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America's Ben Franklin in: The Electrocution String, Gordon's 1st Draft

1 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

Great action, funny, sexy

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
3 stars
 
January 26, 2012
When I first saw this project I thought the premise was kind of cute but far-fetched and not really marketable -- b/c so much of the humor was kind of cheesy and the overall 'joke' depends on a familiarity with American history that I don't think the majority of the audience has nowadays (unfortunately)

But when I read this version I thought it really made some major improvements! The opening scene is a lot more believable now and therefore exciting (I hated the original opening scene where 70-y.o. Ben is depicted as some kind of Ninja and also cruel -- nothing funny about the way he killed the Hessian clutching the teddy bear!) The new opening scene is fun and shows Ben being clever to escape.

The big chase scene on the parasail and the fight on the boat is really exciting now.
The African-American sidekick has got a much more interesting personality in this version -- he's smart and funny.
And the stuff with Betsy Ross? that whole seduction scene is a riot! and what an inspiration for the stars 'n' stripes! :-D
 

SAMARANG, Gordon's Original Draft

0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Exciting, exotic, action-packed!

Overall Recommendation:
5 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
5 stars
 
Character:
4 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
5 stars
 
January 06, 2012