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Reviews Laurence Has Written

Oona Crate and The Wizard Of Dark Street, Shawn's Original Draft

0 out of 0 people found the following review helpful:

Wonderful - albeit a bit derivative

Overall Recommendation:
4 stars
 
Premise:
5 stars
 
Story structure:
4 stars
 
Character:
5 stars
 
Dialogue:
4 stars
 
Emotion:
4 stars
 
February 04, 2016
Based on a 10 page read.

A wonderful visit to a magical Harry-Potter like world.

However your cover art is so derivative of HP (down to the fonts) that I think it would cause trouble. The opening sets the scene really nicely -- a magicians advert in a newspaper. I think it would have been better to be a bit more action oriented though -- having the Mayor visit a post office because of strangely addressed letters just seems wrong.

I think a postman searching for this mysterious address, and then encountering something magical would pull us into the story in a much better way.

Well written. And I'll be sure to check the books out!
 

The Welsh Files, Pilot Script 1 - How Green Is My Valley

4 stars
I didn't get through the whole thing, but I love the whole Stella-meets-X-Files theme. It would have been better to start with some action, instead of lots of dialog. But otherwise great! Yakki Da!
February 03, 2016

The Vagabond And Malign, Jay's Original Draft

1 out of 1 people found the following review helpful:

Needs work.

Overall Recommendation:
2 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
2 stars
 
Character:
1 stars
 
Dialogue:
2 stars
 
Emotion:
1 stars
 
January 20, 2016
You clearly have a passion for this story, and from interacting with you on the forums, you are willing to listen to feedback. You've asked for it to be posted here, so I hope you don't mind, despite the low star rating.

I hope this isn't too harsh, but this is a great example of lack of clarity in writing killing the ability of the reader to parse what the writer is trying to say.

For example "People are crowded together walking in multiple directions." -- try to visualize that with those words. I think what you're trying to say is "Crowded city street. "

After this you say "ABEL ALLAN is seen walking in a seemingly defined path towards the more highly concentrated area"

Seen by whom? The audience? If so, don't say it. If it's another character. Show us.
A seemingly defined path? What does that mean?
Towards the more highly concentrated area? More highly concentrated in what?

You have ZOOM IN: and SMASH CUT TO: -- these shouldn't be in a spec script.

The rest of the scene is weird. The woman screams. Abel smiles. They get into a conversation about a cooking magazine. And then she buys it for him. Huh? Why was she screaming about a headline? I assume it was some personal news...that the victim is someone she knows/loves. But then she just drops that to buy a stranger a magazine, laughing while she does so???

A woman just screamed in the middle of the street, and nobody does or says anything?

For writing style -- avoid passive voice. Example:
"Abel is standing idly deep into his thoughts."
and
"Abel is broken from his thoughts"

Should be something like
"Abel doesn't react. Blank stare. Lost in the depths of his mind." etc.

You also change to past tense for no apparent reason:
"The building was dark inside. The small light was suddenly flickered on."

....and that's where you lost me. Sorry! Keep trying, and hope this helps.
 

USER: CHARLIE, david's Original Draft

2 out of 3 people found the following review helpful:

NO FEEDBACK HERE

Overall Recommendation:
2 stars
 
Premise:
4 stars
 
Story structure:
3 stars
 
Character:
2 stars
 
Dialogue:
1 stars
 
Emotion:
1 stars
 
November 30, 2015
Author rejects any kind of feedback, so I've deleted it, and will chalk it down as a waste of my time doing it.

Leaving the stars the way they were. As you can see Premise feedback was positive, but that wasn't enough. See the Commissary forum for more.
 

Cold Callers, Pilot Script 1 - Call Waiting

3 stars
Pretty good! Relies on using licensed music that might be prohibitively expensive. Craft is very good -- just might need to be tightened a bit.
November 28, 2015

Cold Callers, Mini-bible 1

4 stars
The series idea is really great. I'd like to see how this would work on screen. The logline needs work -- too conversational - doesn't make for good reading with phrases like 'are what results' etc
November 28, 2015

Favorite Movies

Blade Runner
Lord of the Rings Trilogy
Forrest Gump
Close Encounters of the Third Kind
 

Influences

Spielberg of the 80s!
 

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