capitalize UNMARKED POLICE CAR in your narrative unless its situation like I mentioned above with the scrap of paper.

11) Typo on page 74 should be puff of dust

In general your story had a pretty good flow but there were a few spots where I got tripped up. The scene where the priest meets his niece and is pushing her on the swings. When he visits with her mother theres no mention of this scene. Generally mother's are going to know where their kids are and she seems oblivious that the priest and the girl hung out the day before. You may want to clarify this when the priest talks to the little girl. You could just add a line saying she slipped away or drop of combine the scene with the one in the girl's room.

The other scene where I felt some clarification was needed was Henner's death. I wasn't sure who shot Father Tono or who shot Henner. I read through it twice and still couldn't figure out what was going on there. You probably want to make that clear.

Also the demon is able to control two different people at the same time. You may have mentioned this, but I never picked up on it. If you didn't you probably want to throw it in some where.

You had a few other typos throughout but not many. I would say the bulk of the work that needs to be done is in formatting department. Your script was basically THE EXORCIST meets a cop movie. Which I can't think of being done before. So your premise was fairly unique. Don't know how I feel about the ending. I'm kind of in the middle. It wasn't a total surprise to me more like a partial one if that makes sense. I kind of wanted to see the priest more involved in the exorcism of the demon. This is just conjecture but it might be more of a surprise ending if the priest helps exorcise the demon with the Rabbi so as the audience we assume the demon is gone for good, he's literally defeated his demon, and then you can spring the surprise that he was being controlled all along. It also might be good to show the exorcism. If I remember right we see a part of it but not the whole thing. This could be a good opportunity to work some heightened action into your script an think up some really crazy shit that happens visually, maybe the cop is there as well and they are the two assisting the Rabbi sort of conscripted into action. Hope some of this was helpful. Take care. Beau Hilliard.
 

Salvation: Allegiance, Hector's Original Draft

5 out of 6 people found the following review helpful:

Needs another draft

Overall Recommendation:
3 stars
 
Premise:
2 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
1 stars
 
Emotion:
2 stars
 
November 25, 2010
Hector X:

First just let me say that I know its tough putting all of your ideas on paper and making them work. Anybody that can finish a script should be commended. A little about me so you know that I'm just not talking out of my rear. I have been optioned ten times by three different production companies, have a manager in L.A but have yet to be produced. I have authored 27 screenplays probably about 16 of those are good enough to sell.

All of your reviews of this project have been glowing but in all honesty it needs some more work. I read up to page 24 and stopped. If this were a submission to a production company it would be about where the reader would stop if not sooner. These are some of the problems I found in your script. I know this will sting a bit, it did when someone explained it to me years ago, but hopefully these are some tips that will help you in future and hopefully you'll take them in a constructive light.

1) Get rid of all the camera angles. This is something the director and the DP will do unless this is something you are going to direct yourself.

2) You need to put the ages of the characters. This can be in gerneral terms something like...MICHAEL, 30s, handsome and athletic. This is important for casting directors as well as the reader who will read your script to give them a clear idea how old and what kind of physical type the actor/actress will need to be.

3) Your narrative needs to be more concise. Screenplays are about brevity. The less words you use to descibe something the better as long as it gets your point across. Also always write in the present tense. You did this for the most part but there were a few places that were wrote in past tense.

4) Length of script. It said 123 pages on the file I downloaded. You never want to go over 120 or below 85 and the trend has been 110 pages for the last few years. You may think this is a minor point but a lot of readers will not even look at the script if it's over 120 pages. To them its the sign of someone who can't tell a story in two hours which is what most movies are. Once you've got a few films in production this rule is flexible.

5) Punctuation and grammar. You have many misplaced commas, misused words, words that aren't spelled correctly etc...The people that will read your submissions are anal English majors that are frustrated writers and even the slightest grammar problems will get your script thrown in the recycle bin or in this day and age deleted. As a writer you are attempting to make your living with words and grammar and you need to have all of the punctuation rules down stone cold. This is somehting I still struggle with, but I scour my scripts several times before I send them out.

6) In your narrative you describe a character for the first time by saying...MAN....and then in the dialogue you have AARON. This needs to be uniform. Just say AARON, 30s, a grease monkey... or something like that. Also, don't assign your characters hair colors unless its very important in a story sense. Actors are cast on acting ability not hair color, and again this is something the director/producers will tell the hair and makeup department to do if they feel strongly about changing an actor's hair.

7) You need to be clear that Michael is the Phantom in the narrative. The way its worded now is akward. As he takes off his mask just say something like...The mask comes off revealing MICHAEL, 30s, a handsome and athletic hispanic man.

6) Heres an example of the brevity I was talking about on page 8. Aaron and Michael talk about his bruises and then you see them. Its more effective if you just show Michael's bruises and cuts and then you might throw in a line about his old wounds etc. Screenplays are about showing things not telling about them if you can. An old actor I once met told me this rule which is something I've always tried to keep in mind. "A" pictures show things happening. "B" Pictures tell you about them.

7) Pg 14 don't capitalize ENTERS. Pg 15 The speech by Richard Walsh is way too long. You need to cut that down or if you want to keep it intact, stick in some reaction shots of the other character. You generally don't want to go over 4 lines of dialogue in one speech. Again remember to be concise whenever you can.

8) Pg 19 Instead of explaining the mixture of emotions Sandra is feeling toward the mystery man Just say SANDRA - Unsure. Misspelled word on page 19 should be angel not angle.

9) You don't need to always describe what a character is wearing unless its pertinent to the scene or is used to help move the story along. You did this several times. Its Ok to describe what the phantom is wearing at the beginning of the script because what he's wearing is important to him surviving and escaping the gun battle. In most of the other cases in your script this is added detail that we don't need.

10) Pg 24 Just have Michael say"I know a guy at a junkyard that owed me a favor" You have a couple of lines of dialogue before this that are not needed and by cutting it to this line you get all of that same information. When it comes to dialogue shorter is always better if you can.

Well those are my thoughts. You had many more spelling, grammar, wrong word choice than the ones I listed so make sure you clean those up. My first option came from the fifth script I wrote. I count the first four I worked on as learning tools and I'm constantly learning on each script from past mistakes I made and new ones I make. You'll learn by making these mistakes. Keep writing If that's your passion becuase you'll be the best teacher for yourself. I generally don't send out a script to companies until I've made at least 3 passes over it. Good luck and I hope this was helpful. Beau Hilliard.
 

Favorite Movies

The Man Who Would Be King
Jerimiah Johnson
True Grit
The Searchers
Ride The High Country
Raiders of the Lost Ark
 

Influences

John Huston
John Ford
Jeffrey Boam
Burt Kennedy
Steven Spielberg
 

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